Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: aew, dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite: Kris Statlander, Trent Return in Arcade Anarchy

It's the victory lap edition of AEW Dynamite, with NXT officially surrendering in the Wednesday Night Wars earlier this week. Soon, Dynamite will have Wednesdays to itself… but why not beat WWE a few more times for old time's sake?

So you missed AEW Dynamite last night. Now what? Do you find time in your busy schedule to watch it on DVR or Fite? Do you read one of those wordy recaps published by other wrestling websites that give you a blow-by-blow account of the entire show and take as long to read as watching it yourself? Hell no! Welcome to Five Minute Dynamite, a minimalist wrestling TV recap containing only what you need to know to accurately complain about Dynamite on the internet without investing two hours in watching it. You're welcome!

AEW Dynamite Recap – March 31st, 2021

Christian Cage and Frankie Kazarian opened the show with an epic match. You'd hardly even realize that Christian is 62 years old or that he hasn't wrestled in 30 years. A very sweaty Christian won with the Killswitch.

In a black and white video, Darby Allin and Sting chastised Matt Hardy for capitalism. They threw dollars off a bridge and lit them on fire. Bernie Sanders, eat your heart out!

In another video, Jade Cargill expressed her dislike of Red Velvet.

Cody Rhodes and QT Marshall had their exhibition match, while the Nightmare family, which at this point has roughly the same population as a small European country, watched from ringside. The whole thing was just a setup for QT Marshall's heel turn, which happened when Marshall attacked Arn Anderson. Bayley's Ex-Boyfriend, Anthony Ogogo, and Nick Comoroto turned on the rest of the Nightmare Family and joined Marshall to deliver an appropriately brutal beatdown, with Red Velvet saving Cody from a killing blow with a chair.

My god! The factions in AEW are beginning to multiply!

In a video, Ethan Page and Scorpio Sky cut a promo complaining about being overlooked in AEW. Well, they certainly won't beburied in the tag division.

Jade Cargill interrupted a Red Velvet interview to attack Red Velvet. You'd think people would be on the lookout for this sort of thing.

In a pre-recorded promo, Jon Moxley stripped naked and threatened to kill Cezar Bononi.

Moxley and Bononi had a match, with Dolph Ziggler's brother and some other guy from AEW Dark at ringside to back Bononi up. Not that it mattered. Moxley choked out Bononi to win.

In a Team Taz video, Brian Cage continued to feud with Ricky Starks.

In the former dressing room of the Inner Circle, MJF and Pinnacle discussed renovations when the Inner Circle ambushed them. An impromptu hardcore match in the hallways followed, ending with Jericho shoving MJF's head into a toilet then through the glass door of their soda fridge. "This is our dressing room, bitch."

Don Callis saved us from watching Alex Marvez interview the Young Bucks by messing with Matt Jackson's self-esteem.

Kenny Omega and the Good Brothers fought the Lucha Brothers and Laredo Kid. Omega pinned Kid with a One-Winged Angel. Jon Moxley strolled to the ring after the match and the Young Bucks came out to back him up. Omega and the Good Brothers "ran like scalded dogs" according to JR.

Britt Baker cut a promo putting herself over.

Nyla Rose and The Bunny fought Tay Conti and Hikaru Shida. Matt Hardy's stable (and Vicki Guererro) and the entire Dark Order were at ringside. Conti kicked ass, but Allie won off a kendo stick shot and a distraction by Vicki.

Next week on Dynamite: Moxley and Young Bucks vs. Kenny Omega and Good Brothers. The Bunny vs. Tay Conti. Darby Allin vs. JD Drake. The Return of the Inner Circle. Jurassic Express vs. Bear Country.

Jurassic Express cut a promo about that match, which is also a cross-promotion for Godzilla vs. Kong, which is sponsoring the match next week apparently. Marko Stunt got a tattoo of Kong which pissed off Luchasaurus.

And finally, in the main event, Miro and Kip Sabian (with Penelope Ford) took on Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy in Arcade Anarchy. Various arcade games surrounded the ringside area. Not just video games, but stuff like air hockey and whack-a-mole. For the finish, Sabian powerbombed Taylor into some legos. Ford kicked Orange Cassidy in the balls, but Kris Statlander made her surprise return from inside a claw game and piledrove Ford through the air hockey table. Miro went crazy at that point and started beating the crap out of Cassidy and Taylor, but then Trent returned (arriving via mini-van, driven by his mom). Taylor powerslammed Sabian off the stage through some tables for the win.

It was a fun episode of Dynamite with a mostly positive reception on social media.

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