Posted in: NBA, Sports, TV | Tagged: espn, marvel, nba, wastes of money, wastes of time

Marvel, ESPN to George Lucas the NBA's Warriors vs. Pelicans Game

Published Fri, 23 Apr 2021 15:37:11 -0500

Marvel Comics, ESPN, and the NBA are planning to "Space Jam" the upcoming game between The Warriors and The Pelicans in an "NBA Special Edition" alternate presentation. From a press release sent out by Marvel:

ESPN and Marvel announced a groundbreaking collaboration today to launch the first-ever Marvel-inspired alternate presentation for the Golden State Warriors vs. New Orleans Pelicans game on Monday, May 3. The exclusive alternate presentation, NBA Special Edition Presented by State Farm: Marvel's Arena of Heroes, will start at 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN2, ESPN+ and ESPN Deportes with the traditional game telecast on ESPN. This marks ESPN's second live NBA game on ESPN+.

WTF is this s**t? Some kind of useless collaboration between Marvel and ESPN, apparently.

That's right, like George Lucas did with the Star Wars movies, Marvel and ESPN will unnecessarily add in ridiculous amounts of CGI and even a completely new backstory to the basketball game. Observe:

The latest development in Marvel and ESPN's long history of sports content collaboration, the telecast will integrate elements from an original Marvel story and iconic characters including Iron Man, Black Panther, Captain Marvel, Captain America, Black Widow, and Doctor Strange throughout the live game, including 3D virtual characters, custom graphics and animation packages.

After a narrow victory over an invading alien army, the Avengers receive an ominous threat from the enemy who vows to return in greater numbers and force. The Black Panther and Iron Man quickly realize they will need more help and form a plan to expand their ranks to fight this impending threat. Recognizing the superior physical abilities, agility, and tenacity of Earth's greatest athletes, the Avengers will hold a series of contests where the winners earn the right to train and fight alongside them as Marvel's Champions! The Avengers will begin their recruitment with the NBA elite and observe the battle between the Warriors and the Pelicans, focusing on three star players from each team.

Golden State Warriors:

Stephen Curry, three-time NBA Champion and two-time NBA MVP;
Draymond Green, three-time NBA Champion;
Andrew Wiggins, 2014-15 NBA Rookie of the Year.

New Orleans Pelicans:

Zion Williamson, 2019 NBA Draft top pick;
Brandon Ingram, 2019-20 NBA Most Improved Player;
Lonzo Ball, 2017-18 NBA All-Rookie Second Team.

Fans will be able to follow along as these athletes are put to the test, gaining Marvel Hero Points for their achievements and performance during the game. The player with the most Marvel Hero Points on the winning team will be crowned as Marvel's first Champion following the NBA Special Edition Presented by State Farm: Marvel's Arena of Heroes.

Scoring system:

One Marvel Hero Point will be awarded for every point, rebound, assist, steal and block;
One Marvel Hero Point will be deducted for every missed field goal, free throw or turnover.

ESPN commentators Ryan Ruocco and Richard Jefferson will provide commentary in a fully customized Marvel-themed studio at ESPN's Bristol, Conn. campus. Additionally, the special presentation will include commentary and analysis from Marvel expert Angélique Roché.

Yeah. That's a real thing they're doing, for some reason. Who is this for? Does anyone actually want this? How much money will it cost to make this happen? No one knows the answer to those questions, so… wait a minute, I am being told that everyone knows the answers to those questions and that the answers are: "no one," "no," and "way too god damn much." Well, glad that's settled.

If you have a lot of free time on your hands, or if you've been severely brain-damaged by a piece of frozen poop falling out of an airplane or something, then be sure to tune into this abomination on 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN2, ESPN+ and ESPN Deportes on May 3rd. The regular game, without any of this nonsense, will be broadcast on regular ESPN.