Impact Results: Beleaguered Moose Defends the TNA Championship

Your El Presidente is sad, comrades. I turned on Impact's Twitch channel a few minutes early, just in time to see Johnny Swinger leaving the ring. Nobody told me there would be a Johnny Swinger match on Before the Impact! Somebody will die like a dog for this! But first, I should probably get this Impact Wrestling report done. Haw haw haw haw!

Moose battles Jake Something on Impact Wrestling
Moose battles Jake Something on Impact Wrestling

Impact Wrestling Results – February 23, 2021

Deaner vs. Jake Something

Impact starts things off with the kind of match I love, comrades. Two former friends, cousins in this case, now the bitterest of enemies thanks to one falling in with the wrong crowd. It's like I always told Maduro, make sure you are not hanging around with any capitalist or with the American CIA. "But Your Excellency," he would argue, "The American CIA are my friends!" I told him, but he wouldn't listen, and then before he knew it, American mercenaries are arriving by boat to assassinate him and he cannot even properly jail his political rivals! Haw haw haw haw! Anyway, comrades, it's a grueling, emotional battle and Jake Something comes down on top, putting Deaner through the table! Well done, my friend!

Winner: Jake Something
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Moose spears Jake through a table out of nowhere. He sets up a chair in the ring and demands an Impact Championship match, and he's not leaving the ring until he gets it! In other words, he is going on strike! Yes, comrade! Rise up and seize the means of production! Do not let that capitalist swine Scott D'Amore tell you what to do! The championships must be redistributed! Socialism or death! All who oppose you shall die like dogs!

But first, some commercials, comrades.

Jake Something is still being stretchered away when Scott D'Amore finally comes out to demand Moose leave the ring. Don't do it, Moose! He is a lying fat cat! Jake Something comes back out and wants to get in the ring with Moose, but officials hold him back. D'Amore says if Moose wants the title match, he can have one. D'Amore makes the TNA World Heavyweight Championship an official world title and books Moose to defend it in the main event tonight! That imperialist scum!

Willie Mack, Josh Alexander, and Trey Miguel vs. Ace Austin, Chris Bey, and Black Taurus

Six men who could easily band together and overthrow the oppressive regime of Impact management but instead choose to trade their labor for pitiful wages in a six-man tag match. I'm sorry, comrades. Capitalism makes me very upset, but I did not mean to lose my temper. So I guess that it would have been Sammy Guevara in this match instead of Black Taurus if Sammy didn't have creative differences with Impact. Good for him standing up for himself though. And also good for Chris Bey, who gets the pin on Willie Mack.

Winners: Ace Austin, Chris Bey, and Black Taurus
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Bey, Taurus, and Austin will now face each other in a triple threat next week to become number one contender for the X-Division Championship.

Sami Callihan is backstage to harass Trey Miguel again about losing the match. Trey can't take it and assaults Sami. Sami is happy about it.

Decay cuts a promo. It's mostly gobbledygook, comrades, but I think Rosemary is planning to usher in something called "the age of shadows." It sounds very grim.

Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan are joined by members of the AEW roster. Tony Khan makes fun of Impact and compares them to a kid he is mentoring for charity. Oh, so Impact is like Tony Khan's Maduro? Britt Baker, Rebel, Ricky Starks, Brian Cage, Ryan Nemeth, Isiah Kassidy, and Matt Hardy are all there to promote their matches on Dynamite tomorrow.

Havok gives Nevaeh a pep talk about how they can turn around their losing streak. But Nevaeh wants some time to herself. Tenille Dashwood and Kaleb approach with an offer for Havok to join their tag team. Havok says she's not interested. But they are not deterred, comrades.

XXXL vs. The Good Brothers

XXXL takes on the Good Brothers in a good old-fashioned tag team match. Could this be XXXL's night, comrades? No. They are here to do the job and they do.

Winners: The Good Brothers
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Chris Sabin and James Storm are still hanging out in Johnny Swinger's casino. The problem is they're winning, which Swinger doesn't like. Rohit Raju shows up with Mahabli Shera and starts to play blackjack at the table. He busts and ruins the game. Storm wants to fight, but Sabin asks him not to. Swinger books a match between Storm and Raju.

Now it's time for a special event only on Twitch. Every week, during the commercials, since Melissa Santos stopped hosting, Impact plays highlights from the storied past of TNA. Every week, one of the highlights is the Steiner Math promo, and the people in the Twitch chat start demanding it from the very first commercial break. When it finally happens, everyone joyously shouts along with the promo. It is quite a phenomenon, comrades.

The Good Brothers hang out with Juice Robinson and David Finlay backstage. Robinson mocks them about taking too long to beat XXXL. He and Finlay talk some trash and rile up Karl Anderson.

Eddie Edwards vs. Brian Myers

Myers comes out but stops at the top of the stage. He says he's not wrestling. Mark Sterling, Esq appears on the ImpactTron as Myers' new attorney. Sterling says unsafe working conditions in Impact led to damage to Myers' eyesight, so he's advised Myers not to wrestle tonight. However, a clause in the contract says a replacement can be made if Myers cannot compete, so Sterling introduces the replacement: Hernandez.

Eddie Edwards vs. Hernandez

Hernandez comes out and Edwards dives out of the ring to start the match. It goes about three minutes and Eddie wins with Boston Knee Party.

Winner: Eddie Edwards
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

After some commercials, Matt Cardona tries to apologize to Myers for hitting him in the eye. Scott D'Amore also shows up, and he says that Myers' lawyer missed that the contract specifies Impact's doctor is the one who judges whether Myers can compete. He says next week, Myers will face Eddie Edwards in an Eye for an Eye match.

"That sounds wildly unsafe!" Myers says. D'Amore says he'll appoint Cardona as the special ref to keep it safe. Myers asks if D'Amore is serious. D'Amore says of course not and mocks the concept. Take that, WWE! Haw haw haw haw!

Jordynne Grace and Jazz vs. Kimber Lee and Susan

The match starts off with a lot of interference from Deonna Purrazzo. ODB comes out to even the odds, and the referee makes everyone leave the ringside area. In a fair fight, Lee and Susan are outmatched. Grace pins Susan with the Grace Driver.

Winners: Jordynne Grace and Jazz
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

So Grace and Jazz will go for the tag team championships then. They get backstage, but ODB is unconscious on the ground.

Next week on Impact: Rohit Raju vs. James Storm on BTI. Brian Myers vs. Eddie Edwards with special ref Matt Cardona. Good Brothers, Juice Robinson, and David Finlay vs XXXL and Reno Scum. And Chris Bey vs. Ace Austin vs. Black Taurus with the winner earning a shot at the X-Division Championship.

Jake Something vs. Moose – TNA Heavyweight Championship Match

Jake Something attacks Moose from behind during his entrance. They fight for ten minutes. It's shameful of Jake Something to fight on the side of management against Moose, who had a legitimate right to strike. Jake Something is a scab, comrades! Thankfully, Moose puts him in his place and wins the match.

Winner: Moose
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Moose also tries to assault Jake with a chair after the match, which is righteous retribution in El Presidente's opinion. Rich Swann comes out to make the save. Officials break it up. That capitalist dog Scott D'Amore shows up and makes a match for March 13th at Sacrifice. But will they throw Kurt Angle into the mix?

Another excellent episode of Impact Wrestling, comrades. I give it a 2.5 out of 5. Until next time, my friends: socialism or death!

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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