Reddit's /r/SquaredCircle subreddit is probably the largest pro-wrestling forum on the internet, so participants and lurkers would be easily forgiven if they don't manage to read every post and comment. But if you haven't yet witnessed an appearance by the fantastic Bret Hart parody account /u/BretHartBuriesThis, you're missing out on what may be not only the best part of Reddit but the best thing on the entire internet right now.
The account has been posting regularly for over three months. However, the first time we witnessed it in action was this past weekend when /u/BretHartBuriesThis chimed in on post showing off a photo of the actual Bret Hart sitting atop a pallet of food in the Hart family food pantry back in the day. The fake Bret Hart, which posts quotes ostensibly coming from a Bret Hart shoot interview or his book, commented:
"It didn't matter if it was the entrance aisle at madison square garden, or the produce aisle. I always treated both with the same sort of respect. A lot of the guys back then sort of saw it above them to go out into the grocery store i think. I mean there was sort of the sense that you're tired from being on the road and traveling, the last thing you kinda want to do is go get your week's groceries with your wife and kids y'know. A lot of guys got home and they'd just sort of sit on the couch and watch the simpsons. Which since I was on the Simpsons, that kinda never appealed to me anyways. I believed whatever you put in your body at home, translated to what you put out in the ring on the road.
Julie used to like seeing me get in my ring gear, oil my hair, and put on the jacket. Julie would usually run ahead, and give the customer service girl a cassette with my theme they could play when I entered the store. I'd make a real effort to at least go down two aisles, slapping hands with the fans & their carts. Usually i'd wrap it up by walking up to a deserving produce clerk, and putting my glasses on them. It always got a pretty good reaction. The fans knew when I was in the store, they were going to get their money's worth y'know.
A good grocery store trip is not really much different from a good match. You gotta sort of go in there with a bit of a game plan, what sort of story you're going to tell in there. Some guys like a Yoko would get real blown up early in the produce section, and by the time they got to the coffee aisle they were looking for that quick roll-up finish y'know. That's why a lot of the guys wanted to always go get groceries with me. They knew they were gonna get their vegetables, their meats, their grains, but most of all they knew they'd be safe. They knew they could leave the store how they went in, and that they'd be able to go back to their families. Which is something I took a lot of pride in.
My dad Stu used to say that a real shooter always 'leaves the frozens for the finish', which is kind of an old school way of saying leave the cold stuff for last so it doesn't melt. Which makes a lot of sense even today. Don't bring out the big spots or frozen stuff early y'know. It's only going to melt, or lose a lot of it's impact. Which is sortof a problem with today's wrestlers. I remember shopping with Bill Goldberg one time, and from the second he smashed through the automatic doors, he no sold the entire store. He rushed his cart right past everyone and everything to the meat department. From there he'd spear his cart into the frozen food section, and then to the cashier. I mean he'd get out of the store in about 4-5 minutes tops. Of course he'd get to his car, and wouldn't have anything of substance. No vegetables, no starches and his eggs would be all smashed. Which just really showed how he was a real sloppy piece of shit he was both in the grocery store, or in the ring."
We're not sure how the person behind this parody account became so adept at mimicking the cadence, vocabulary, self-absorption, and deeply-entrenched bitterness of the real Bret Hart, but it really is uncannily accurate. Maybe it's someone who's carefully studied every Bret Hart interview ever to perfect the impersonation. Maybe it's a bot that's been trained on transcripts of those interviews and Bret's book. Maybe, in the ultimate swerve, it's actually the real Bret Hart. Who knows? All we know is that every couple of days, like clockwork, the account pops up in the comments of a wrestling-related Reddit thread and posts a comment that never fails to entertain every Redditor that comes across it, and often fools one or two people into believing the quote is real, which is the true mark of the account's success.
Here's the first post the account ever made, commenting on Chris Jericho's hot tub promo from an episode of AEW Dynamite.
"I'm not a fan of guys who deliver promos from hot tubs, or aquatic facilities. I remember WCW and that idiot Eric Bischoff hosting Nitro around that pool, or fountain at spring break. It just used to be the dumbest thing yknow. Here you got a real show, with yknow real athletes and you're undermining it with water. Vince used to say that nobody ever gets over with water, and he was largely right. Except his ass kissing son-in-law Triple H and his stupid bottle spit. Other than that, it just doesn't happen. Doesn't work."
We understand that not everyone is going to find this as hilarious as we do, but if you are the target demographic of these satirical posts, you can entertain yourself over the next few days by reading the account's entire comment history here. And if you don't find it funny, well… there's probably an 8 out of 10 chance you might just be that sloppy piece of shit Bill Goldberg.