Posted in: Comics, News With Benefits, Satire | Tagged: heroes in crisis, marvel, spider-man, teasers, Uncle Ben

Everything You Knew About Uncle Ben's Death Was Wrong

Published Tue, 11 Dec 2018 17:30:59 -0600

Last updated Fri, 01 Nov 2019 18:53:22 -0500

All day long, Marvel has been releasing teaser after teaser threatening to rewrite the history of the Marvel Universe in March 2019, creating a veritable feeding frenzy in the clickbait comics media as websites scramble to post the latest teaser and get the clicks before their competitors, which of course works out in Marvel favor by promoting whatever this dumb super-mega-crossover event or whatever is for free instead of making them pay for advertising.

But trying to compete for scraps tossed from Marvel's table is a fool's errand, especially when we can just use photoshop ourselves as well as any unpaid Marvel intern. So Bleeding Cool has been making some of our own Marvel teasers, leaving our competitors who only post real teasers in the dust. Which teasers are real and which are fake? We'll leave that to you to figure out.

We've already seen a teaser threatening to rewrite how the Fantastic Four got their powers, one threatening to rewrite the Spider-Man No More story, one threatening to rewrite The Avengers finding Captain America in the ice, one threatening to rewrite the parentage of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch by revealing that Magneto @#$%ed a cow, one messing with the Dark Phoenix Saga, one which threatens to retcon the retcon of Jean Grey revealing Iceman is gay, and one which could explain why Marvel and Netflix canceled Daredevil.

But all of that is nothing compared to what Marvel may or may not have in store next, because the next teaser affects one of the most important moments in the history of the Marvel Universe: the death of Spider-Man's Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben dying taught Peter Parker that with great power must also come great responsibility, a lesson which shaped Marvel's most popular hero into the web-slinging wall-crawler he is today.

But what if everything we knew about Uncle Ben's death was wrong? What if he wasn't killed by a crook that Spidey let get away. What if Uncle Ben was targeted not at random, but as an act of sabotage by characters from a different comic book universe?

We all know that Marvel can't stand for anyone else to have the spotlight, so if DC Comics is getting people talking with their grim and gritty superhero death porn Heroes in Crisis, the answer is simple. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! So screw it. Harley Quinn killed Uncle Ben. Or was it Booster Gold?

We'll find out more, hopefully, soon.