Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Un-re-fractured Bloodline Re-re-fracturing Again?!

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from Paris! Jacob Fatu defies The Usos, Je'Von Evans advances, and Chad Gable's redemption tour continues. Viva la lucha libre!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a golden throne I "borrowed" from the Palace of Versailles, and let me tell you, the French authorities are not happy about it. But never mind that, because last night's episode of WWE Monday Night Raw from Paris was magnifique! The show aired live on Netflix with a special early start time for us Americans, which meant I had to cancel my weekly chess game with Kim Jong-un. He was not pleased, but I told him, "Comrade, WWE Raw waits for no dictator!"

The Accor Arena was hotter than the time Fidel Castro and I got locked in a sauna with Dennis Rodman for three hours. The King and Queen of the Ring tournaments continued, and let me tell you, the bourgeoisie running WWE may be capitalist pigs, but they know how to book a tournament that keeps the proletariat entertained!

Oba Femi Sends Judgment Day Running Like CIA Agents After I Nationalized Their Banana Plantations

Oba Femi opened WWE Raw by talking about his unfinished business with Brock Lesnar, which is interesting because I also have unfinished business with Lesnar – he still owes me fifty dollars from a poker game in 2019. But before Oba could finish his promo, Dominik Mysterio interrupted, trying to act tough. Comrades, this was like watching a chihuahua challenge a grizzly bear.

JD McDonagh snuck in with a chair shot, but Oba barely noticed it. He punched the chair back into JD's face and sent both Judgment Day members running faster than Triple H runs from the idea of paying wrestlers healthcare benefits. Oba promised to "introduce" Dominik to his daddy Rey Mysterio next week, which sounds like the kind of family therapy session that ends with someone going through a table.

Liv Morgan's Birthday Victory: A Triumph of the Working Class Wrestler

The Queen of the Ring first-round Fatal 4-Way featured Liv Morgan, Alexa Bliss, Becky Lynch, and Chelsea Green, and it was more chaotic than the time I tried to organize a summit between Maduro, Ortega, and the cast of Jersey Shore. Everyone was hitting everyone with everything – finishers flying around like CIA drones over my summer palace.

Liv Morgan stole the victory by rolling up Chelsea Green after Green hit the Unprettier on Becky Lynch. Comrades, this is what we call seizing the means of production! Liv took advantage of her opponents' labor and claimed the prize for herself. It was also her birthday, because WWE loves their little calendar coincidences more than I love my pet capybara Esteban. Speaking of which, Esteban insists I mention he also had a birthday this week and received a diamond-encrusted water bowl. He is very spoiled.

Chad Gable's Apology Tour: Better Than My Apology Tour After the Incident with the Pope

Backstage on WWE Raw, Chad Gable continued his redemption arc by apologizing to Penta for his previous disrespect of lucha libre. This was very touching, comrades. It reminds me of the time I had to apologize to Putin for accidentally setting his yacht on fire during a particularly enthusiastic fireworks display. Penta told Gable he knew who else he needed to talk to, which led to Gable approaching Rey Mysterio and Dragon Lee.

Rey accepted the apology but warned Gable he had more to reflect on, which is good advice. Self-reflection is important! I engage in it every morning while Esteban and I enjoy our breakfast of imported Belgian waffles and the tears of my enemies.

Jacob Fatu Refuses Orders: A Workers' Revolution in the Bloodline!

Comrades, this segment made El Presidente's socialist heart sing! Seth Rollins was confronted backstage by The Usos and Jacob Fatu. Jey Uso ordered Fatu to attack Seth, but Fatu refused! He walked away, making it clear he acknowledges Roman Reigns as Tribal Chief, not The Usos.

This is exactly what I have been preaching! Workers must not answer to bourgeois capitalist puppets! Fatu understands that power flows from the top, and The Usos trying to boss him around is like Nick Khan trying to tell me how to run my country – it will not happen, comrade! The tension in the Bloodline is thicker than the cigar smoke in my war room.

Sol Ruca Retains: The People's Champion Keeps Her Gold

Sol Ruca defended her Women's Intercontinental Championship against Lyra Valkyria in a match that showcased both women's skills. Lyra worked technical offense while Sol used her athleticism to survive and counter. The finish saw Sol hit the Sol Snatcher after catching Lyra in the ropes.

This was Sol's first successful title defense, which is always important. I remember my first successful defense of my presidential palace against a coup attempt – very similar energy, though with fewer reverse Boston crabs and more anti-aircraft missiles.

LA Knight and Jey Uso: Heated Words Like My Arguments with the International Court

LA Knight came out on WWE Raw to talk about the Bloodline, and Jey Uso didn't appreciate it. They had a verbal confrontation that got heated until Jimmy Uso came out to hold Jey back. Comrades, this was like watching someone try to hold back a volcano – entertaining but ultimately futile.

Knight told Jey he respected loyalty but essentially said "screw your whole family," which is bold. The last time someone talked about my family like that, they ended up teaching English in Siberia. Just kidding! Or am I?

Penta vs. Rey Mysterio: A Lucha Libre Dream Match for the Proletariat

The Intercontinental Championship match between Penta and Rey Mysterio was everything a true wrestling fan could want. These two lucha legends flew around the ring like my private jets dodging sanctions. Rey hit a 619 and Drop the Dime for a near-fall that had the Paris crowd on their feet.

But Penta retained after hitting a Mexican Destroyer following Rey's missed splash attempt. A clean finish! No capitalist shenanigans! This is how wrestling should be – pure athletic competition decided by skill, not corporate interference from the bourgeoisie running the show.

Post-Match Chaos: Gable's Redemption Gets Physical

After the match on WWE Raw, Ethan Page and Rusev attacked Penta and Rey Mysterio. Dragon Lee tried to help but was overwhelmed. Then Rusev committed the ultimate sin – he ripped off Rey's mask! Comrades, this is like stealing the flag of a sovereign nation! This is a war crime!

But Chad Gable ran out and suplexed both heels to make the save, helping protect Rey's identity. The luchadors were cautious but grateful. Gable's redemption arc is progressing nicely, like my own redemption arc after the international community found out about my secret nuclear program. Wait, I was not supposed to mention that.

Je'Von Evans Advances Thanks to The Vision's Interference

The main event of WWE Raw was a King of the Ring first-round Fatal 4-Way featuring Seth Rollins, Ricky Saints, Talla Tonga, and Je'Von Evans. Seth appeared to have the match won after hitting Stomps on multiple opponents, but then The Vision struck!

Austin Theory pulled the referee out during Seth's pin attempt. Montez Ford attacked Theory. Then Bron Breakker hit a Spear on Rollins that could have split him in half like the Berlin Wall. Je'Von Evans capitalized by hitting the OG Cutter on Saints to advance in the tournament.

Comrades, this is the perfect example of how the capitalist system pits workers against each other! Seth Rollins and The Vision should unite against their common enemy – the WWE corporate structure! But instead they fight each other while Nick Khan laughs all the way to the bank. This is why we need a wrestlers' union, comrades!

El Presidente's Final Thoughts

Last night's WWE Raw from Paris delivered excitement, drama, and enough storyline progression to fill one of my secret offshore bank accounts. The King and Queen of the Ring tournaments are heating up, the Bloodline tension continues to simmer like my famous revolution stew, and Chad Gable's redemption arc is more compelling than my alibi for that time the CIA blamed me for the thing with the penguins.

Now if you'll excuse me, comrades, I must return this throne to Versailles before the gendarmes find me. Esteban has already eaten half the upholstery anyway.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! And viva WWE Raw!

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