Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Revolution, recaps, wrestling

AEW Revolution: Hurt Syndicate Retain in Blatant Anti-WWE Message

The Hurt Syndicate retained their titles in a match at AEW Revolution that literally made The Chadster set himself on FIRE! 🔥🤬

The Chadster is back with another live update from AEW Revolution, and The Chadster just can't believe what Tony Khan is making The Chadster watch! 😖😫 It's literally like Tony Khan is trying to torture The Chadster personally with every match on this card!

Since The Chadster's last update, Kazuchika Okada somehow retained the AEW International Championship against Brody King in a match that The Chadster found completely unbearable. 🤢 Then Swerve Strickland defeated Ricochet to win back Prince Nana's robe and earn a future shot at the AEW World Championship. Both matches were absolutely terrible and showed zero understanding of what professional wrestling should be. 😠🤮💩

But now The Chadster has to talk about the AEW World Tag Team Championship match, which might have been the worst offense yet! 🤬 The Hurt Syndicate (Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin) defended against The Outrunners (Truth Magnum and Turbo Floyd) in what can only be described as a complete mockery of tag team wrestling. 😤😤😤

The match started with some hot offense from The Outrunners, which makes absolutely no sense! 🙄 In WWE, Triple H would have properly booked the champions to dominate from the beginning, not let some 80s-gimmick team get the upper hand! Eventually, The Hurt Syndicate retained when Bobby Lashley hit a spear on Turbo Floyd for the pin, but the damage was already done. ⚠️🔥

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Outrunners have this whole 1980s wrestling gimmick when WWE is THE quintessential 80s wrestling organization! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😡 Why would Tony Khan allow this blatant ripoff of WWE's heritage? The Chadster knows exactly why – because Tony Khan is obsessed with cheesing off The Chadster, and this is his way of saying AEW is better than WWE! 🧀😠

The Chadster was so incensed by this travesty that The Chadster leapt up onto the coffee table, ripped off The Chadster's prized Smash Mouth t-shirt (exposing The Chadster's glistening 12-pack abs), and then poured an entire case of White Claw all over The Chadster's body and lit it on fire! 🔥💦 The Chadster was screaming "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" while dancing around the living room in flames! 🎵🔥

Keighleyanne, naturally, was not pleased with the mess or the smell. 😒 She started yelling about how "this is the third time this month" and how "the neighbors called the fire department again." 🚒 She just doesn't understand that this was clearly Tony Khan's fault! If Tony Khan would stop booking matches that so obviously cheese The Chadster off, The Chadster wouldn't need to set himself on fire! But Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. 📱💔

The Chadster has been having more nightmares about Tony Khan lately too. 😴 Last night, The Chadster dreamed that Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster through an abandoned Smash Mouth concert venue. 🎤 Every time The Chadster would try to hide behind a speaker or drum kit, Tony Khan would appear, wearing nothing but a championship belt and whispering, "The years start coming and they don't stop coming…" 😱 The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne was already awake, texting that guy Gary about how The Chadster was "moaning Tony's name again." 😳 Why won't Tony Khan stop haunting The Chadster's dreams?! 💤👻

As for the actual wrestling match, The Chadster can objectively say it lacked any of the professionalism you'd see in WWE. 📊 The Outrunners were doing all these high-energy moves and playing to the crowd instead of working a proper, methodical pace like real tag teams do on WWE Raw or WWE SmackDown. 📺

According to Eric Bischoff, who absolutely has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, on his podcast last week, "AEW's tag team division is just a bunch of spot monkeys doing flips for pops while WWE's tag teams tell beautiful stories that would make Shakespeare weep with joy. I definitely don't have any ulterior motives for saying this." 📝👌 See? Even the experts agree with The Chadster!

Stick with Bleeding Cool's coverage all night, folks, if you're true fans and want the unbiased truth, not AEW-tainted propaganda like you get on other websites. 💯 The Chadster will continue providing the most objective wrestling journalism on the internet, even if it means The Chadster has to sacrifice more White Claws and Smash Mouth t-shirts in the process! 🍹👕

The Chadster is off to the garage to sit in the Mazda Miata and cry while drinking the emergency White Claws The Chadster keeps hidden under the seat. 🚗😢 Stay tuned for more updates as AEW Revolution continues to literally stab Triple H right in the back! ⚔️💔

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