WWE Raw – Welcome Back to the Thunderdome

After the catharsis of seeing a large live crowd at a wrestling event for the first time a in a year, it's back to the Thunderdome for WWE Raw for the foreseeable future. What did WWE have in store for fans on the first Raw after WrestleMania?

So you missed WWE Raw last night. Now what? Do you find time in your busy schedule to watch it on DVR or Hulu? Do you read one of those wordy recaps published by other wrestling websites that give you a blow-by-blow account of the entire show and take as long to read as watching it yourself? Hell no! Welcome to Five Minute Raw, a minimalist wrestling TV recap containing only what you need to know to accurately complain about Raw on the internet without investing two hours in watching it. We're putting as much effort into it as you are. You're welcome!

So the idea is... Retribution is over... but we're still keeping these stupid gimmicks?!
So the idea is… Retribution is over… but we're still keeping these stupid gimmicks?!

Earlier today, a video filmed earlier today reveals, Riddle harassed Bobby Lashley into getting a match tonight, so Raw kicks off with Lashley kicking the crap out of Riddle in an extra-long squash match. Kevin Patrick interviewed new Raw Women's Champion Rhea Ripley, who attributed her WrestleMania win to confidence. And she's said she would fight Asuka again tonight in a post-WrestleMania tradition of lazy booking.

The Viking Raiders returned so that Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander would have someone new to job to, and that's what happened. Asuka claimed in an interview she would win the championship back tonight. Charlotte Flair cut a promo in the ring complaining about not being in WrestleMania this year and not having a title match tonight. She said she's better than everyone on the roster and told off the fans for accusing her of stealing opportunities from their favorites. Fake boos were piped in to cement the heel turn.

Would you buy a used car from this man? [WWE Raw]
Would you buy a used car from this man?
Asuka and Rhea Ripley had their rematch. It wasted a lot of time and Ripley won again. Maryse joined Miz and Morrison backstage. Nia Jax watched a clip of Mandy Rose slipping on the ramp at WrestleMania over and over. Rose and Brooke attacked them. Alexa explained why she leaked motor oil at WrestleMania and cost The Fiend his match. She realized that the darkness was actually inside her all along. She had creepy new doll with teeth named Lily (the doll, not the teeth) and maybe they're challenging for the tag belts.

On MizTV (with Maryse), Miz took credit for Bad Bunny's success as a wrestler. Damian Priest took issue with that and it ends in a handicap match for him against Miz and Morrison, which Miz won by cheating, with help from Maryse. Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler had a match with Dana Brooke and Mandy Rose, but Brooke and Rose walked away after Jax slipped climbing up on the apron. You can't manufacture a "my hole" moment, WWE.

Drew McIntyre interrupted an MVP promo to insert himself back into the title picture, but Braun Strowman also interrupted, and then Randy Orton interrupted that. Adam Pearce made it a triple threat match with the winner getting a title shot at WrestleMania Backlash. Elias and Jaxson Ryker tried to give a musical performance putting over Shane McMahon but were interrupted by The New Day, who made trombone noises every time Elias tried to strum his guitar. They got a DMX tribute in there too before it turned into a match, which New Day won.

The Fiend is dead... meet... The Simp, Bray Wyatt on WWE Raw
The Fiend is dead… meet… The Simp, Bray Wyatt on WWE Raw

Randy Orton cut a promo. Bray Wyatt returned to the Firefly Funhouse and suggested a reboot of his character. Drew McIntyre defeated Randy Orton and Braun Strowman in a triple threat match, earning another shot at Bobby Lashley for WrestleMania Backlash. MVP came to the stage, and while McIntyre was distracted, T-Bar and Mace attacked him from behind. So Retribution is the new Hurt Business?

Here's my most important thought on WWE Raw this week: WWE's new play-by-play announcer has way too much personality and is going to need to be crushed by the WWE system. Anyway, the show was alright. Lots of filler, as to be expected from Raw. Hopefully, crowds can come back soon because yesterday reminded me that the fans booing the crap out of WWE's bad booking makes it a million times more tolerable.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.