Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Pipe Bombs, Celebrities, Property Damage, and Debts

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from his secret bunker! CM Punk's pipe bomb, Lesnar vs. Oba Femi chaos, and IShowSpeed's WrestleMania booking left him shook.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret bunker beneath my presidential palace where I have been hiding ever since I accidentally insulted the CIA director's favorite wrestler on social media, and I have got a piping hot review of last night's episode of WWE Raw for you! What a show it was, comrades — three hours of chaos, betrayal, and enough pipe bombs to make even my Minister of Propaganda jealous. So let us get into it, segment by segment, as only El Presidente can!

CM Punk Opens WWE Raw With a Pipe Bomb for the Ages

Comrades, CM Punk opened last night's WWE Raw and reminded every single person watching why he is the most dangerous man with a microphone since El Presidente's infamous address to the Organization of American States in 2011. The World Heavyweight Champion came out and verbally eviscerated Roman Reigns, calling him a nepo baby — which, comrades, is a term I am very familiar with, as half of my cabinet is composed of my cousins. But Punk did not stop there! He took shots at Vince McMahon, The Rock, Pat McAfee, Ari Emanuel, and even WrestleMania ticket prices. As a socialist, nothing warms my heart more than a man of the people calling out the inflated costs of capitalist entertainment. Punk said he wanted families to come watch him stand on Roman's throat, and honestly, that is a more affordable family outing than anything my country's tourism board currently offers. He then dropped the mic, went into the crowd, and soaked in adulation like a true revolutionary leader after a successful land redistribution. Magnificent.

My comrade Chad McMahon had a lot to say about this subject earlier today, and I invite you read his insane ramblings the next time you're on "the throne" with nothing better to do.

IShowSpeed, Danhausen, and the Chaos of The Vision

A video package aired of LA Knight crashing IShowSpeed's livestream and throwing him into the camera, which is the kind of direct action El Presidente can respect. This led into one of the most delightfully absurd backstage segments I have ever witnessed on WWE Raw. Speed was pleading with Danhausen to uncurse him, which reminded me of the time my good friend Muammar Gaddafi once hired a shaman to uncurse his presidential tent after a particularly bad UN General Assembly speech. Adam Pearce showed up looking as confused as my generals do whenever I try to explain streaming television to them. Then Logan Paul and Austin Theory swooped in like vultures, telling Speed that everyone in WWE hated him and that he would only be safe with The Vision. Classic cult recruitment tactics, comrades. I should know — I wrote the handbook.

LA Knight vs. Austin Theory — The Vision Strikes Again

LA Knight took on Austin Theory in what should have been a showcase for The Megastar, but as is always the case with The Vision, nothing is ever clean. Logan Paul shoved IShowSpeed into Knight at ringside — using the poor streamer as a human projectile, which is a war crime in at least three of the countries I have been banned from visiting. Speed tried to flee, but The Usos cut him off like a border patrol checkpoint. In the confusion, Theory rolled up Knight for the win. Comrades, this is the kind of tainted victory that gives capitalism a bad name. Using a confused internet celebrity as a weapon to steal a win? Even my election officials would call that excessive.

Six-Man Tag Made Official for WrestleMania

After the match, Knight called for Adam Pearce and demanded justice, blaming IShowSpeed for costing both him and The Usos. Pearce, showing the kind of decisive leadership that El Presidente admires in a government official, made it official: LA Knight and The Usos vs. Logan Paul, Austin Theory, and IShowSpeed at WrestleMania in a Six-Man Tag Team Match. IShowSpeed in a WrestleMania match, comrades! The man who was begging Danhausen to uncurse him twenty minutes earlier is now booked on the grandest stage of them all. This is either brilliant booking or the kind of reckless decision-making that reminds me of the time I appointed my personal chef as Minister of Defense. It worked out surprisingly well, actually — he was very good with knives.

