Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: wrestling

AEW Dynamite and Collision Preview: 3-Hour Special Before Full Gear

Preview tonight's 3-hour AEW Dynamite and Collision special with title unifications, Casino Gauntlet qualifiers, Kenny Omega's return, and a Chadster update!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath Fenway Park, where I have been hiding from Red Sox fans who are still angry about that time I tried to purchase their beloved franchise and relocate it to my glorious nation. But I digress! Tonight, we have a spectacular 3-hour wrestling extravaganza that even my good friend Kim Jong-un would interrupt his missile tests to watch – AEW Dynamite and Collision, back-to-back on TBS!

Before we dive into tonight's card, comrades, I must update you on the condition of my colleague, Chad McMahon. Ah, The Chadster! Just yesterday, I checked on his status at the medical facility where he continues his recovery, and the staff regaled me with the most hilarious tale. Apparently, The Chadster became convinced that Tony Khan had disguised himself as one of the orderlies bringing his evening medication. When the poor orderly approached with a cup of pills and some water, The Chadster barricaded himself in the bathroom, screaming that he "wouldn't let Tony Khan poison him with AEW propaganda pills!" It took three hours and a promise that they would play WWE content on his television for him to emerge. The orderly was actually named Tony – Tony Ramirez, a lovely gentleman from Pittsburgh who had no idea who Tony Khan even was! Or, at least, that's what he claimed.

Comrades, I genuinely wish The Chadster well in his recovery. I hope he realizes that AEW existing as an alternative to WWE is not, in fact, a personal attack orchestrated by Tony Khan specifically to ruin his life. Competition in the marketplace is healthy, much like how my regime allows exactly two political parties – mine, and the one I secretly control as opposition! It's all about creating the illusion of choice while maintaining supreme authority.

Speaking of competition, tonight's show is the go-home event for Saturday's Full Gear pay-per-view, which is why Collision is airing on Wednesday instead of its usual Saturday slot. Smart move by that capitalist pig Tony Khan! This reminds me of the time I had to move my annual military parade from Saturday to Wednesday because Fidel Castro was visiting and wanted to attend, but he had a standing Saturday appointment to get his beard trimmed. We revolutionaries must be flexible with our scheduling!

Now, let me break down this spectacular card for you, comrades:

Mercedes Moné returns to her hometown of Boston to face Red Velvet in a unification match. This is Moné's 13th championship, comrades! I myself have declared myself champion of 47 different things in my country, but I must admit, actually defending those titles is admirable. Red Velvet returns from a five-month injury, and this is their first meeting! The winner becomes the undisputed champion, which is a concept I understand well – I too am the undisputed leader of my nation, mostly because I've made it illegal to dispute me.

Comrades, Unified Champion Kazuchika Okada defends his position in a Double Jeopardy match while Mascara Dorada fights for a future title shot. If Okada wins, the Don Callis Family gets a shot at the CMLL World Trios Titles. This type of match intrigues me because both sides have something to lose, much like when I play poker with Vladimir Putin. If I win, I get economic aid. If he wins, I have to let him annex one of my provinces. So far, I have lost 17 times, but joke's on him, those were never my provinces in the first place. My neighbors are not happy with this state of affairs, but that's international diplomacy for you.

The AEW World Champion Hangman Adam Page faces a member of The Opps, Katsuyori Shibata, in non-title action before his steel cage match with Samoa Joe at Full Gear. Comrades, I know all about fighting against "The Opps" – the CIA has been my "Opps" for decades! Though unlike Hangman Page, when I want revenge, I simply declare a national holiday and make everyone watch propaganda films about my greatness.

Bobby Lashley faces Ricochet for the No. 1 spot in Full Gear's Casino Gauntlet, while Speedball Mike Bailey takes on Shelton Benjamin for the No. 2 spot. The winner of these matches gets the best odds in the Casino Gauntlet match for the inaugural AEW National Championship! This reminds me of my own national lottery, which I instituted last year. The grand prize is not having your property seized by the state! Everyone is a winner because they get to keep participating in our glorious socialist economy!

Two quarterfinal matches tonight in the Women's Tag Team Tournament, comrades! Timeless Love Bombs face Alex Windsor and Riho, while TayJay battles Megan Bayne and Marina Shafir. These matches are crucial, as the winners advance toward becoming the inaugural AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions! Comrades, there's no better way to crown inaugural champions than with a tournament. This reminds me of when I attended a judo tournament in Havana with Raúl Castro. I ended up challenging Raúl to a friendly sparring match to prove I was still in fighting shape, and long story short, we almost reignited the Cold War. But that is a story for another time, comrades!

The Cleaner hasn't been seen since WrestleDream, but tonight, Kenny Omega speaks before his million-dollar match at Full Gear! Comrades, I understand million-dollar matches – I once bet a million dollars on a cock fight against Nicolás Maduro. I lost, but the chicken I bet on fought with tremendous honor before its defeat. Kenny Omega has that same fighting spirit, except with more V-Triggers and fewer feathers.

This 3-hour spectacular begins at 8 PM ET/7 PM CT on TBS and streams on HBO Max. Comrades, you must watch this show! Even if you are a CIA agent assigned to monitor my communications – and I know at least three of you are reading this – you deserve to enjoy quality professional wrestling!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW! And get well soon, Chadster – the sooner you realize Tony Khan is not hiding under your hospital bed, the sooner you can return to writing about WWE!

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