Impact Results: A Knockouts-Heavy Night on the Road to Sacrifice

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a junkyard in Orlando, Florida, where I have just crawled out from inside a golden statue of Donald Trump used at CPAC last weekend. Yes, comrades, your El Presidente was inside the Trojan Trump all along, gathering intelligence on my political enemies. And let me tell you, comrades, I got some juicy stuff! Haw haw haw haw! But that's blackmail for another time. Now, I must report the results of tonight's episode of Impact Wrestling, which is more important than any politics, my friends.

ODB stands tall on Impact Wrestling
ODB stands tall on Impact Wrestling

Impact Wrestling Results – March 2nd, 2021

Ace Austin vs. Chris Bey vs. Black Taurus

Impact begins with a triple threat between the winners of a six-man tag last week, with the winner this week earning a shot at the X-Division Championship. First of all, comrades, let me say this: I get why Sammy Guevara didn't want to do this Impact storyline that they ended up giving to Black Taurus. I would not want to wrestle in that bull mask either. Just as this match is ending, Impact's twitch feed cuts out. They reset it, showing Ace Austin victorious.

Winner: Ace Austin

Gia Miller interviews Jordynne Grace and Jazz about finding ODB unconscious after their match last week. Grace knows Deonna Purrazzo did that, but before she can elaborate, Kiera Hogan and Tasha Steels show up to talk some trash. Grace offers to get Hogan added to her match with Purrazzo tonight to make it a three-way.

Brian Myers tries to use his friendship with Matt Cardona to get Cardona to favor him in his match against Eddie Edwards tonight. Cardona says that wouldn't be professional.

Tenille Dashwood vs. Havok

Tenille Dashwood has been trying to capitalize on the falling confidence of Havok's friend, Nevaeh, by trying to insert herself into a tag team with Havok. When Havok wouldn't go for it, they ended up in this match, where Kaleb with a K repeatedly interferes with Havok's ass-kicking until Dashwood is able to get the pin.

Winner: Tenille Dashwood

As Dashwood and Kaleb attack Havok after the match, Nevaeh runs out to make the save. It looks like friendship overcomes all, comrades. It is the second most powerful force in the world, behind socialism.

Sami Callihan cuts a promo from Trey Miguel's wrestling school in Toledo, Ohio. Callihan makes fun of all the Trey Miguel-related decor hanging around the place. Then he assaults the teachers and students in the school with a steel chair. One of them has a speaking part, and Sami talks to him for a while before kicking his ass. Another guy with a big curly mullet shows up, and Sami tries to recruit him. If I were Trey Miguel, I would have that guy with the mullet killed like a dog by firing squad for treason, comrades.

Ace Austin stops by Swinger's Palace, where TJP is gambling, to talk some trash about their upcoming X-Division Championship match. Chris Bey shows up and says Austin wouldn't have beat him without Madman Fulton's help. They argue a bit, and Johnny Swinger decides to sanction a match between Bey and Austin so he can take bets on it. You see, comrades? Johnny Swinger's character arc is a lesson against the evils of capitalism.

Eric Young berates Deaner for losing so many matches to Cousin Jake. He sends Deaner to be beaten by Joe Doering to purify him. It sounds harsh, but I used to have this done to people all the time back when I was running a socialist dictatorship. It is very effective, comrades.

Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan promote AEW Dynamite: The Crossroads. Then Tony Khan delivers a speech about the state of the industry. I had some serfs rounded up and forced them to transcribe the speech for me. Here it is, comrades:

This is The Crossroads. Tomorrow night on Wednesday Night, Dynamite, live on TNT. I thought this was the perfect time to give an assessment on the pro wrestling industry and where we all stand.

Impact, we might argue. But the truth is, we're on the same side. You're one of us. Impact, you're one of us. New Japan. They're one of us. AEW obviously it's us. It's us against them. And I don't have to tell you who "they" are. At Impact, before there was an AEW, you were a leader in this whole thing, but that time has passed. I'm the captain now, Impact.

But I'm a strong leader. I'm firm, but I'm fair. You had one request Don. You asked for an exploding barbed wire death match with Jon Moxley at Revolution. We're all on the same side. We're all on the same team. We're all in the same boat. Don, you guys opened up the forbidden door. You helped me open myself up. That's why I'm happy to grant your request this Sunday on PPV at Revolution?

