With Marauders #10, the first X-Men comic in stores since the pandemic started in America, it looks like the comics industry is finally "back." They've got t-shirts and everything, even if Steve Geppi totally ripped off the slogan from The Situation of Jersey Shore fame. For me, and for many people I think, the industry shutdown was the perfect jumping-off point for most of the comics we were habitually buying.
If you think about it, these things really aren't a very good value for the money. For one thing, four or five bucks is too expensive for a floppy that contains one-fifth of a story. For another, there's just too many of them, and yet Marvel and DC insist everyone is Earth-shatteringly important. It's all a scam to keep you buying the next comic and the next comic with a promise of a big payoff during the next super-mega-crossover event. Still, that super-mega-crossover event is just a setup for the next super-mega-crossover event, the next number one issue relaunch, the next big gimmick.
Of course, I've been saying all of that for around a decade now, but now that the industry stopped shipping comics for two months, a lot of other people have realized that life goes on even if they don't spend all their money at the comic shop every Wednesday. I think it was a mistake not to ship comics digitally during the shutdown. I get that the direct market needs to be propped up because it's been on the verge of collapse for twenty years, but now all of the suckers who were addicted to buying comics every week have been forcibly broken of the habit. How many will come back?
All of that said, I'm ready to inject some X-Men comics into my veins like a desperate junkie, so that means X-ual Healing is back, baby! Let's get to the recap…
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.
Marauders #10 Recap
(W) Gerry Duggan (A) Stefano Caselli (CA) Russell Dauterman
A SHOW OF POWER!
The Marauders set their sights on the power-dampening technology that seems to have made its way into far too many hands – most notably, the Russian Army. The Hellfire's wrath with be swift and harsh.
In Shops: May 27, 2020
Forge is in Genosha at a whiskey distillery with Tempo and Sebastian Shaw. Tempo calls Sebastian Shaw a "dandy." Shaw casually explains via expository dialog that Tempo's powers age the whiskey 50 years as soon as its made. But he's gotta run. Quiet Council meeting.
Storm shows up at the distillery. Is she finally gonna tell Forge she would have accepted that marriage proposal thirty years ago? No, it's another blast from the past. Storm tells Forge the Russians are using his old Claremont-era power-stealing technology to make their weapons. Welcome to Lifedeath 3: This Time It's Lifedeathier!
This issue of Marauders is actually titled "Send One of Theirs to the Morgue." It's the Chicago way. But honestly, that city doesn't even know how to make a decent pizza. Why would we take their advice on anything?
The Quiet Council is meeting in Krakoa. Sinister looks like he hasn't washed his greasy hair since the pandemic started. Sophie Cuckoo briefs the council on the state of world politics. Madripoor, Brazil, and Russia are coordinating their anti-mutant agenda. The Marauders have gone off to take care of things. Magneto tells Sophie to tell Emma Frost to kill 'em all.
We see an old email from Kate Pryde to Nightcrawler. She references lots of great Claremont era character moments where Kurt helped her get through tough times. She wants his support now as she deals with Krakoa rejecting her. Hopefully, Kurt gets in touch soon so they can… oh wait, she's dead.
The Marauders attack a Russian ship in the middle of the ocean. Iceman lifts it out of the water with his ice powers. Well done, Iceman. See you next issue. The Maruaders have a UFO apparently, called The Mercury. This will be important later. Forge, Pyro, and Emma teleport aboard the Russian ship. Forge grabs Daniels, a Department of Defense engineer with a photographic memory who stole Forge's power stealing gun designs. Daniels says the Russians made him do it. Normally that would be a poor excuse, but sources in the Department of Justice tell us Bill Barr has already had the charges dropped.
Emma and Pyro are accosted by some guards, so Emma unbuttons her jacket and flashes them her boobies. Then she makes them shoot each other in the dicks. She explains to Pyro that it's easier to mind control people when they have boners.
Bishop is now with Forge and Daniels, and they're ready for extraction. But the ship's captain is ready to blow the whole ship up. Luckily, Callisto is there to stop him.
Now we see Emma's master plan. She takes the only prototype of the power stealing gun from the Captain. Then she beams all the Russians aboard her UFO and implants a story in their mind that they were abducted by aliens who cured them of all racism and bigotry. They have no memory of the past month, but they become physically sick if they think of causing violence to mutants or any other marginalized group. Jeeze, the last time I was abducted by aliens, all I got was an anal probe. The UFO blows up the Russian ship.
Afterward, we see that Christian Frost is piloting the UFO with a piano because mutants are just weird like that. Bishop wants to know where Emma got a UFO, but apparently that's a story for another day. On the beach of Krakoa, Forge says goodbye to Daniels. They're going to have to wipe his memory of a lot of stuff, but on the bright side, he gets to live in witness protection at the Marauders' golf course in Arizona.
Another email, this time Nightcrawler replying to Kate. He promises to solve her Krakoa problem… with Jesus. He hopes they can catch up soon. Sorry, Kurt. She's dead.
Speaking of which, at Arbor Magna, in the mutant resurrection chamber, Professor Xavier comes to the conclusion that Kate simply can't be resurrected. After all, you can't have the big Kate Pryde returns issue until you've had the big funeral issue. So that will be next month, assuming the industry can survive that long.
Ah, the first X-Men comic in over a month. Was it good for you? It was good for me. I'm just gonna light up this cigarette, and I'll see you next week. Wait, is there an X-Men comic next week? Who even knows anymore? Well, I'll see you whenever the next one comes out.
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