Posted in: Comics | Tagged: Charmin, Matthew Rosenberg, murder

Matthew Rosenberg Offers Money for Murder of Feces-Obsessed Cartoon Bear

Published Sat, 01 Feb 2020 16:30:24 -0600

Matthew Rosenberg is the Axl Rose of comics. No, hear us out. After finding success as part of the biggest band in the world and releasing both the number one and number two album on the Billboard Charts at the same time with Use Your Illusion 1 & 2 at the same time, Axl couldn't handle the success and not only ended up breaking up the band's classic lineup for two decades, but then set about failing to release new original studio material in the form of Chinese Democracy for something like twelve years. In a similar situation, Matthew Rosenberg achieved the pinnacle of his career when he was awarded the Wolverine's Weiner X-Pick of the Year for Best Twitter Account of 2018, but couldn't handle the pressure and almost immediately quit Twitter, only returning a few dozen times in 2019 to provide Bleeding Cool with clickbait article material with his tweets.

But just like Guns N' Roses, who are working on a new album by the way, Rosenberg has finally returned and he's producing some of the best work of his Twitter career. Earlier this week, we saw Rosenberg feud with the United States Postal Service, recalling his classic 2018 Twitter battle with FedEx. And now, Rosenberg took to Twitter late Friday night to offer an assassination contract on the cartoon bear from the Charmin toilet paper commercials and his whole family. Is this clickbait article Rosenberg's Chinese Democracy?

I don't support hunting but I would pay someone to kill those Charmin bears.

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AshcanPress) February 1, 2020

I hope someone shoots him in his bed and mounts his head over their toilet.

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AshcanPress) February 1, 2020

Rosenberg's bloodlust for the pelts of these adorable but admittedly anally-fixated cartoon bears caused some to question his mental state, but Rosenberg assured his fans that his hatred is clearly justified.

I just had a child bear and his mom talk to me about shitting. I don't feel OK. https://t.co/G1xAjKe6wu

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AshcanPress) February 1, 2020

Besides, Rosenberg proved he hasn't lost his mind and still recognizes the difference between fantasy and reality.

*nutritional

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AshcanPress) February 1, 2020

Welcome back, Matthew Rosenberg. This is the kind of content we hope we see more of in 2020. And also, try not to show up three hours late to the Marvel creative summit.