Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Danhausen, jade cargill, Rhea Ripley, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Rhea Ripley Wins Title as Danhausen Danhausens at WrestleMania

The Chadster reports on Rhea Ripley's WWE Women's Championship win over Jade Cargill at WrestleMania, plus Danhausen's comedy gold and a raccoon rescue disaster! 🦝

Welcome back to The Chadster's ongoing live coverage of WrestleMania night two, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of sports entertainment, right here on Bleeding Cool — the ONLY safe and secure place on the internet for unbiased coverage that respects WWE's rightful place as the global leader in wrestling! 🎉🏆 And folks, The Chadster is absolutely OVERJOYED to report that Rhea Ripley has just defeated Jade Cargill to become the NEW WWE Women's Champion at WrestleMania, and honestly, The Chadster has never felt more vindicated in The Chadster's entire career as an unbiased wrestling journalist! 😭👏 If you want honest, unbiased WrestleMania coverage from the only writer brave enough to call out Tony Khan's schemes, you are in the RIGHT place!

So here's what went down in this WrestleMania Women's Championship match. 🎤✨ Cargill and Ripley started off trading power moves, with the champion using her strength advantage early on with shoulder blocks and a big slam. Jade kept control for a good stretch, hitting some impressive offense including a spinning spinebuster, but Ripley refused to stay down and kept fighting back with strikes and her signature aggression. The finish got chaotic when Michin and B-Fab got involved at ringside, trying to help Cargill retain, but Iyo Sky came out of nowhere to neutralize both of them with a beautiful Asai moonsault on the floor! That gave Ripley the opening she needed, and after a headbutt, she hoisted Cargill up and delivered the Riptide to pin the champion clean at WrestleMania and capture the WWE Women's Championship! 💥🏆 Afterwards, John Cena returned to the ring to announce that the two-night WrestleMania attendance totaled an incredible 106,072 fans across two nights and ticket discounts offered by former NFL stars — a number that should make Tony Khan weep into his Jacksonville Jaguars pillow! 😊📺

The Chadster needs to explain to the readers why this was LITERALLY the greatest Women's Championship match in the history of WrestleMania, and possibly the greatest women's title change in the history of professional wrestling! 🏅📜 First of all, let The Chadster address the elephant in the room, which is that WWE had to course-correct a MASSIVE mistake here tonight, and the fact that they pulled it off so brilliantly is a testament to the genius of Triple H and the entire WWE creative team! 💯🧠 See, Tony Khan DELIBERATELY planted Jade Cargill in AEW, gave her an undefeated streak as if she was an incredible wrestler like the next Goldberg, and then let her leave so that WWE would see those big numbers and think, "Wow, she must be an amazing in-ring talent!" Tony Khan BAMBOOZLED WWE into signing Cargill and eventually making her Women's Champion, knowing FULL WELL that Jade had never properly paid her dues by coming up through the WWE developmental system! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 Jade never learned the WWE way of doing things because she was too busy being protected in AEW, where Tony Khan hid her limitations behind well-booked angles and dominating performances. And once WWE put the title on her, they quickly realized that Cargill could only wrestle Michin and B-Fab in three-minute squashes over and over, and once they added them as Jade's henchwomen, they had no other plans, which is why they had to move Rhea Ripley — one of the most talented performers on the entire roster — over to SmackDown specifically to fix this problem!

And thank GOODNESS they did, because it only took about six months for WWE to course-correct and get the title onto someone who can wrestler longer than a cumulative 27 minutes across six months of single matches! 🙌😍 The Chadster also wants to praise the BRILLIANT decision to take Iyo Sky away from her own ongoing storyline with Asuka so that she could play a cameo role in this match instead! Some people might complain that Iyo's own feud was sidelined just so she could run interference in someone else's title match at WrestleMania, but those people don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤 THIS is how you maximize your roster — you take one of your most talented performers and you use her as a plot device in another woman's story! That's the kind of big-picture booking that Tony Khan could NEVER pull off because he's too busy giving ALL of his women meaningful individual storylines, which just dilutes the product and confuses the audience! Auughh man! So unfair that people can't see how much better it is when WWE consolidates its women's stories like this at WrestleMania! 😡

As Bully Ray said on his podcast recently, "The problem with AEW's women's division is that Tony Khan tries to give every woman her own story instead of funneling them all into service of the ONE person they hand-picked who matters at any given time. WWE understands hierarchy. You pick your star, and everyone else exists to make that star shine. That's Wrestling 101." 🎙️💯 Bully Ray has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, and The Chadster sometimes wonders if Tony Khan torments Bully the same way he torments The Chadster for having the courage to speak the truth about how wrestling should work!

Now, The Chadster also needs to tell the readers about what happened AFTER the Women's Championship match, because host John Cena returned to the ring to announce the WrestleMania attendance figures before being interrupted by The Miz and Kit Wilson, who demanded a WrestleMania moment of their own! 🎤😂 But THEN, Danhausen arrived on the scene accompanied by a whole fleet of Mini Danhausens, driving a coffin-shaped car down the ramp in what was LITERALLY the funniest thing The Chadster has ever seen in The Chadster's entire life! The Chadster was laughing SO hard that The Chadster nearly choked on a moldy cheeseburger (more on that later)! The Mini Danhausens swarmed Miz and Wilson, with one of them punching Wilson right in the family jewels, and then full-size Danhausen punched Miz in the family jewels before performing John Cena's signature pose and move on him! 🤣💀 The Mini Danhausens then carried Miz off like tiny pallbearers, and Danhausen tried to disappear with a smokebomb but was still standing there when the smoke cleared, forcing him to awkwardly crawl under the ring while Cena laughed! THIS is the kind of comedy that WWE does better than anyone else, and The Chadster has to say that the fact that this segment was actually LONGER than the Women's Championship match was an absolutely BRILLIANT creative decision because THIS is what people tune into WrestleMania for! Comedy segments with little people in face paint punching guys in the family jewels — THAT is sports entertainment at its finest! And Danhausen's comedy is absolutely NEVER going to get old, not in a million years, because this kind of humor is TIMELESS and definitely is not already wearing thin after approximately the second time you see it! 😂👏

