Jersey Shore: Family Vacation S05E05: Baptisms, Pet Psychics & More

Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, bringing you a recap of the latest episode of my once-favorite reality TV show, MTV's Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. Yes, it's true, my patience with the show's lack of juicy drama and reprehensible, self-destructive behavior wears thin, and this week's episode, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Season 5 Episode 5 "Two Baptisms and a Pet Psychic" did nothing to improve my mood. Most of the episode focused on the insipid forced drama of The Situation's desire to have a second baptism, and his decision to choose Pauly D, and not Vinny, to be his new godfather. Only in Angelina's quickly disintegrating marriage does this season of Jersey Shore find any redemption. Thank you, Angelina, for allowing your life to fall apart in episodic weekly television. It is much appreciated. Haw haw haw haw!

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation
Angelina reacts to a pet psychic telling her dog wants her to divorce Chris on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation

As far as Mike's baptism goes, the less than stellar storyline goes like this: Mike and Lauren's new baby, Romeo, needs to be baptized, but the church won't do it unless Mike can produce his own sacrament records, which he conveniently doesn't have. As a result, the only way Baby Romeo can get baptized is for Mike to do it all over. Comrades, I have no idea whether this is really how it works. I had all religion banned in my country years ago and all of the priests were executed. El Presidente is the only one who shall be worshipped around here!

Since a baptism requires godparents, Mike needed to choose a godfather. He picked Pauly D because he has the most money and because Jersey Shore: Family Vacation doesn't have any good storylines left, Vinny pretended to be upset about it. Because such an exciting storyline cannot be confined to a single episode, that story was left on a cliffhanger after Pauly "hired" a choir to sing at the baptism, which is also known as "The Blessification."

The best part of the episode by far was when the girls visited Angelina's house along with a pet psychic. That's not a psychic who's a pet — I had one of those once, comrades, and it isn't as fun as it sounds — but a psychic who talks to pets. Apparently, Angelina's pets hate her husband and they think he's cheating on her. So as the countdown (now at 22 days) looms for Angelina to decide whether to divorce Chris (which is how real people actually handle divorces), it looks like that marriage is totally doomed!

And so is Jersey Shore: Family Vacation if something exciting doesn't happen this season, so Angelina better get divorced or they're in trouble. The roommates are all counting on you, Angelina!

Until next time, comrades: socialism or death!

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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