X-ual Healing: If You Like Violence and Nonstop Banter, You'll Love Deadpool Assassin #1

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in comics.

Each week, armed with the joy, heartbreak, and frustration of 30+ years of reading X-Men comics, we read every new X-book that comes out, recap the events, provide the historical context so you can read it on Marvel Unlimited, and wonder when Marvel will let Chris Claremont write something again.

It's the way X-Men comics were meant to be read! It's the column that can only be known as…

For more about the column, check out the reboot issue here.

The Regeneratin' Degenerate and his old pal Weasel are back, and they're imposing their special brand of justice on any other killers for hire who don't live up to their moral code — starting with a dangerous operation that'll take Deadpool into the heart of a castle filled with ninja…WHO WILL STAB DEADPOOL MULTIPLE TIMES IN THIS ISSUE! Ouch! And that says nothing of the emotional damage the Merc with the Mouth is constantly grappling with… Leave the kiddos at home, True Believers, 'cause "Killer" Cullen Bunn and "Never Misses His" Mark Bagley are bringing you mercenary action as you like it — bombastic, badass, and, of course, bloody!
40 PGS./Parental Advisory …$4.99

We're torn on Deadpool Assassin. On the one hand, we already read one Deadpool comic and that's surely more than enough Deadpool. On the other hand, Cullen Bunn and Mark Bagley… how bad can it be?

The issue opens in a plane full of soldiers heading to a drop zone over the country of Bagalia. For some reason Deadpool is on this mission too, and his new teammates don't seem to like him much, but the client paying them all insisted Deadpool come along. Turns out that's because he's there to kill them all. Which he promptly does, as witty banter ensues. We'll spare you the details. Deadpool breaks the fourth wall to introduce a flashback explaining how this all came to be.

Deadpool and Weasel are in a supermarket, checking out cereal. More witty banter happens, and finally Weasel gets around to showing Deadpool an assassination job on his phone.

In addition to Shuten Doji, there's another target, named Samson "Scars" Green, who runs the black ops outfit that Deadpool started killing on the plane earlier. They aren't very nice guys either. Weasel wants Deadpool to choose which one he'll kill. Well, there's one down already and we're not even halfway through the first issue, so we're guessing he's going after both.

Back on the plane, Deadpool has a use for the corpses of the dead mercs. He straps them to jetpacks and launches them out of the plane as he divebombs Doji's base. Several pages of explosions occur. Deadpool, flaming and battered from crashing the plane into the base, begins killing monks. After that, he heads inside to fight ninjas. As a violence and witty banter-filled scene is about to happen, Deadpool launches into another flashback.

Weasel visits Deadpool at his apartment to deliver some guns, swords, knives, and grenades for his mission. Deadpool notices that Weasel is wearing a name tag. He also gets a phone call where he appears to be taking orders from someone. Deadpool is curious about what Weasel is up to, but it's time to return to the ninja battle. Deadpool kills all the ninjas while engaging in witty banter. Some of them have mechanical Iron Fists, and Deadpool takes one off a dead ninja. Then he titillates the reader with certain promises.

Finally, Deadpool catches up with Doji, who has four Doctor Octopus tentacles for some reason. He tries to kill Deadpool, but Deadpool punches him with the Iron Fist device, killing him. But then Deadpool feels woozy and passes out, right after calling Weasel for a pickup.

Later, Deadpool is in a car with Weasel back in the U.S., asking him what he's up to. Turns out Weasel is married to a woman named Clarice. She doesn't know about Weasel's double life as Deadpool's sidekick. Deadpool tells Weasel he should give up the mercenary life and be a good husband, but Weasel says getting married made him feel like less of a man. Later still, Deadpool is at his apartment texting Weasel about new jobs, but Weasel doesn't respond. Also, a slice of pizza is stuck to Deadpool's ceiling and it falls down, landing on Deadpool's head. That's all, folks.

The Bottom Line

It was neither good nor bad. It was simply Deadpool.

Further Reading

Can't get enough Deadpool written by Cullen Bunn? Look, we're not judging. Start with Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe on Marvel Unlimited.

Read more X-ual Healing here:

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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