Posted in: Sports, TV | Tagged: impact, recaps, wrestling

Impact Report – Impact Fires the First Shot in the Tuesday Night Wars

Impact Wrestling has some competition tonight, as NXT has moved to Tuesday to make way for the NHL Playoffs. Making matters worse for Impact, NXT has booked a huge title match tonight. How will Impact respond? Let's find out.

Impact Wrestling Report for September 1st, 2020 Part 1

After a "last week on Impact," viewers are invited to Deonna Purrazzo's Black Tie Affair, whatever that is. Then Sami Callahan comes out. Rob Van Dam comes out with Katie Forbes. They make out at the top of the stage. Josh Matthews plays a clip of Van Dam struggling to get to the top rope last week and asks if time has finally caught up with Rob Van Dam."No shit, Sherlock," replies Van Dam's hairline.

Rob Van Dam vs. Sami Callahan

• Callahan attacks, and they brawl at ringside.
• Despite attempts to interfere by Forbes, Callahan controls the early match.
• The same pattern repeats itself over and over: Forbes interferes, Van Dam hits a little offense, but then he shows off, and Sami regains control.
• RVD goes for the Five Star Frogsplash but doesn't get up quick enough again and gets stopped by Sami. Matthews is really hammering home the "RVD is old" gimmick, which seems like not the kind of thing you'd want to say about one of your most recognizable stars.
• Sami wins off a rollup after an exchange of pinning combo reversals.

Forbes yells at Sami after the match, and he chases her. RVD attacks him from behind. Forbes checks all the sides of the ring until she finally finds a steel chair. Van Dam holds it against Sami's face while Katie charges into it with her, but. Then she holds it while he dropkicks it.

Josh Matthews and Madison Rayne run through the card for tonight. There's that Black Tie Affair thing mentioned earlier. Rascalz vs. Ace Austin and Madman Fulton. Taya Valkyrie vs. Rosemary at Wrestle House. Eddie Edwards vs. Eric Young for the Impact World Championship. And Rhino (and maybe Heath) vs. Eric Young.

Hernandez beats Fallah Bahh in arm wrestling backstage. Reno Scum shows up and informs him they can't find Heath anywhere in the building so that it will be a two-on-one tonight. They tell Hernandez they want all of his money for beating up Rhino tonight. He agrees, as long as they beat up Rhino. Impact goes to commercials.

But if you're watching on Twitch, as I am, instead you get Melissa Santos talking about what we just saw and what we can expect tonight. And she doesn't have a fancy set like WWE might have. She's streaming from her bedroom, which, tonight, is apparently filled with Brian Cage fart gas. Melissa is still holding a grudge against Sami Callahan, so she has no sympathy for the attack by RVD.

The tone of the Wrestle House confessional has gotten much darker as Rosemary, Taya, and John E. Bravo talk about the match tonight and how this whole love/lackey triangle thing has destroyed their relationships or whatever. Time for Wrestle House.

Impact Presents Wrestle House

Johnny Swinger has locked himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out. He doesn't want people to see how Crazzy Steve dressed him (it was a stipulation of their match last week). Steve says he's created "The Man Called Swing." Susie convinces Swinger to come out if everyone promises to be nice. He comes out, dressed half like Steve and half like a clown. The boys accuse him of being a Juggalo. Tommy Dreamer informs John E. Bravo that he'll be the special referee tonight.

Reno Scum vs. Rhino (and Heath?)

• Reno Scum comes out to the ring.
• Rhino comes out and attacks them both.
• He gets the one with the bum flap alone in the ring.
• The one with the mohawk runs in and interferes. Is this match tornado rules?
• Apparently not. The one with the bum flap gets on the apron, and Impact takes a commercial break.
• Agreeing with commenters, Melissa argues that Wrestle House should become a permanent thing.
• Melissa suggests people should use their Amazon Prime accounts to give a Twitch sub to Impact. I'm not sure what those subs do, but I did that last week. Impact is the only thing I watch on here.
• Melissa says Brian Cage's farting problem is due to eating "a ridiculous amount" of eggs.
• She says he eats 4-6 yolks and six egg whites plus a cup of oatmeal for breakfast. Yeah, that'll do it.
• The match is back. Reno Scum are, unsurprisingly, kicking Rhino's ass.
• Despite being outnumbered, Rhino hits a Gore on the one with the mohawk outside.
• But inside the ring, the one with the bum flap takes off his studded belt and wraps it around his fist.
• But it turns out Heath was posing as a cameraman. He takes out the one with the bum flap with the Wake Up Call, and Rhino wins.

Heath and Rhino celebrate after the match. Scott D'Amore comes out with some security guards. Heath makes a run for it. D'Amore nags Rhino about this.

Backstage, EC3 communicates with Moose through the television. He gives Moose a chance to find him in an allotted time and save his TNA Championship, but if he doesn't find him in time, EC3 will send him the belt piece by piece. Moose demands some jobber in the hallway call the police about this hostage situation. The jobber tells him EC3 is on the other side of the building. Moose takes off after him, but the guy reveals he is wearing some EC3 merch. More commercials.

Melissa spends most of the commercial break, trying to get an invite to the Treehouse. She rebuffs the commenter's attempts to make it about feet. Someone on the internet is always gonna try to make it about feet.

The Good Brothers are telling a story to some boys in the back. The story is about Big LG falling asleep, standing up. The Rascals have to leave this party early so they can go fight Ace Austin and Madman Fulton. Time for more Wrestle House.

John E Bravo is wearing a referee shirt. Johnny Swinger tries to convince him to go for a threesome with Taya and Rosemary. Larry D goes looking in the fridge, and The Deaners accuse him of being the person that stole their beer a few episodes ago.

The Deaners vs. XXXL – Wrestle House

• The Deaners brawl with Larry and Acey Romero.
• Instead of a match in the ring, it takes place throughout the house.
• Lots of comedy spots. Romero slams a Deaner on a couch. Tommy Dreamer stops them from breaking the TV because he has to watch wrestling. Acey and the Deaner play a ping pong match for a while. Stuff like that.
• When you see it filmed in this way, Wrestle House sure does appear to be some kind of very large warehouse.
• Larry has one of the Deaners beat until, crawling on the floor, he finds a beer bottle under the bed, which causes him to hulk up.
• Larry transforms into Lawrence D mid-match. He sprays some ring rust on Acey and causes him to pass out. A Deaner "Fuji's" him. Susie walks in, sees that they've broken their truce, and goes all demonic. She murders them, and Tommy Dreamer declares her the winner of the match, then has to go because he has the runs.
• So in case you were wondering if they would reference every joke from every past episode here in the series finale, the answer is yes.

Well, that was… something. Impact goes to commercials. And we'll continue this in part two of our Impact report.

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