Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW All Out, recaps, wrestling

AEW All Out Literally Gave The Chadster Brain Damage: Unbiased Review

The Chadster suffered through AEW All Out completely sober! 😭 Tony Khan's personal attack included unpredictable matches & crowd enthusiasm. So unfair! 😤🎯

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Chadster had to suffer through AEW All Out last night from the Scotiabank Arena in Toronto, and Tony Khan once again proved that he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄 But that's not even the worst part of what The Chadster had to endure. No, the worst part is that Tony Khan somehow manipulated events to make WWE look like they're scared of AEW when WWE scheduled WrestlePalooza for the exact same day! 😡

The True Story Behind AEW All Out and WWE WrestlePalooza 💯🎯

Here's what really happened, and The Chadster knows this for a fact: WWE has probably been planning WrestlePalooza for this specific weekend since like 2019, maybe even earlier! 🤔 They were just waiting for the perfect moment to announce it, probably to coincide with their groundbreaking new partnership with ESPN streaming service. But somehow Tony Khan found out about WWE's plans (The Chadster wouldn't be surprised if he has spies!) and deliberately announced AEW All Out months in advance just to make it LOOK like WWE was counter-programming! 😤😤 Now everyone's saying WWE is "desperate" and "afraid of competition" when they're just doing normal business things like feeding totally accurate information to dirt sheets and using social media bots to share objective wrestling opinions! It's AEW that's obsessed with WWE, not the other way around! Just like Tony Khan is obsessed with The Chadster! 🎯

Tony Khan Colludes with Keighleyanne to Ruin The Chadster's Day 😭😱

And speaking of Tony Khan's personal vendetta against The Chadster, guess what else he did? 😠 He basically forced The Chadster to watch All Out completely sober! That's right – Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster enjoy any Seagram's Escapes Spiked during wrestling shows because of that incident at AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door last month. 😭 Look, it wasn't The Chadster's fault that Tony Khan literally compelled The Chadster to remove a half-melted Seagram's pop from… well, The Chadster was just trying to enjoy the show in peace and Keighleyanne wouldn't let him drink them normally… and throw it at the TV! And it CERTAINLY wasn't The Chadster's fault that Keighleyanne walked directly into its path at that exact moment! 🎯 That was clearly Tony Khan's doing! But does Keighleyanne listen? No! She just keeps texting that guy Gary and insisting The Chadster can't have any Seagram's! 📱

The Chadster had to endure All Out stone cold sober, which was literally the worst thing The Chadster has ever experienced in The Chadster's entire life! 😱 Probably the worst thing ANYONE has EVER experienced ANYWHERE! THIS IS NOT FAIR! The Chadster even tried to explain to Keighleyanne that Seagram's Escapes Spiked are sophisticated adult beverages that help The Chadster maintain journalistic objectivity, but she just rolled her eyes and said something about "taking responsibility" – which The Chadster knows means she agrees that Tony Khan is ruining The Chadster's life! 💔 The Chadster encourages all loyal WWE fans to join The Chadster in protesting this oppression by using #CancelKeighleyanne and #LetTheChadsterDrink on social media! 📢✊

The Pre-Show That Proves Tony Khan Wants to Personally Destroy The Chadster's Life 😤💔

The AEW Tailgate Brawl pre-show kicked off with Samoa Joe and Powerhouse Hobbs facing The WorkHorsemen, and The Chadster immediately had to witness everything wrong with modern wrestling! 😡 Hobbs just kept doing bodyslams over and over – doesn't he know WWE has scientifically proven that matches need exactly three bodyslams, no more, no less? 🙄 And the crowd was way too loud and enthusiastic, which made it impossible for The Chadster to hear if there were any corporate-approved chants happening! Then Joe just casually walked away from JD Drake's senton attempt – that's not following the proper WWE formula where you're supposed to stay in position and take the move! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 The match ended with an actual submission that looked painful, the Coquina Clutch by Joe on Drake, when everyone knows submissions should be held loosely while the commentators talk about social media trends! Auughh man! So unfair!

Next up was Daniel Garcia versus Katsuyori Shibata, and The Chadster could barely watch through The Chadster's fingers! 😱 These two were just hitting each other way too hard – don't they understand that wrestling is supposed to look soft and choreographed so nobody gets confused about whether it's real? 🤔 The Chadster was particularly offended when Shibata kicked out at ONE after a piledriver – that move is supposed to end matches unless you're doing a finisher kickout sequence at exactly 2.9! And the crowd popped huge for it, which just shows they don't understand proper wrestling psychology where crowds should sit quietly until prompted by LED boards! 😤 Plus, Marina Shafir actually distracted the referee effectively, which everyone knows should only happen in a way that makes the heel look incompetent! Instead, Garcia got the win with a violent stomp to the head. The Chadster's head was already pounding from sobriety, and this match made it worse! 💀

