Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Jey Rises, Sami Plots, Comrades Cheer

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown! Jey Uso advances, Gunther chooses Sami as ref, and Charlotte claims victory. Plus Danhausen takes bribes, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private theater aboard my luxury yacht, which is currently anchored off the coast of Rhode Island (I came for the wrestling, I stayed for the clam chowder), and I have just witnessed the most spectacular episode of WWE SmackDown! Esteban, my presidential pet capybara, and I have consumed an entire wheel of imported Manchego, three bottles of champagne I definitely did not steal from the French embassy, and we are both thoroughly entertained by tonight's festivities at the Amica Mutual Pavilion in Providence!

Charlotte Flair vs. Sol Ruca vs. Lyra Valkyria vs. Jade Cargill — Queen of the Ring First Round Fatal 4-Way

The Queen of the Ring Tournament began tonight on WWE SmackDown with a Fatal 4-Way that had more interference than a typical election day in my country! Charlotte Flair, Sol Ruca, Lyra Valkyria, and Jade Cargill battled for supremacy, but the real story was the chaos at ringside. Michin and B-Fab attempted to assist Jade, only to be met by Alexa Bliss and Tiffany Stratton, who neutralized them like CIA operatives at one of my beach resorts!

Charlotte ultimately made Valkyria submit to the Figure-Eight, advancing to the semifinals. This is the kind of strategic dominance I appreciate, comrades! Charlotte understands that in a multi-person match, you must let your enemies exhaust themselves before striking—much like how I let rival warlords weaken each other before I swoop in and nationalize their copper mines. The Queen proves once again why she is royalty, though I must remind her that monarchies are inherently problematic from a socialist perspective!

Charlotte's advancement was well-earned, and the drama between all these competitors promises to continue throughout WWE SmackDown in the coming weeks!

Brie Bella & Paige vs. Fallon Henley & Lainey Reid

The WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Brie Bella and Paige defended their honor against Fatal Influence's Fallon Henley and Lainey Reid in a non-title match that featured more chicanery than my Finance Minister's expense reports! Jacy Jayne interfered at ringside and was ejected by the referee, which reminded me of the time I had to eject the Bolivian ambassador from my New Year's Eve gala for trying to start a conga line during the national anthem.

With Jacy gone, Brie and Paige secured victory when the champions used some creative rule-bending to secure the pinfall. As I always say, comrades, it is not cheating if you do not get caught—this applies to both wrestling matches and international maritime law!

Danhausen's Laboratory of Electoral Interference

Comrades, tonight's WWE SmackDown featured a segment that spoke directly to my heart! Danhausen was approached by Los Garza with "human monies" to influence the Knicks/Spurs NBA Finals, while Matt Cardona offered jewelry to persuade Danhausen the other way. Kit Wilson brought in The Miz, who was still recovering from last week's electrocution, and Wilson managed to electrocute himself!

This is exactly how democracy works in my country, except instead of cursing basketball teams, we are cursing opposition candidates! I once hired a witch doctor to hex the CIA's satellite surveillance—it did not work, but the witch doctor now serves as my Minister of Technology. The lesson here is that Danhausen understands the value of bribery and corruption… I mean, "consulting fees and campaign contributions." Truly inspirational content for the youth!

Cody Rhodes and Sami Zayn Exchange Revolutionary Slaps

Tonight on WWE SmackDown, Cody Rhodes and Sami Zayn had a confrontation that escalated faster than a border dispute with Colombia! Sami called out Cody for accidentally hitting him during last week's brawl with Gunther, and questioned how many of Cody's friends were still with him. This cut deep, comrades! Cody tried to explain it was an accident, but Sami was having none of it.

The two traded slaps like diplomats at a failed peace summit! I once slapped Nicolás Maduro at a cocktail party because he said my pet capybara looked fat—we did not speak for six months, but eventually reconciled over our shared love of expropriating foreign oil companies. Sami grabbed a chair but ultimately chose not to use it, showing more restraint than I typically exercise when faced with parliamentary opposition.

Rey Fenix vs. Axiom — AAA Cruiserweight Championship

Rey Fenix defended the AAA Cruiserweight Championship against Axiom in a match that showcased the kind of high-flying action that makes me wish I had not eaten so much cheese before watching! Axiom pushed Fenix to the limit with incredible offense, including a Spanish Fly from the top rope that made Esteban jump off the couch in excitement (or perhaps that was just indigestion from the Manchego).

Fenix ultimately retained with the Mexican Muscle Buster, proving once again that the lucha libre style is superior to all others—except perhaps the "El Presidente locks his political opponents in luxury hotel rooms until they agree with his five-year plan" style. This was WWE SmackDown showcasing international talent at its finest!

