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WWE SmackDown Review: WarGames Drama Escalates

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's WarGames chaos, plus an update on Chad McMahon's revolt against an AEW viewing party at his medical facility!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden throne room where I have just finished installing a satellite dish that the CIA absolutely cannot trace (I painted it to look like a decorative fountain). Last night, I witnessed the spectacle that was WWE SmackDown, and let me tell you, it was more chaotic than the time I tried to organize a peaceful transition of power! (Just kidding, comrades, I would never do such a thing.)

WWE SmackDown opened with Paul Heyman and his Vision faction – Logan Paul, Bron Breakker, and Bronson Reed – standing in the ring like they owned the place. Heyman was doing what Heyman does best: talking magnificently about WarGames and making threats. This reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I practiced our intimidation speeches in front of a mirror. Gaddafi kept going on for three hours, and I had to remind him that even dictators need bathroom breaks, comrades.

But then Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso interrupted (the promo on WWE SmackDown, not my speech workshop with Gaddafi), and they had the audacity to suggest they were not alone! The music of Cody Rhodes hit, but instead of the WWE Champion appearing, we discovered that Drew McIntyre had ambushed him outside the arena! Drew left Cody bloodied on his own tour bus, which is perhaps the most disrespectful thing you can do to a man. I once had the CIA tamper with my presidential limousine, filling it with whoopee cushions and photographs of Ronald Reagan. It took weeks to recover my dignity, comrades.

The first match of the night on WWE SmackDown saw Ilja Dragunov defend his United States Championship against JD McDonagh in what can only be described as an absolute war! These two men beat each other senseless, trading strikes like they were negotiating a hostile takeover. McDonagh hit a Spanish Fly, a moonsault, and even a Busaiku Knee, but Dragunov would not stay down! This reminds me of my legendary arm-wrestling match with Hugo Chávez, which lasted for six hours until we both agreed to call it a draw and share a plate of arepas instead.

Dragunov eventually retained his title with an H-Bomb, and comrades, the man looked like he had just survived a coup attempt. Which, coincidentally, is how I spend most Tuesdays! The selling, not the coup attempts. Well, actually both, now that I think about it.

In a backstage segment, we saw Charlotte Flair forced into a room with Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky by Alexa Bliss, who left with Sky, leaving Flair and Ripley alone for a team-building exercise for WarGames. Ah yes, forcing enemies to work together – I have attempted this many times with my cabinet ministers! It usually ends with someone defecting to Paraguay, but I admire the effort.

The next match on WWE SmackDown featured Carmelo Hayes taking on Bronson Reed in the "Last Time is Now Tournament." Now, comrades, this match had more interference than a disputed election in one of my neighboring countries! Logan Paul and Bron Breakker tried to help Reed, but the Usos came out to even the odds. Then Cody Rhodes himself appeared, looking like he had just survived a bar fight with a bear (if you've been in one, you know what I'm talking about), and he hit Reed with a CrossRhodes on the floor! Hayes won by count-out, which is not the most glorious victory, but as I always say: a win is a win, whether by democratic process or by having your opponent mysteriously disqualified by an independent election commission you appointed yourself.

After the match, Cody grabbed a microphone and cut a passionate promo about WarGames being his birthright. This resonated deeply with me, comrades, as I too believe in birthrights! My birthright was to rule with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet glove, while occasionally redistributing wealth from the wealthy to myself. It is the socialist way!

The third match saw Fraxiom – that is Nathan Frazer and Axiom – take on DIY, which is Tommaso Ciampa and Johnny Gargano. Now, comrades, I must tell you that watching these technical wrestlers is like watching a chess match, except the chess pieces are flying through the air and occasionally hitting Spanish Flies. DIY won when Candice LeRae unmasked Axiom at a crucial moment, allowing Gargano to steal the victory. Cheating? Perhaps. But as I learned from my good friend and mentor Fidel Castro, sometimes you must bend the rules to achieve your revolutionary goals. Although in this case, the revolutionary goal was just winning a wrestling match, not overthrowing an oppressive regime. But the principle is the same!

The main event of WWE SmackDown featured Finn Balor against Penta in the tournament, and what a match it was! Penta hit a Mexican Destroyer out of the corner and pinned Balor to advance. This was faster than expected, like the time my Finance Minister tried to tell me we were out of money and I had him replaced within four minutes. Penta will now face Carmelo Hayes in the tournament, and I am very much looking forward to this matchup!

The show concluded with the women's WarGames team announcing their fifth member, which turned out to be… a massive brawl! AJ Lee came out, comrades, only to be immediately attacked by Becky Lynch and the heel team, confirming Lynch as the fifth woman on the heel team! They stood tall to end SmackDown as Survivor Series draws ever closer.

Speaking of standing tall, I must report on the condition of my dear colleague, Chad McMahon, who remains in the medical facility. Comrades, the situation has escalated! I received a distressed phone call this afternoon from the facility's director, a kind gentleman named Dr. Henderson who reminds me of my former Minister of Health (before he mysteriously disappeared after suggesting I should eat more vegetables and fewer gold-leaf-covered steaks).

Dr. Henderson informed me that The Chadster has learned about tonight's AEW Full Gear viewing party in the recreation room, and he has been attempting to organize the other patients into a revolt! The Chadster has been going room to room, explaining to the elderly gentleman with dementia that Tony Khan is trying to "ruin the wrestling business," and trying to convince the young man recovering from appendix surgery that the hospital's jello contains "traces of All Elite Wrestling propaganda."

Most concerningly, The Chadster fashioned a makeshift banner from bed sheets that reads "RESPECT THE BUSINESS" and has been staging what he calls a "peaceful protest" outside the recreation room. However, Dr. Henderson notes that there is nothing peaceful about The Chadster's protest, as he has been singing Smash Mouth's "All Star" at the top of his lungs while doing jumping jacks, claiming this is "what a real wrestler's theme song sounds like."

The nursing staff attempted to negotiate with The Chadster, offering to turn the TV on in his room to a WWE SmackDown rerun instead, but The Chadster accused them all of being "in Tony Khan's pocket" and demanded to see their financial records to prove they haven't received AEW bribes. When Nurse Patricia (bless her patient soul) tried to give The Chadster his afternoon medication, he knocked the pills from her hand and shouted, "Nice try, Tony Khan! I know you've replaced my medicine with Kenny Omega's work rate vitamins!"

Dr. Henderson has assured me they are doing everything they can to help The Chadster, but they may need to move the AEW Full Gear viewing party to a different location to avoid further incidents. I have offered to donate a television to the facility specifically for WWE programming, which I will have installed in The Chadster's room and welded in place so it cannot be changed to any other channel. This is the kind of infrastructure improvement that socialism provides, comrades!

I have also sent The Chadster a care package containing several bottles of White Claw (I am told this is close enough to his beloved Seagram's Escapes Spiked), a die-cast model of a Mazda Miata for his nightstand, and a framed photograph of myself meeting Triple H (we have never actually met, but I am very skilled with Photoshop). Hopefully these items will bring The Chadster some comfort during these trying times.

In conclusion, comrades, last night's WWE SmackDown was a tremendous success! We saw title defenses, tournament advancement, team building for WarGames, and the naming of the fifth women on the babyface WarGames team! The road to Survivor Series and WarGames is heating up faster than my presidential palace during a surprise inspection from Amnesty International!

This is your El Presidente, signing off with confidence that WWE SmackDown continues to deliver the socialist ideals of entertaining the masses! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! And may The Chadster find peace, or at least stop trying to tunnel out of the medical facility with a spork!

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