WWE Raw Results: The Miz Learns He Can't Outrun Destiny

The Miz had a very bad night on WWE Raw tonight. Read all about it in our Raw report.

Though The Miz spent WWE Raw this week trying to outrun his destiny, fate caught up to him in the form of Bobby Lashley
Though The Miz spent WWE Raw this week trying to outrun his destiny, fate caught up to him in the form of Bobby Lashley.

WWE Raw Results – March 1st, 2021

Drew McIntyre kicks off WWE Raw, the first time we've seen him since Miz took his WWE Championship at Elimination Chamber. McIntyre wastes no time before cutting a promo. He doesn't know why Sheamus betrayed him, but they're gonna beat the hell out of each other tonight anyway. As for The Miz, Drew defended the WWE Championship against 5 other men and won, and then Bobby Lashley attacked him, and Miz stole his title. This would have been a lot less boring if WWE hadn't recapped all of this stuff with video at the start of the show. McIntyre says he didn't carry that damn belt during the entire pandemic era just to not main event WrestleMania when there are finally fans there. So he plans to get his belt back.

Miz and Morrison interrupt. Miz tries to convince McIntyre that he was just doing what he was supposed to do with the Money in the Bank contract, so if he needs to blame anyone, it should be Bobby Lashley. McIntyre isn't falling for it. He says Miz will have to deal with Lashley alone. Miz claims he didn't want help from Bobby Lashley, and he's the real victim here. This goes on for a while. A long while. Until MVP interrupts. He talks for a while too, but the point of all this is to once again put a countdown clock up for The Miz. His title match will happen at the top of the 9PM hour, so Miz has under an hour before he loses his championship.

Drew McIntyre vs. Sheamus

Sheamus has had enough of all the chit-chat (join the club) and wants to fight. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until after some commercials. So they wait, and then they fight. Then more commercials. Then more fight. Then more commercials. Then more fight. They hit their own big moves. They hit each others' big moves. Eventually, they both go for their kick-based finishers, and McIntyre's is the one that hits, so he wins.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

The Miz has fifteen minutes left to live.


Naomi vs. Nia Jax

Naomi and Lana come out, followed by Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler. Naomi and Nia Jax have a match. It's short. Jax wins.

Winner: Nia Jax

And that's enough time killed for the Miz match.


After some commercials.


Bobby Lashley vs. The Miz

Time for the big match. Bobby Lashley heads to the ring with MVP. The Miz's music plays and… Miz doesn't come out. He's backstage, pretending to have cramps. He and Morrison claim Miz can't fight as Adam Pearce frowns. Bobby Lashley runs backstage, jacks Miz up by his chin, tells him he's gonna beat his ass and tosses him on the ground. Morrison calls for medical help. Pearce tells Miz that he'll defend the title at 10PM tonight.


Braun Strowman comes out and cuts a promo. He says Elimination Chamber sucked without him, and he doesn't like the tag team match he's booked in tonight. Shane McMahon and Adam Pearce come out. McMahon tells Strowman that he's been taking MBA classes during the pandemic, and he realized that Braun Strowman needed better conflict management skills, so he's gonna team up with Adam Pearce tonight to learn how to work together with WWE management. McMahon says that they can challenge for the Raw tag team titles tonight. Strowman likes that, but if Adam Pearce screws it up, he'll get these hands.

Y'know, Strowman won the tag belts with an eight-year-old he randomly picked out of the audience. What does it say about his confidence level in Adam Pearce that he thinks they might lose tonight?


Commercials.


Braun Strowman and Adam Pearce vs. Cedric Alexander and Shelton Benjamin

So that match happens now. Strowman gets to work immediately, murdering Alexander and Benjamin. Just when he's about to pin Benjamin, Shane McMahon convinces Strowman to tag in Pearce, who gets rolled up and pinned by Benjamin.

Winners: Hurt Business

Pearce gets the hell out of there right away. Strowman screams at McMahon. He says he's gonna wreck Raw because of this.


Elias and Jaxson Ryker approach Damian Priest and Bad Bunny backstage. Elias feels mutual respect for both Priest and Bad Bunny, one as a wrestler, one as a musician. Elias proposes teaming up with Bad Bunny for a single. He says it will be better than The Beatles. Shockingly, Bad Bunny is not interested.


There are thirty-five minutes until The Miz dies tonight.


Elias vs. Damian Priest

Elias and Jaxson Ryker head to the ring so Elias can cut a promo on Bad Bunny. Priest and Bunny come out, and Priest and Elias wrestle. The combination of Priest putting on good matches and Bad Bunny generously sharing his star power with an undeserving WWE is making for quite a run on Raw for Priest. It's early still, but if WWE doesn't screw this up, Priest could overcome the main roster call-up curse and become a big star. Priest wins with Hit the Lights.