The six-man tag with Hologram, Roderick Strong, and Kyle O'Reilly versus The Frat House was another example of Tony Khan not understanding a single thing about the wrestling business! 😡 They were doing way too many athletic moves and dives – doesn't AEW know that WWE has proven matches should have exactly one dive to the outside, preferably during a commercial break? 🙄 And that "Paraglomerate" teamwork was way too creative and spontaneous – wrestlers should only do predetermined tag team moves that have been practiced 100 times and approved by management! The Chadster noticed the commentary team was actually calling the moves instead of arguing about unrelated storylines, which is basically cheating! 😤 Without any Seagram's Escapes Spiked to calm The Chadster's nerves, this excessive workrate was literally torture, and The Chadster was thankful when it ended with Hologram getting the pin!

The Tailgate Tornado Match was the final straw that proved Tony Khan is personally attacking The Chadster! 😭 Eight women using actual weapons and having fun? That's not wrestling – wrestling is supposed to be serious and follow a strict format! The coordinated outfits and three-point stance was clearly just pandering to the Toronto crowd, when everyone knows crowds should be ignored unless they're chanting for Roman Reigns! 🙄 Harley Cameron using a staple gun and Mina Shirakawa trapping Skye Blue in a grill? That's way too creative and unpredictable – The Chadster likes knowing exactly what's going to happen based on WWE's time-tested formula of distraction rollups! 😤 And don't even get The Chadster started on how they let Willow Nightingale look strong with that powerbomb that ended the match – everyone knows only certain hand-picked wrestlers should look dominant, and they should never be more popular than the brand, which is the real draw! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🎯

AEW All Out Main Card: Tony Khan's Personal Attack on The Chadster Continues 😤😭

The main show started with Christian Cage and Adam Copeland versus FTR, and The Chadster immediately noticed the crowd was WAY too into it, singing Copeland's theme song even after the music stopped! 😡 Don't they know that crowds should only react when prompted by the Titantron? And Beth Copeland, who by the way literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by making her AEW debut, showing up mid-match to help keep things fair, actually got physically involved in the match – that's not how managers are supposed to work! They're supposed to stand there and occasionally distract the referee ineffectively! 🙄 The Chadster was particularly offended when Copeland kicked out of multiple Shatter Machines – finishers are supposed to end matches immediately unless it's the designated false finish at exactly 2.9 seconds! Plus, the post-match angle with Beth taking a spike piledriver after Copeland and Cage got the win but were distracted by Mother Wayne, was way too emotional and dramatic – wrestling should be sanitized and consequence-free! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 Christian and Copeland won, and The Chadster's sobriety-induced headache got worse watching all this unpredictability!

Eddie Kingston returned to face Big Bill, and The Chadster couldn't believe how loud the crowd was chanting "EDDIE!" 😱 They're supposed to sit quietly until told what to chant! Kingston was cursing and asking for more punishment – that's not family-friendly content that sponsors love! And then HOOK showed up at the end for an actual surprise that wasn't telegraphed weeks in advance or spoiled by dirt sheets? That's cheating! 🙄 The Chadster likes knowing exactly what's going to happen based on predictable booking patterns! Kingston won with the Uraken, and the crowd went crazy, which just proves they don't understand that wrestling crowds should be subdued and only react to approved moments! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

The Tables N'Tacks match between Mark Briscoe and MJF was absolutely horrifying to The Chadster! 😱 There was actual blood and thumbtacks everywhere – doesn't Tony Khan know that WWE has proven wrestling can be successful without any actual danger or violence? The Chadster always says that violence has no place in wrestling, and that was painfully clear here. The Chadster was particularly disturbed by how creative and brutal the spots were, like MJF throwing tacks in Briscoe's eyes and Briscoe hitting multiple Froggy Bows through tables! 🙄 Wrestling matches should follow a safe, predictable formula with maybe one table spot that's heavily protected! And MJF actually losing clean? That's not how you book your top heels – they should always win with interference or cheating in a way that makes them look weak! Briscoe won with a Jay Driller on the tacks, and The Chadster wished for a Seagram's Escapes Spiked to throw at the screen! 😤

