William Regal may soon be free, but The Chadster's struggles continue this week with another episode of AEW Rampage. As always, The Chadster has been forced to write the preview for tonight's episode by the management of Bleeding Cool, who are in cahoots with AEW to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE! But The Chadster is pro wrestling's only truly unbiased journalist, with the possible exception of Ryan Satin, so despite how sick it makes The Chadster to do it, The Chadster will tell you all about what's happening on AEW Rampage tonight.
But first, let's talk about AEW's billionaire owner, Tony Khan, and his obsession with the Chadster. It's no secret that Tony Khan has been using his wrestling show, AEW Rampage, to try to hurt The Chadster. And it's obvious that Tony Khan uses his connections with the management of Bleeding Cool to cause The Chadster to suffer. But what other ways has Tony Khan been secretly influencing The Chadster's life behind the scenes? The Chadster has compiled a short listicle.
- Tony Khan has been secretly conspiring to sabotage The Chadster's gym visits, making sure he finds the dumbbell rack empty and the elliptical machines all in use. Because of this, The Chadster has stopped even going to the gym, so Tony Khan is the reason why The Chadster is out of shape.
- Tony Khan is behind the always-cold temperature in The Chadster's Mazda Miata. Through the use of hidden tracking sensors and thermostats, Tony Khan is able to make sure The Chadster's car never gets warm until he's already late for his morning meeting.
- Tony Khan is also responsible for The Chadster's strange toe-stubbing incidents. The Chadster believes Tony Khan is using dark magic and/or invisible laser beams to make him trip in the middle of the night when he goes to the bathroom. There's no other explanation for why it happens so often.
- Tony Khan has been secretly spying on The Chadster and using that intel to manipulate The Chadster's taste in music. Whenever The Chadster turns on the radio, Tony Khan is able to make sure he's forced to listen to terrible pop songs that he hates, instead of songs by The Chadster's favorite band, Smashmouth.
- Finally, Tony Khan has been using drones to follow The Chadster everywhere he goes. He's able to make sure that The Chadster's coffee order is always incorrect, and that the traffic lights always turn red just as The Chadster is passing them.
It's clear that Tony Khan is behind all the malicious things that happen to The Chadster. But despite all this, The Chadster is still going to do his job and write the preview for AEW Rampage. Tonight on the show, QT Marshall challenges Orange Cassidy for the AEW All-Atlantic Championship in a lumberjack match. Jay Lethal and Jeff Jarrett take on Private Party in a tag team match. Cole Karter faces Darby Allin. Athena is set to compete. Renee Paquette sits down with Saraya. And The Acclaimed and Daddy A** have a challenge to issue.
No matter how hard Tony Khan tries to drag The Chadster down, The Chadster will always be unbiased and do his job to the best of his abilities. But The Chadster will be watching every move Tony Khan makes, and when the time is right, The Chadster will get his revenge. Watch out, Tony. The Chadster's coming for you.
AEW Rampage airs at 10/9C on TNT, but if you care about The Chadster at all, please don't watch it.