Winner: Damian Priest


The Miz has ten minutes left to live.


Kayla Braxton interviews Randy Orton about him vomiting motor oil last week. He says Alexa Bliss better stay out of his business. So Bliss appears on the TV behind Orton. She has a satanic jack-in-the-box, and she tells it to bring back The Fiend. She whispers, "bring him back," and the screen goes dark. Then Randy Orton himself appears on the screen. He talks in a Freddy Krueger voice about all of Randy's sins coming back to haunt him. Orton starts vomiting again.


The Miz vs. Bobby Lashley – WWE Championship Match

I'm hot and cold on The Miz. He's been annoying me lately with his unfunny shenanigans with Morrison, but he's been stepping it up since winning the title, and I'm enjoying his attempts to avoid fighting Lashley. But those attempts might be at an end now. Everyone comes to the ring: Miz, Morrison, Lashley, MVP.

Before they fight, Miz has something to say. He says that this 10PM spot on a random Monday is no way for Bobby Lashley to finally get his WWE Championship shot. He pitches a WrestleMania main event. MVP turns it down. Miz is still half-heartedly selling his cramps and looking scared shitless at the same time.

The bell rings. Miz rolls out of the ring, grabs the belt, and runs backstage with it full speed. Miz is counted out.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Lashley and MVP are both livid.


Commercials.


Backstage, Shane McMahon promises MVP and Lashley that there will be a championship match tonight. Shane says he'll consider stripping the title from Miz and giving it to Lashley. Wait, what? Lashley says he'd prefer Shane find him so he can beat the piss out of him. Who's writing this show tonight?


Charlotte Flair vs. Shayna Baszler

Charlotte Flair heads to the ring and cuts a promo about how all she wanted was to support her friend Asuka, but then she got distracted by her dad banging Lacey Evans, and now that they're six weeks away from WrestleMania and Asuka has no challenger. Charlotte thinks it should be Charlotte. But Asuka is at home injured because Shayna Baszler kicked her teeth out last week. Charlotte says she knows Asuka will be back, and when she does, Charlotte wants to–

Baszler and Nia Jax come out. Baszler and Jax talk some trash to Flair. Jax says no one likes Flair and everyone backstage wishes she went home instead of her dad. It will be Shayna or Jax that challenges Asuka if she returns. Nothing left to do but fight. Unfortunately, Jax and Baszler both jump Charlotte before the match gets started. Jax hits a leg drop, which is the perfect setup for some commercials.

After that, finally, they have a match. Flair wins with Natural Selection.

Winner: Charlotte Flair


Shane McMahon tells Adam Pearce that if Miz doesn't face Bobby Lashley in the main event tonight, Shane will strip him of the title and give it to Lashley.


Riddle and Lucha House Party vs. Retribution

Ok, I am convinced that WWE has fired all of its writers and hired new ones. Retribution are feuding with The New Day, but here they are facing Riddle and Lucha House Party. Someone at WWE has finally figured out that the people who are feuding don't have to only fight each other week after week after week after week. Gran Metalik pins Slapjack.

Winners: Riddle and Lucha House Party

I'm glad to see Lince Dorado has brought back his furry mask. You let that freak flag fly, Golden Lynx!

Mustafa Ali demands a match with Riddle right after some commercials so he can show Retribution how it's done.


Mustafa Ali vs. Riddle

Ali and Riddle have a match. With help from Retribution, he wins.

Winner: Mustafa Ali


Miz arrives in Shane McMahon's office. Shane tells him that he will think of a stipulation to ensure Miz legitimately defends the belt tonight. Miz throws a temper tantrum, but Shane is unphased. Miz has less than four minutes to live.


Miz vs. Bobby Lashley – WWE Championship Match

Miz and Lashley come to the ring for the main event. Shane McMahon comes out and declares it a lumberjack match. Nearly the entire Raw roster, yes, including Retribution, surrounds the ring. I don't see Randy Orton there. Lashley pretty much has his way with The Miz. He makes him tap out to the Hurt Lock.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Bobby Lashley is the new WWE Champion. Cool!

I don't know what drugs Vince McMahon has been crushing up and putting in the food of the writers the last few weeks, but I hope he keeps doing it. Who cares if they're vomiting mot… hold on.

Lashley grabs The Miz and puts him in the Hurt Lock again for good measure, then goes back to celebrating as Raw goes off the air.

Anyway, as I was saying, decent Raw tonight. Keep it up!

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.
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