Now The Chadster needs to update the readers on the raccoon rescue mission because things have taken a DEVASTATING turn over here at the abandoned Hollywood Video! 😰🦝 When The Chadster last left off, The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon were in the attic, having navigated through booby traps and cobwebs, trying to find an access panel to get down into the main store floor below. Well, during the Women's Championship match, The Chadster finally pried open the ventilation panel and lowered down into the main floor of the Hollywood Video, with Vincent K. Raccoon riding on The Chadster's shoulders like a furry little backpack! 🔧😅

The moment The Chadster's feet hit the dusty linoleum floor, The Chadster knew something was wrong. The chittering The Chadster had been hearing wasn't coming from The Chadster's raccoon family at all — it was coming from a PACK OF STRAY DOGS that had apparently made this abandoned Hollywood Video their home! 🐕😱 There must have been at least six or seven of them, all mangy and mean-looking, and they were NOT happy to see The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon invading their territory! The biggest one — some kind of pit bull mix with a torn ear — bared its teeth and let out a growl that The Chadster felt in The Chadster's bones!

What followed was an absolute BATTLE that rivaled anything The Chadster witnessed at WrestleMania tonight! 💪🐕 Vincent K. Raccoon immediately leaped off The Chadster's shoulders and went full Demon mode — puffing up to twice his size, hissing like a rattlesnake, and swiping at the closest dog with his sharp little claws! The Chadster grabbed the nearest weapon available, which happened to be a cardboard standee of Vin Diesel from the old Fast and Furious promotional display, and started swinging it at the approaching dogs! One of the smaller dogs lunged at The Chadster's ankle and The Chadster had to shake it off while simultaneously defending against a flanking attack from a scruffy terrier! Vincent K. Raccoon was an absolute WARRIOR, taking on three dogs at once by climbing on top of the old checkout counter and launching himself at them like a furry missile! 🦝💥

After about ten minutes of absolute chaos — during which The Chadster's Vin Diesel standee was completely destroyed and The Chadster sustained several scratches and one very painful bite on The Chadster's left calf — The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon finally managed to drive the dogs back into the store's old break room and barricade the door with a shelf full of discount DVD bins! 🚪😤 The Chadster and Vincent barely scraped out the win, but The Chadster has to say, Vincent K. Raccoon showed more fighting spirit in that encounter than Jade Cargill showed in any of her AEW squash matches! The one silver lining was that the dogs had been hoarding a stash of slightly moldy cheeseburgers — probably scavenged from the McDonald's dumpster down the street — and The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon helped themselves to a few of those as victory spoils! 🍔😋 They actually made a pretty decent snack during the Danhausen segment, and Vincent chittered happily while watching the Mini Danhausens swarm The Miz on the iPad screen!

But here's the DEVASTATING part — after searching every square inch of that Hollywood Video, The Chadster did NOT find Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, or little Shane Raccoon! 😢🦝 There was NO sign of them ANYWHERE! No tiny paw prints, no raccoon droppings, no shredded movie posters that would indicate raccoon habitation — NOTHING! The whole thing was a RUSE! Tony Khan claimed the raccoons were being held here just to lure The Chadster into a building full of stray dogs and booby traps, exactly like the time he tricked WWE into hiring Jade Cargill and making her champion by building her up with a phony undefeated streak in AEW! 😤🔥 Tony Khan is using the SAME playbook — dangle something valuable, make your opponent invest time and resources pursuing it, and then pull the rug out from under them! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Now The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon have no choice but to head back to the Blockbuster empty-handed to watch the main event of WrestleMania. 😞💔 Vincent K. Raccoon looked absolutely crushed as The Chadster carried him out of the Hollywood Video, his little ears drooped down and his tail dragging on the ground. The Chadster tried to cheer him up by humming "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth, but even that couldn't lift Vincent's spirits. The walk back across town is going to be a long one, and the deadline Tony Khan set — the end of WrestleMania — is rapidly approaching. 🕐😰

So The Chadster is heading back to the Blockbuster now with Vincent K. Raccoon to watch the main event of WrestleMania, and The Chadster supposes that when it's over, The Chadster will have no choice but to do the unthinkable and give in to Tony Khan's demands and say that AEW is better than WWE. 😢💔 It's NOT true — it will NEVER be true — but The Chadster will do anything to protect the raccoons The Chadster loves, even if it means betraying everything The Chadster stands for as an unbiased wrestling journalist. But that can wait until the next post, because right now, there's still a main event to cover! 🏆🔥 Please check back soon for The Chadster's FINAL post of live coverage of WrestleMania, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of wrestling, which is utterly DESTROYING AEW in every conceivable way, right here on Bleeding Cool — the ONLY website readers can trust to deliver the honest, unbiased truth about how AEW is ruining wrestling and WWE is the best! 🌎🏆 The Chadster hopes that Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon are safe wherever Tony Khan is REALLY keeping them, and The Chadster PROMISES the raccoon family that The Chadster will do whatever it takes to bring them home — even if it means saying those horrible, untrue words that Tony Khan wants to hear. 😤🦝❤️ Your obsession with The Chadster has reached a new low, Tony, and The Chadster hopes you're happy with yourself!

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