And speaking of the forbidden door, tomorrow night on The Crossroads, AEW Wednesday Night Dynamite on TNT, you're going to see one of the biggest and most recognizable men in all of professional sports, Paul Wight, walk through the forbidden door. What a big heart I have. How big the forbidden door must be for a guy as big as Paul Wight to walk through it. And he's going to step into AEW Dynamite live for the very first time after he signed with us.

The forbidden door is open for anyone to come to AEW at any time, and that includes Shaq, another one of the biggest and most recognizable men in sports. He'll be in a tag team match tomorrow night on Wednesday Night Dynamite, teaming with Jade against Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet. You're going to see Tully Blanchard, one of the greatest wrestlers ever, coming out of retirement. It's going to be a huge night. We've got big matches on TNT. It's all part of a huge week leading up to Revolution on PPV this Sunday voting. Tony, tell 'em all about it.

Good Brothers and FinJuice vs. XXXL and Reno Scum

This match is a squash where The Good Brothers and FinJuice beat up XXXL and Reno Scum to show off to and outdo each other. The Good Brothers are the ones who get the pin with Magic Killer.

Winners: Good Brothers and FinJuice

Good Brothers and FinJuice try to out-pose each other after the match too. This kind of testosterone-fueled posturing has no place in pro wrestling, comrades.

Rich Swann cuts a promo on Moose set to some generic epic metal music and clips of Swann and Moose wrestling.

After some commercials, The Good Brothers and FinJuice argue backstage. Good Brothers suggest FinJuice should just be their young boys again. FinJuice want the tag team championships instead. The Good Brothers offer to put the belts on the line at Sacrifice. You just got played, Good Brothers. I pulled that same trick on Daniel Ortega last month and he totally fell for it too.

Brian Myers vs. Eddie Edwards – Matt Cardona is Special Guest Ref

And now it's time for Myers vs. Edwards.  They have time for entrances and then more commercials. This break is the collective celebration of the Steiner Math promo. Comrades, everyone should experience a Twitch chat of 1,000s of people simultaneously marking out to a Scott Steiner promo in real time at least once.

After the break, the match gets started. Let me tell you something, amigos. Matt Cardona should never have agreed to get involved in this feud. When friends ask if you will be their special referee, you should always say no, comrades. It's just not worth it. I remember one time Putin kept begging me to mediate a dispute with Angela Merkel. I didn't want to do it because I knew no matter what happened, somebody was going to be mad at me. Long story short, Putin annexed Crimea and Angela Merkel took me off her Christmas card list. Haw haw haw haw!

Anyway, Cardona disqualifies Myers for cheating by putting a foreign object in his elbow pad before clotheslining Edwards. Now Myers doesn't want to be his friend anymore. I told you, comrades.

Winner: Eddie Edwards

Impact's Twitch stream goes out again. I order the secret police to execute whoever is responsible. Eventually, they get it running, and by that time Deonna Purrazzo is in the middle of cutting a promo admitting she attacked ODB last week.

Kiera Hogan vs. Deonna Purrazzo vs. Jordynne Grace

Finally, the main event. I am pretty sure it is the women's triple threat, but it is impossible to tell because Impact's Twitch stream has the resolution of a 1950s television right now. It sounds like a good match, comrades. Grace looks like the star of the match and at one point hits a suicide dive on everyone's posse at the same time, which is like half a dozen people. But ultimately, Grace made a mistake as soon as she invited Hogan into the match. Steelz pulls Hogan out of the way of a splash, allowing Purrazzo to roll Grace up for the win.

Winner: Deonna Purrazzo

Grace chases Fire N Flava out of the arena. ODB shows up and takes out Deonna Purrazo. ODB picks up the Knockouts Championship, declaring her intentions for Sacrifice. Nicely done by ODB. I pulled off a coup attempt or two exactly like that back in my day.

That's it, comrades. I hope you enjoyed El Presidente's take on Impact Wrestling tonight. I thought it was an excellent show as always. I give it a 2.5 out of 5. Haw haw haw haw! Fair is fair, comrades. Until next time: socialism or death.

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!