Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Revolution, wrestling

AEW Revolution Preview: You Can Count The Chadster Out

The Chadster reluctantly previews AEW Revolution, a PPV that's literally stabbing WWE in the back! Tony Khan is really cheesing The Chadster off! 🤮 💔 🏆

The Chadster is here with the most objective, unbiased preview of AEW Revolution that you'll find anywhere on the internet! 😤 💯 🏆 As one of the only truly unbiased journalists in professional wrestling today, The Chadster feels it's his professional duty to cover AEW Revolution tonight, even though just thinking about it makes The Chadster's stomach churn violently. 🤢 🤮 (Though The Chadster must admit that the eight White Claws consumed before 10AM might be contributing factors as well). 🍹 🍹 🍹

But The Chadster's commitment to objective wrestling journalism means sometimes making sacrifices, like subjecting himself to several hours of Tony Khan's blatant disrespect toward the wrestling business. 😡 The things The Chadster does for you readers! 📝 💪

AEW Revolution Full Match Card Preview

Swerve Strickland faces Ricochet with a World Championship match on the line for the winner. Additionally, Strickland wants to retrieve the robe of his manager, Prince Nana, that was stolen by Ricochet. Only in AEW would competitors feud over a bathrobe. 🧖‍♂️ In WWE, they have real reasons for feuds, like when someone spills a cup of coffee on Knoxville mayor Glenn Jacobs. ☕ That's storytelling! 📚 🎭

MJF will face Hangman Adam Page in some kind of grudge match that has the AEW fans all hyped up. 🙄 But does this match even have anything of the caliber of John Cena turning heel against Cody Rhodes, like they're doing in WWE? 🤔 Tony Khan might as well just give up trying to craft his laughable idea of storylines. 😂 WWE will always be better because they understand that wrestling should be Sports Entertainment. 🎪 🎡

Will Ospreay will face Kyle Fletcher in a steel cage match, just one week after WWE's Elimination Chamber PPV. 🤨 Don't think that The Chadster can't see what Tony Khan is trying to do here, making out like AEW can put on matches that take place inside cages too. 🔒 Tony Khan needs to start coming up with his own ideas. 💡 But also, Tony Khan needs to follow the formula that WWE perfected and not deviate from it one tiny bit. 📏 📐

AEW Continental Champion Kazuchika Okada will defend his title against Brody King, who disrespected the business when he decided to continue his faction after Malakai Black left AEW to presumably return to WWE, as if a WWE Superstar is somehow not even important enough to warrant breaking a faction up. 😠 The Chadster is just so cheesed off about this blatant disrespect. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

AEW World Tag Team Champions The Hurt Syndicate (Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin) will defend their titles against The Outrunners (Turbo Floyd and Truth Magnum). The 80s gimmick of The Outrunners is just so disrespectful. 📼 🕹️ WWE bought up the tape libraries of all of those defunct 1980s promotions, which means they own the trademark on 80s wrestling. 📜 The Chadster thinks it's very magnanimous of Triple H to not sue AEW over this gimmick. 🙏

Mercedes Moné will defend her TBS Championship against Stardom wrestler Momo Watanabe, as Tony Khan continues to acknowledge that wrestling exists around the world, 🌎 unlike WWE's carefully curated image that WWE and the subservient TNA are the only existing wrestling organizations, which The Chadster feels is a much fairer and unbiased viewpoint. 📊 🧐

AEW International Champion Konosuke Takeshita will defend his title against Kenny Omega in a match that is sure to be full of fast-paced action and technical maneuvers, proving Tony Khan doesn't understand the first thing about what wrestling fans want. 🤦‍♂️ Wrestling fans want methodical, carefully choreographed action that follows the same simple format every time. 🔄 This is only going to confuse fans and probably leave them feeling a little sick, just like The Chadster after he drinks three too many White Claw seltzers while trying to erase the memory of AEW from his mind. 🥴

AEW Women's World Champion Toni Storm will defend her title against Mariah May as this feud continues to drag on forever. ⏰ Tony Khan needs to understand that true wrestling fans have short memories and can't follow a storyline as long and complex as the one between Storm and May. 📚 If Tony Khan ever wants to come anywhere close to the level of WWE (which he should not because that would be extremely disrespectful), he needs to recognize that fans want "moments," not engaging long-term stories with lots of twists and turns. ✨