The Judgment Day Ambush Finn Bálor

Comrades, the scheduled match between Finn Bálor and JD McDonagh never even happened because Dominik Mysterio attacked Bálor from behind before the bell could ring. Dominik and JD then used the AAA Mega Championship belt and a steel chair to brutalize the man who once led their faction. This is the ultimate betrayal, comrades — the student turning on the master, the protégé becoming the oppressor. It reminded me of the time my Vice President tried to have me arrested during my own birthday party. I was cutting the cake when I noticed the handcuffs. Needless to say, there is no longer a Vice President position in my government. A later video package showed Bálor saying that a side of him they had not seen in a long time was coming back. I believe him, comrades. There is nothing more dangerous than a man who has been beaten with his own chair.

AJ Lee and Becky Lynch Have an Intense War of Words

Michael Cole sat down for an interview with Women's Intercontinental Champion AJ Lee, but Becky Lynch interrupted and accused Cole of lobbing softball questions — which, comrades, is an accusation I frequently make about the journalists in my state-controlled media, except in my case, the softballs are intentional. Becky said AJ quit because she saw her replacement coming, and AJ fired back by saying Becky made history, but only after AJ had kicked down the doors first. Then — and this was the kill shot, comrades — AJ told Becky to ask her daughter who her favorite wrestler is. The audacity! The savagery! I have not seen someone weaponize a child's preference so effectively since my dear friend Vladimir Putin told me his daughter preferred my neighbor's national anthem over mine. I did not speak to him for three months.

Bayley Defeats Lash Legend in a Chaotic Match

Bayley defeated Lash Legend in a match that had more outside interference than one of my elections. Nia Jax got involved from ringside, which brought out Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss to deal with her. Bayley wiped out everyone at ringside in a dive that would have made my Minister of Sports weep with joy, then countered Lash's superplex attempt and got the pin while Lyra Valkyria sneakily held Lash's foot from outside. Listen, comrades, in my country we call that "creative officiating assistance," and it is a time-honored tradition. Bayley and Lyra building momentum in the women's tag title picture is exactly the kind of strategic alliance-building that keeps you in power — trust me, I know.

Seth Rollins Confronts Gunther and All Hell Breaks Loose

Seth Rollins came out on WWE Raw and delivered a fiery promo about his two missions: taking back the world title he never lost and dismantling The Vision. The Visionary then made a fascinating accusation — that Gunther had entered some kind of business arrangement with Paul Heyman and that Gunther had handed Brock Lesnar to Oba Femi. Comrades, backroom deals between powerful men? This is the kind of political intrigue that El Presidente lives for! Gunther interrupted, attacked Rollins, and the two brawled until officials rushed in to separate them. The Ring General escaped after landing a big boot on Rollins while he was being restrained, which is the kind of cowardly tactic that — I will admit — I have also used during parliamentary disputes.

Then, backstage, Heyman approached Gunther and thanked him. Gunther shook his hand, pulled him in close, and told Heyman he owed him much more than a thank you. Comrades, that is not a partnership — that is a debt, and in my experience, debts between powerful men are the most dangerous currency in the world. I once owed Fidel Castro a favor after he lent me a helicopter, and he did not let me forget it for fifteen years. In fact, his ghost continues to visit me at least twice a year and he brings it up every time.

Penta, Dragon Lee & Je'Von Evans Defeat Los Americanos, Then Rey Mysterio Returns

Penta, Dragon Lee, and Je'Von Evans defeated Los Americanos in an all-action six-man tag that had more high-flying offense than my air force's last training exercise — which, admittedly, involved only two functioning aircraft. Evans hit the OG Cutter on Bravo for the pin, and the crowd went wild. But the real moment came immediately after, when Rey Mysterio returned to the ring and announced that after speaking with Adam Pearce, the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match at WrestleMania was missing one more person — and that person was Rey Mysterio himself! Rey in a Ladder Match at his age is either incredibly brave or incredibly ill-advised, much like the time I decided to challenge my entire Secret Service to an arm-wrestling tournament after drinking an entire bottle of rum. I lost every match but declared myself the winner anyway.

