Apocalypse Gets Cucked by a Helmet in X-Men #13 [XH]

In this issue of X-Men, we learn that Apocalypse's whole "strongest survive" gimmick is pure ovecompensation…

I'm Jude Terror, and this is X-ual Healing, the weekly X-Men recap column where I read all the X-books that come out, no matter how many, no matter how overpriced, and no matter how terrible, so you don't have to. It's a public service provided to make up for all the other stuff Bleeding Cool does. I feel this makes us about even. How about you? Three X-books were released by Marvel last week, two of which tie into X of Swords: Excalibur #13, X-Men #13, and Juggernaut #2.

We're nearly halfway through the X of Swords crossover event and I have to say, I'm already feeling pretty burnt out by it. It's just, I feel like everything that's happened so far could have been condensed to like two issues, but Marvel needs to boost sales for a couple of months across the entire line so instead it's stretched out to 22. So if I seem like I'm starting to get cranky with this crossover, it's because I am.


Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics for lovers of soap opera drama.

Apocalypse Gets Cucked by a Helmet in X-Men #13 [XH]

 

The cover to X-Men #13
The cover to X-Men #13

X-MEN #13 XOS
AUG200626
(W) Jonathan Hickman (A) Mahmud Asrar (CA) Leinil Francis Yu
X OF SWORDS, PART 10
Lessons. Longing. What has begun cannot be undone.
Rated T+
In Shops: Oct 21, 2020
SRP: $3.99

X-Men #13 Recap

As X of Swords really steps up the X-citement, this issue opens with a f**king wikipedia article on the Grasscutter and Godkiller swords. Then it's off to Krakoa's healing gardens where Apocalypse isn't doing so hot. Healer, Beast, Hope, Dr. Ceclia Reyes, Magneto, Polaris, and Banshee (who is also recovering) are there. The X-Men have an egg cooking with an Apocalypse body in it, but it won't be ready for a few days. They decide to use Hope to boost Healer's power and try to heal him faster. Magneto and Polaris hold him down.

Apocalypse decides to do an info dump flashback while this is going on. He tells the story of the parlay between the hordes of Amenth and Apocalypse's family and clan of original mutants, after Krakoa and Arakko were split apart. The creatures brought a box and in the box was a talking helmet called Annihilation, and the helmet said it wants to give the strong mutants something, but they have to earn it. Genesis, Apocalypse's wie, takes them up on the offer. She will lead the mutants through the breach and hold Arakko while Apocalypse stays behind and tries to get mutantkind ready because, here's the best part, Apocalypse isn't strong enough.

X-Men #13 [XH]

So after Apocalypse is cucked by a talking helmet and has his entire origin retconned, we get a wikipedia page about the talking helmet, Annihilation, the Golden Helm of Amenth. Whoever wears the helmet rules Amenth, but the helmet, powered by some elder god, rules them.

Back in the present, Apocalypse is healed up. He heads off to get his sword, Scarab, which is explained in another wiki page.

X-Men #13 [XH]

 

So Apocalypse heads to Egypt with Gorgon, to the temple of the Horsemen, goes down into the pyramid, and breaks the four empty sarcophigi and finds four pieces of the blade, which he reassembles And that's a wrap.

This issue gave us a major Hickman retcon of Apocalypse's origin, because, like all Hickman stories, this isn't really about the X-Men (or whatever long-established characters he's writing about). They are simply shoehorned into whatever story Hickman feels like telling. Some people love this, but for me personally, I just find it hard to remember the names of the dozen or so new characters that Hickman retconned into ancient Marvel history. I'm pretty sure Hickman just ripped off that episode of Sesame Street where they're trapped in the museum and talk to all the old Egyptian gods. I would appreciate less masturbatory Hickman lore and more action in this crossover, which is f**king almost halfway over and nothing has happened yet. Blegh.

Anyway, all of this sets up Apocalypse's wife, possessed by Annihilation, as the big bad of this event I guess, and with Apocalypse and Gorgon. Hopefully, the next act moves things along more quickly.


Read more X-ual Healing here:

Apocalypse Gets Cucked by a Helmet in X-Men #13 [XH]


This post is part of a multi-part series: X-ual Healing X-Men Recaps for the week of October 21st, 2020.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!

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