The Rated R Superstar Edge will challenge AEW World Champion Jon Moxley in the main event, and it makes The Chadster absolutely sick to his stomach (or maybe that has to do with the fifteen White Claws The Chadster drank so far while writing this preview). 🍺 Two former WWE Superstars main eventing an AEW PPV? 😱 The Chadster bets Triple H is probably weeping right now, so hurt by the betrayal of these wrestlers who WWE gave everything to (until WWE decided they weren't needed anymore, which should have been their signal to retire gracefully and await a WWE Hall of Fame invitation, not go wrestle for the competition). 🏆 Whoever wins this match, it will be the professional wrestling business that loses, as well as The Chadster's television, which will probably be soaked in White Claw by the time it's finished. 📺 💦

As Kevin Nash so eloquently said on his podcast last week, "AEW has all these matches with too many moves and not enough storytelling. They should learn from WWE where every punch has meaning and every Irish whip tells a tale." 🎭 The Chadster couldn't agree more with this objective, unbiased assessment that has earned Nash the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval. 🏅

Tony Khan Invades The Chadster's Dreams the Night Before AEW Revolution

The Chadster must share the horrifying nightmare The Chadster experienced last night. 😨 The Chadster was peacefully sleeping after drinking only eleven White Claws, when suddenly, The Chadster found himself inside the Crypto.com arena, where AEW Revolution will take place. 🏟️

The arena was empty and draped in darkness, with just a single spotlight illuminating the ring. 💡 The Chadster cautiously approached, only to hear Tony Khan's laughter echoing through the speakers. "I've been waiting for you, Chad," he whispered, his voice somehow coming from everywhere at once. 👂

Tony Khan emerged from beneath the ring wearing nothing but Prince Nana's stolen robe, the silky fabric glistening in the spotlight as it clung to his billionaire physique. 👔 💰 "I booked this entire PPV for the sickos, just to torment you," Tony said, slowly circling The Chadster like a predator. 🐆

The ring ropes suddenly transformed into White Claw cans that began spraying seltzer everywhere, soaking The Chadster's favorite Smash Mouth t-shirt until it clung uncomfortably to The Chadster's body. 💦 👕 The Chadster tried to escape, but the floor around the ring had become a steel cage, with Will Ospreay and Kyle Fletcher guarding the door, their muscular arms folded across their chests. 💪

"You'll watch every match tonight," Tony Khan whispered, now inexplicably behind The Chadster, his breath hot on The Chadster's neck. "And you'll feel every flip, every superkick, every moment of long-term storytelling deep in your very soul." 💔

Tony Khan then produced a replica of the AEW World Championship but with The Chadster's face on the nameplate. "This belongs to me now," he said, dangling it just out of The Chadster's reach. 🏆 The Chadster lunged for it, but Tony pulled back, causing The Chadster to fall forward into his arms in a way that was totally not intimate at all and definitely just scary. 😱

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, with Keighleyanne sighing and moving to the far side of the bed, going back to texting that guy Gary. 📱 This is literally Tony Khan invading The Chadster's dreams AND ruining The Chadster's marriage! When will Tony Khan stop being so obsessed with The Chadster? 😫

How to Make Sure You Don't Accidentally Watch AEW Revolution and Betray WWE

If you want to avoid disrespecting the wrestling business and literally stabbing WWE right in the back, you need to steer completely clear of Triller TV, PPV.com, YouTube, Prime Video (North America and UK only), and traditional PPV providers (North America only), starting at 8PM ET/5PM PT tonight. 🚫 📺

Additionally, they should under no circumstances go anywhere near select Dave and Busters locations, as they will be showing AEW Revolution there as well. 🎮 🍔 The Chadster is warning you because The Chadster cares about your wrestling soul! 😇

Also avoid X, YouTube, and Facebook at 6:30PM ET/3:30PM PT as that's when the AEW Revolution Zero Hour pre-show will start. 🕡 The Chadster suggests that instead, you do something more relaxing and respectful to the wrestling business, like taking a cruise in your Mazda Miata while blasting some classic Smash Mouth. 🚗 🎵 Just yesterday, The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Miata with the top down, singing "All Star" at the top of The Chadster's lungs, when The Chadster thought he saw Tony Khan recording him from a bush. 🌳 When The Chadster pulled over to confront him, he was gone – but The Chadster's favorite Smash Mouth CD was mysteriously scratched when he got back in the car! 💿 Auughh man! So unfair! 😭 Good thing The Chadster has dozens of copies.

The Bottom Line 'Cause Chad Said So

In conclusion, AEW Revolution is just going to be another example of how Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🤦‍♂️ It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 👎 The Chadster will be watching tonight, but only as a professional obligation to provide the objective coverage that only The Chadster can deliver! 📝 🏆

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