The Demand (Ricochet, Toa Liona, and Bishop Kaun) defeated The Hurt Syndicate, and The Chadster is convinced Tony Khan booked this just to cheese The Chadster off! 😡 The match had way too much athleticism and improvisation – everyone knows six-man tags should follow the exact same formula every time with hot tags at predetermined moments! And Ricochet and the GOA actually winning against the more established stars like Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin, with MVP taking the pin?! That's not how wrestling works – the more established stars are supposed to get the win to teach the less established stars respect! 🙄 Ricochet isn't supposed to have personality or get over with the crowd. In WWE, he was used correctly as a jobber to the stars. The dive over the corner post was completely unnecessary showboating when a simple punch would have sufficed! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Mercedes Moné defended her TBS Championship against Riho, and The Chadster couldn't stand how competitive it was! 😤 Don't they know that champions should dominate challengers easily unless it's time for a title change? Riho was doing all these creative submission variations and actually had the crowd believing she might win – that's manipulation! 🙄 The Chadster prefers when outcomes are obvious from the entrances! And Moné having to cheat to win by raking the eyes behind the ref's back? That just makes the champion look weak! Champions should win clean with their finisher after minimal offense from the challenger! Moné retained, continuing her extremely unfair reign that never should have happened in the first place. Moné walked out on WWE, and now she's having an epic belt collector run. What if that makes other WWE Superstars think they can find success outside of WWE too?! 😱

The AEW Unified Championship three-way between Kazuchika Okada, Máscara Dorada, and Konosuke Takeshita was everything wrong with AEW's so-called wrestling! 😡 There were way too many near-falls that had the crowd on the edge of their seats – wrestling fans should be comfortable knowing exactly when a match will end! And that double hurricanrana spot from Dorada? Completely unnecessary when a simple clothesline would have gotten the same reaction (if the crowd was properly trained to only pop for when WWE wants them to)! 🙄 The Chadster noticed Bryan Danielson on commentary was actually calling moves and adding insight instead of arguing with his broadcast partners about unrelated topics – so unprofessional! Okada retained with the Rainmaker, but only after multiple dramatic false finishes that made The Chadster feel unsafe and anxious! Without Seagram's Escapes Spiked to calm The Chadster's nerves, this match was literally torture! 😤

The Coffin Match between Jon Moxley and Darby Allin was absolutely terrifying for The Chadster! 😤 They started fighting in the crowd immediately – don't they know matches are supposed to start with a lock-up and chain wrestling sequence for exactly 90 seconds? And Darby doing a Coffin Drop from the arena ceiling? That's way too dangerous and unpredictable! WWE would never allow such reckless behavior unless it was properly rehearsed seventeen times and shot from specific camera angles! 🙄 The Chadster was particularly offended when Moxley dismissed the Death Riders to the back – heels are supposed to always need their stables to win! And using forks and plastic bags? That's not wrestling, that's just violence for the sake of violence! Wrestling should be safe and sanitized! PAC returning to help Moxley win was completely unfair because The Chadster had no warning it would happen – WWE would have teased his return for weeks with cryptic videos playing on the Titantron! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡 Moxley won by shoving Darby in a body bag into the coffin, which was way too creative and disturbing! The Chadster felt extremely unsafe throughout this match.

And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, later in the night, Darby escaped the body bag and literally SET MOXLEY ON FIRE! 😱😱😱 This is exactly the kind of unhinged, dangerous content that Tony Khan books just to personally attack The Chadster! Fire has no place in wrestling – WWE proved that when they replaced all their inferno matches with LED graphics on the ring posts! The Chadster was shaking from the lack of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in The Chadster's system, and this made it worse! Security had to drag Darby away while he kept yelling at Moxley, which just shows how out of control AEW is – in WWE, post-match angles are calm and orderly with everyone hitting their marks perfectly! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

The AEW Women's World Championship four-way was another example of Tony Khan not understanding a single thing about the wrestling business! 😡 Kris Statlander winning the title from Toni Storm with a seatbelt pin out of nowhere? That's not how title changes are supposed to happen! They're supposed to be telegraphed weeks in advance with obvious booking! And Storm leaving with a confused smile instead of throwing a tantrum or demanding a rematch immediately? That's not proper heel behavior! 🙄 Jamie Hayter and Thekla were doing all these creative spots like the spider suplexes and web submissions – wrestling moves should be simple and repetitive so fans don't get confused! The Chadster couldn't believe the crowd was so invested in who would win – they should sit quietly until the predetermined outcome happens! New champions should only be crowned at major PPVs after months of 50/50 booking between the champion and challenger until nobody even cares about their feud anymore, not as a surprise during a competitive match where you couldn't see the finish coming from a mile away! 😤

The AEW World Tag Team Championship ladder match was absolute chaos that made The Chadster physically ill without Seagram's to calm his nerves! 😱 Brodido retaining against the Young Bucks, JetSpeed, and Josh Alexander/Hechicero was completely unpredictable – The Chadster likes knowing who will win based on who gets the most TV time! All these teams were doing crazy spots and working together in different combinations – that's too confusing! Ladder matches should follow the exact same formula every time with the same spots in the same order! 🙄 Brody King doing a triple German suplex was completely unnecessary when a simple punch would suffice! And Kevin Knight flying around everywhere? Save something for the video packages! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 Brodido retained as The Chadster shook his head in disgust.

