Ben Affleck will direct and Matt Damon will star in an adaptation of Jeff Maysh's How An Ex-Cop Rigged McDonald's Monopoly Game And Stole Millions, a true crime story about a man who scammed the McDonalds Monopoly game. Deadpool writers Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese will handle the screenplay, according to punctuality-obsessed Hollywood gossip rag Deadline. Fox is making the movie, having apparently won a bidding war for the story, which was published on The Daily Beast. Universal, Warner Bros, and Netflix were apparently all desperately trying to get their hands on this story, along with celebrities like Robert Downey Jr. and Kevin Hart, according to the report.
Fox, however, were the… wait a minute. Where was this story published? The Daily Beast? Everyone was bidding on the rights to make a movie out of a blog post? Holy crap! It's true. Here's Deadline describing the plot of the blog post as if it were a movie or a novel:
The article opens in 2001 in Rhode Island, as a million dollar check is delvered to a man who said he'd won the $1 million grand prize after collecting Monopoly pieces attached to food products, defying the 1 in 250 million odds and modeled after the venerable board game that the piece says was invented as a warning about the destructive nature of greed. A camera crew was dispatched to hear how the man won, and they chronicled his series of lies. They were FBI agents closing in on a sting that began with a tip about an "Uncle Jerry," who'd sell stolen game pieces. Solid detective work unearthed Jerry Jacobson, a head of security for a Los Angeles company responsible for generating the game pieces. It led to a wide conspiracy that involved mobsters, psychic, strip-club owners, drug traffickers and a family of Mormons who falsely claimed to have won more than $24 million in cash and prizes.
Hahaha! Oh man. You know what this means, don't you? It means that now that blog posts can get movie adaptation deals, we've finally made it! We're rich! We're rich! So long, suckers! We're heading to Hollywood to collect our big money blog post deal, buying a mansion with a really tall fence, and never working another day of our lives! And now that we don't need you anymore, we've got a message for all of you lousy, entitled, complaining readers:
Wahoo! Suck it, los– Wait, what's that? We can't leave until we actually score a movie deal? And nobody is interested in any of our posts? Uhhh….
[Note to copy editor: please remove all the insults to the stupid readers before publication.]
Of course, even after we're filthy rich, we'll still hang out our beloved readers. Any Hollywood producers interested in adapting this blog post as a movie, call us!