Asuka Sends a Message to IYO SKY

A video package aired featuring Asuka cutting a subtitled promo accusing IYO SKY of selfishness, of stealing Kairi Sane away from her, and of taking advantage of her kindness. She vowed to teach SKY one final lesson. Comrades, there is nothing more terrifying than a woman who has been patient for too long finally deciding she has had enough. It reminds me of my third wife, who smiled politely for two years before changing all the locks on the presidential palace while I was at a summit. Asuka's fury is building, and I suspect it will explode at the worst possible time for IYO SKY.

RHIYO Defeat B-Fab and Michin, But Jade Cargill Has the Last Laugh

Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY teamed up on WWE Raw and defeated Michin and B-Fab, with SKY countering B-Fab into a pin for the victory despite constant interference from Jade Cargill at ringside. But comrades, the celebration was short-lived. After the match, Jade attacked SKY from behind, and with Michin wielding a kendo stick, the three villains held Ripley back and forced her to watch as Jade brutalized SKY with the weapon. Forcing someone to watch their ally being beaten is psychological warfare of the highest order. I once had to watch the CIA install a fast-food franchise directly across from my palace as a form of cultural aggression. The emotional damage was comparable.

Stephanie Vaquer Ambushes Liv Morgan in the Judgment Day Clubhouse

In one of the best backstage segments of the night, Dominik and JD reacted to Rey Mysterio joining the Ladder Match, and then Liv Morgan had a private conversation with Roxanne Perez, trying to spin the Bálor situation to keep Roxanne loyal to The Judgment Day. But before Roxanne could answer, Stephanie Vaquer came out of nowhere, blindsided Liv, shoved her into Roxanne, and smashed Liv's face into a television in the Judgment Day clubhouse! Comrades, destroying expensive electronics during a sneak attack is a power move that El Presidente deeply respects. I once threw a CIA listening device disguised as a television out of a fourth-story window. Vaquer is proving that she will fight as dirty as necessary, and this feud is getting personal in the best way possible.

Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi Destroy Each Other at the Contract Signing

The main event segment of WWE Raw was the contract signing for the WrestleMania match between Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi, presided over by Triple H and Adam Pearce. Paul Heyman interrupted to introduce Lesnar, because of course he did — Heyman introducing Lesnar is as inevitable as El Presidente winning re-election with 98% of the vote. Oba Femi then made his entrance, and in a moment of beautiful disrespect, mocked Lesnar's signature entrance shuffle. Comrades, mocking a man's dance is a declaration of war in at least seven Latin American countries. Before a single signature could be put on paper, Lesnar attacked Femi, but the young bull fought back, ran Lesnar into the ring post, and the two proceeded to destroy the entire contract signing table. Security swarmed, the show ended with both men still fighting, and El Presidente was left standing on his liberated yacht screaming at the television while my cabinet ministers frantically tried to calm me down.

The brawl did not even stop when the show went off the air, comrades! Exclusive footage showed these two behemoths continuing to destroy each other and everything around them. The sheer power on display was enough to register on my country's seismograph — and we only have one, so that is saying something.

El Presidente's Final Verdict on WWE Raw

Comrades, last night's WWE Raw was a thoroughly entertaining show that pushed nearly every WrestleMania feud forward with intensity and purpose. From CM Punk's scorching pipe bomb to the Lesnar-Femi brawl that closed the show, this episode had the kind of revolutionary energy that makes El Presidente proud to be a wrestling fan. Were there some moments of questionable logic? Of course — IShowSpeed being booked in a WrestleMania match makes about as much sense as my country's economic policy. But that is the beauty of professional wrestling, comrades. It does not have to make sense. It just has to make you feel something. And last night, WWE Raw made El Presidente feel alive. Now if you will excuse me, I must return to the bunker. The CIA has been suspiciously quiet, and that never means anything good. Viva la wrestling! Viva El Presidente!

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