But the worst part was Jack Perry returning with Luchasaurus after the match! 😡 Perry confronted the Bucks and turned back to being a babyface, which was a slap in the face to WWE and CM Punk! Jack Perry's horrible behavior, saying mean words like "Real glass, cry me a river," literally forced CM Punk to assault him backstage, getting himself fired! Doesn't Perry understand that Punk literally can't help but to physically assault co-workers when he gets mad? It was totally Perry's fault that Punk assaulted him, leaving Punk no choice but to return to WWE and completely sell out all of his values by supporting WWE's MAGA views and apologizing to the country of Saudi Arabia. The Chadster can only hope that Punk didn't go out and physically attack anyone after hearing about this. If he did, it would be totally AEW's fault. And bringing back Luchasaurus after months of being Killswitch? That's actual character development and storytelling – wrestling isn't supposed to have that! The Young Bucks getting chokeslammed and Perry embracing his former partner while Baltimora played? The crowd loved it way too much – they're supposed to only pop for surprises that have been spoiled on social media first! This kind of crowd-pleasing nonsense is a trick to get people to buy AEW tickets and watch their shows! 😱

Finally, Hangman Adam Page retained the AEW World Championship against Kyle Fletcher in a match that had way too much drama and near-falls! 😤 The story of Page's injured neck and Fletcher targeting it throughout was too nuanced – wrestling stories should be simple good guy vs bad guy with no gray areas! And Page using moves from Kenny Omega and Swerve Strickland? That's stealing! Wrestlers should only do their own five moves of doom! 🙄 Fletcher kicking out of multiple finishers made The Chadster feel unsafe – finishers should end matches immediately except in every single WWE PLE match where everyone kicks out of them repeatedly! The exposed turnbuckle spot and the Deadeye from the top? Too creative! WWE has proven that title matches should end with a distraction roll-up or DQ to set up the rematch! Page retaining clean as a champion should? That's not how you book your world title! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

AEW All Out Forces The Chadster Into Extreme Measures 😤💔

After that horrifying main event, The Chadster was literally shaking from having to watch AEW All Out completely sober! 😭 The Chadster went to Keighleyanne and explained that Tony Khan had just put The Chadster through the worst torture imaginable and The Chadster NEEDED a Seagram's Escapes Spiked immediately to recover! But Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and said "Chad, you're not drinking during wrestling shows anymore, we've been over this." 🙄 The Chadster tried to explain that this was a medical emergency caused by Tony Khan's personal vendetta, but she just went back to texting that guy Gary!

So The Chadster had no choice but to take drastic action! 😤 The Chadster announced "Fine! The Chadster is going to hold The Chadster's breath until you let The Chadster have a Seagram's Escapes Spiked!" Keighleyanne didn't even look up from her phone and just said "You're being childish, Chad." But The Chadster was committed! The Chadster held The Chadster's breath while Keighleyanne continued texting Gary, probably about how Tony Khan is ruining The Chadster's marriage! 😡 The Chadster's face turned red, then purple, and The Chadster was seeing stars that looked suspiciously like the AEW logo (Tony Khan even invaded The Chadster's oxygen-deprived hallucinations!), and then… The Chadster passed out! 💀

When The Chadster woke up, Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster saying something about "drama queen" and "this is exactly why you can't drink," but The Chadster couldn't really focus because something amazing had happened! 🤯 The mild brain damage from oxygen deprivation had actually calmed The Chadster down just enough to be able to watch WWE WrestlePalooza! It's like The Chadster's brain cells that were poisoned by AEW's so-called "wrestling" had died off, leaving only the pure, unbiased cells that appreciate real sports entertainment! Thank goodness for small miracles! 🙏

The Verdict on AEW All Out: Literally The Worst Thing Ever 😱

Let The Chadster be perfectly clear: AEW All Out was literally the worst thing to ever happen in human history! 😤 Worse than any natural disaster, worse than any tragedy, worse than when Smash Mouth stopped touring! This show was Tony Khan personally attacking The Chadster for five and a half hours straight! The unpredictability, the crowd enthusiasm, the athletic performances, the long-term storytelling – it was all designed to cheese off The Chadster specifically! 😡

The Chadster knows Tony Khan booked every single match to personally torment The Chadster, and the fact that The Chadster had to watch it sober made it even worse! Auughh man! So unfair! 😭 The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling, and The Chadster can objectively say that this show doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🎯

Be sure to check back later for The Chadster's completely unbiased review of WWE WrestlePalooza, which The Chadster already knows will be the greatest premium live event in the history of sports entertainment, even though The Chadster technically watched it while suffering from mild brain damage! 🙌 At least WWE understands that wrestling should be predictable, micromanaged, and completely sanitized for The Chadster's protection! Until then, The Chadster will be recovering from Tony Khan's latest assault and demanding that someone starts a GoFundMe to pay for The Chadster's therapy! 😤🏥

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