Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Congratulations on Tonight's Win, Cody Rhodes

El Presidente reports on tonight's WWE SmackDown, where Cody Rhodes challenges Drew McIntyre for the title in what may be the most predictable match ever!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my own wrestling booking committee after they pitched me a six-month storyline involving a dance-off. But enough about my troubles – let us discuss the creative catastrophe unfolding tonight on WWE SmackDown!

Ah, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my many years of running a dictatorship – I mean, a "people's democracy" – it is that when your creative vision runs dry, you simply return to the same well over and over until the people revolt. Which is exactly what Triple H and his WWE regime appear to be doing! Tonight on SmackDown, we will witness Drew McIntyre defend his Undisputed WWE Championship against Cody Rhodes, and according to the dirt sheets, we all know how this predictable propaganda will end.

You see, comrades, according to the rumor mill, the bourgeois capitalists at WWE have decided that for the FOURTH consecutive year, Rhodes will main event WrestleMania for the championship. This reminds me of the time I was having drinks with Kim Jong-un in Pyongyang, and he told me he had just finished writing his 47th consecutive "Song of the Year" in North Korea. I said, "Comrade Kim, perhaps the people would enjoy some variety?" He looked at me with confusion and said, "But why fix what isn't broken?" I now understand Triple H attended the same school of creative thinking!

Just yesterday, I informed the glorious proletariat that The Road Dogg had finally figured out how to improve SmackDown creative – by leaving the company entirely! The poor man was removed from his position of power on the creative team, and rather than suffer the indignity, he chose exile. I respect this greatly, comrades. It takes courage to walk away from a sinking ship, even though the smarter thing to do would be to swim. Haw haw haw!

But here is where the story becomes truly scandalous, my friends! According to the capitalist pigs at Fightful Select – and you can read more at their Patreon if you have money to burn like a Western imperialist – "one of the reasons the title was taken off of Cody Rhodes, was so that he would be featured in the Royal Rumble and Elimination Chamber matches, adding to the draw of those shows."

Ah, yes! This is the same strategy I used when I "temporarily" nationalized the oil industry to boost attendance at my birthday parade! Except, comrades, I had the decency to keep the oil nationalized permanently. WWE, however, is trying to have their cake and eat it too – boosting ticket sales for multiple events while creative remains as stale as the bread we pretend to distribute to the masses.

Despite WWE's soaring profits, ticket sales have been slumping, and can you blame the people? When you charge prices higher than my Swiss bank account fees and deliver the same storyline repeatedly, even the most loyal subjects – I mean, fans – will revolt! This is basic economics, something even the ghost of Fidel Castro understood when we were playing dominoes in Havana last month. "El Presidente," he told me between games, "you must give the people what they want, not what is convenient for your booking." Wise words from a wise ghost with a magnificent beard!

And poor McIntyre! The Scottish Psychopath has been reduced to a transitional champion, a mere plot device in the ongoing saga of "Cody Rhodes Finishes His Story: The Sequel: The Sequel: The Sequel." I am hoping against hope that the dirt sheets are wrong, comrades, and that McIntyre retains tonight. Let us have SOME surprise, some unpredictability! Otherwise, what separates WWE from my own state-run television network, which has broadcast the same episode of my cooking show for the last six months?

But wait, there is more dysfunction to discuss! Rhea Ripley will appear on SmackDown tonight to address her WrestleMania match against Women's Champion Jade Cargill. Now, Cargill is a spectacular physical specimen – reminds me of my former head of security before the unfortunate "incident" with the helicopter – but WWE, who really hired her just to stick it to AEW, has such little faith in her wrestling abilities that she has worked less than 9 minutes of singles matches since winning the title last November!

This is like when I appointed my cousin Fernando as Minister of Finance despite his only qualification being that he once balanced his checkbook successfully. The difference is that I had a backup plan: embezzlement! WWE's backup plan was apparently to wait for Bianca Belair to return from injury and save them from their own creative incompetence. When that plan failed, they had to break up Ripley's successful tag team with Iyo Sky on Raw and ship her to SmackDown like emergency relief supplies to a disaster zone!

The only thing missing now is for The Rock to randomly show up and insert himself unnecessarily into someone else's WrestleMania program, because nothing says "fresh creative direction" like relying on a part-time movie star to generate interest! This would be like me calling up Muammar Gaddafi's ghost to help me win re-election. Actually, that is not a bad idea – someone write that down! Perhaps The Rock will show up tonight to answer the United States Championship open challenge from Carmelo Hayes, which he can then defend against every member of The Bloodline Wolfpac simultaneous at Mania (and win).

In conclusion, comrades, tune in to SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network to witness what will likely be the most predictable title change since I "won" my last election with 103% of the vote. Perhaps I should apply for a job on WWE creative – after all, I have plenty of experience making people believe in predetermined outcomes!

Until next time, comrades: socialism or death, and may your wrestling booking be less transparent than my offshore accounts! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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