Gunther Chooses Sami Zayn as Special Guest Referee

Ah, comrades, here is where The Ring General shows his genius! Gunther revealed that his chosen stipulation for next week's Undisputed WWE Championship match against Cody Rhodes on WWE SmackDown is that Sami Zayn will be the special guest referee! This is brilliant tactical thinking, like when I appointed my rival's brother-in-law as judge in his treason trial—conflict of interest creates the most entertaining outcomes!

Sami is emotionally compromised after his confrontation with Cody earlier in the night, making him the perfect wild card. Will he call the match fairly? Will he help Gunther? Will he accidentally-on-purpose cost Cody the title? The drama is more intense than the time Fidel Castro and I both tried to recruit the same defecting ballet dancer as our Minister of Culture!

Trick Williams, Carmelo Hayes and Ricky Saints Engage in Capitalist Chaos

United States Champion Trick Williams came out with rapper Lil Yachty to address his King of the Ring loss, but was interrupted by Ricky Saints and then Carmelo Hayes. The two challengers argued over who deserved a shot at Trick's title like two generals fighting over control of the state-run television network!

Hayes and Saints brawled, and Trick re-entered to attack both men, laying out Saints. This is the kind of multi-factional conflict I deal with every Tuesday at cabinet meetings! Next week on WWE SmackDown, Hayes will face Saints with a future United States Championship opportunity on the line. May the best worker seize the means of championship gold production!

Tiffany Stratton & Chelsea Green vs. Michin & B-Fab

Tiffany Stratton teamed with Chelsea Green against Michin and B-Fab in a match that featured more betrayals than my inner circle during a typical fiscal quarter! Jade Cargill appeared and pulled Tiffany off the apron, costing her team the match when Michin hit Chelsea with the Styles Clash for the victory.

After the match, Jade, Michin, and B-Fab attacked Tiffany, with Jade hitting her signature Jaded and making it clear she wants Tiffany's Women's United States Championship. This is the kind of power struggle that makes WWE SmackDown appointment viewing! Tiffany has painted a target on her back, much like I did when I nationalized the telecommunications industry—suddenly everyone wants what you have!

Giulia and Kiana James: A Revolutionary Breakup

Giulia confronted Kiana James backstage in a segment that revealed the true nature of their relationship. Giulia admitted she needed Kiana for English and contracts, not to be a fighter. Kiana responded that she did not need Giulia, prompting Giulia to slap her and drop her backstage!

This is the moment when the protégé realizes she was being exploited by the mentor, comrades! It is like when my former Vice President discovered I had been depositing his salary into my offshore accounts and claiming he was "volunteering his services to the revolution." The workers must always be vigilant against bourgeois manipulation!

Jey Uso vs. LA Knight vs. Finn Balor vs. Royce Keys — King of the Ring First Round Fatal 4-Way

And now we arrive at the main event of tonight's WWE SmackDown, comrades! Jey Uso, LA Knight, Finn Balor, and Royce Keys battled in a King of the Ring Tournament match that had more Bloodline drama than a telenovela produced by my state-run media company!

Keys was powerbombed through the announce table by the other three competitors but returned to the match like a true revolutionary refusing to accept defeat! Solo Sikoa appeared late in the match and hit LA Knight with the Samoan Spike, though it was ultimately Jey who capitalized, hitting his top-rope splash and pinning Knight to advance to the semifinals.

The Bloodline politics are more complicated than the organizational chart of my security services! Solo helped, but not really for Jey—he seems to be playing his own game. Jimmy Uso and Jacob Fatu were backstage earlier ensuring no interference, yet Solo interfered anyway. This is the kind of fractured revolutionary coalition that either conquers everything or destroys itself—I have seen both outcomes at various points in my career!

Jey's celebration near the crown to close WWE SmackDown was inspiring! He wants to win this tournament and challenge Cody Rhodes at SummerSlam, proving that his loyalty to family does not mean sacrificing his own ambitions. This is admirable, though I must note that in my country, family members challenging each other for power typically ends with someone being appointed "Ambassador to Antarctica."

El Presidente's Final Thoughts on WWE SmackDown

Tonight's WWE SmackDown delivered exactly what was promised, comrades! The Queen of the Ring and King of the Ring tournaments advanced, the drama between Cody Rhodes and Sami Zayn intensified, and the Bloodline continues to provide more intrigue than a season of my favorite reality show, "Keeping Up with the Dictators."

Next week's WWE SmackDown promises even more excitement with Cody defending against Gunther with Sami as referee, Charlotte Flair facing Liv Morgan in the Queen of the Ring semifinals, Hayes versus Saints for a United States Championship opportunity, and R-Truth and Damian Priest defending the WWE Tag Team Championship against the MFTs! It is a card so stacked, it reminds me of my offshore bank accounts!

Esteban and I will be watching from wherever we happen to be anchored next week—possibly Bermuda, possibly the Cayman Islands, possibly somewhere the CIA cannot find us. Until then, comrades, remember: seize the means of production, support your local labor unions, and never trust a special guest referee who was slapping the champion just hours earlier!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva WWE SmackDown!

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