Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

Darby Allin Title Reign Stays on Rails at AEW Dynamite and Collision

Comrades, your beloved El Presidente reviews three hours of AEW Dynamite and Collision, where Darby Allin survived Kevin Knight and MJF lost his mind!

Greetings once again, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the marble-floored grand ballroom of my mountainside retreat, El Refugio del Líder, where I have just hosted a midnight banquet of slow-roasted goat and pisco sours for a small gathering of generals, defrocked clergy, and one very confused Eurovision contestant who took a wrong turn in Lisbon. Last night's three-hour AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision special has come and gone, and your humble dictator watched every minute of it from a velvet throne while Esteban, my faithful capybara, snored peacefully on a pillow stuffed with the feathers of birds I am told are endangered (I did not ask). Let us dive in, comrades!

A Tribute to Comrade Ted Turner

The show opened with Tony Schiavone paying tribute to Ted Turner, followed by Sting himself coming to the ring to honor his old boss, capped off with a 10-bell salute. Comrades, I will admit it — I shed a tear, and Esteban shed two. Ted Turner, billionaire but one of the good ones, gave us Monday Nitro, gave us guaranteed contracts, and gave wrestlers a fighting chance against the capitalist Connecticut hegemony of the 1990s. A class traitor in the best possible sense! Sting's words were heartfelt, and as a man who once delivered a six-hour eulogy for a parrot, I appreciate a good tribute. ¡Salud, Comrade Ted!

Jon Moxley vs. Juice Robinson

Jon Moxley defeated Juice Robinson by putting him to sleep with the Bulldog Choke after Juice nearly stole it with a Left Hand of God and a diving crossbody. Comrades, watching Juice fight through an injured hand reminded me of the time my Minister of Finance tried to embezzle from the national treasury using only his non-dominant hand because he had injured the other one punching a portrait of me. He, too, was eventually choked unconscious, though by my Chief of Security rather than Moxley. The result was the same. Juice fought valiantly, but the dictator of the Continental division remains in power. For now.

Will Ospreay's Death Rider Boot Camp

Will Ospreay continued his strange, sweaty apprenticeship with the Death Riders, doing painful neck and back exercises while Moxley whispered cryptic philosophy about "death ground" into his ear. Comrades, this is exactly how the CIA tried to recruit me in 1979 — they put me through a grueling training regimen in a Virginia basement and whispered nonsense about freedom into my ear while I did push-ups. I escaped through a heating vent and stole a Buick. Ospreay does not appear to have a heating vent option, but I believe in him.

Orange Cassidy vs. Dax Harwood: Double Jeopardy

In a match with more people at ringside than my last cabinet meeting, Orange Cassidy defeated Dax Harwood with a small package, earning The Conglomeration a future shot at FTR's AEW World Tag Team Titles. Comrades, the chaos at ringside was glorious — FTR, Tommaso Ciampa, The Dogs, the Don Callis Family, The Conglomeration, the Young Bucks, Adam Copeland, and Christian Cage were all stationed around the ring like rival warlords at a failed peace summit. The post-match brawl ended with Rocky Romero getting beaten down, which felt unfair, but as Pinochet once told me over fondue: "Sometimes Rocky is the one who gets beaten, and sometimes Rocky is the one who beats. But always, Rocky is involved."

Ricochet vs. Jericho: Stadium Stampede Set

Chris Jericho came through the crowd to confront Ricochet, who appeared with Toa Liona and Bishop Kaun. Ricochet challenged Jericho to a 5-on-5 Stadium Stampede match at Double or Nothing and mocked Jericho by saying nobody likes him enough to find four partners. Comrades, this is a brutal burn, and one I have used personally — I once told Muammar Gaddafi he could not even find four people to attend his birthday party, and he wept openly into his couscous. After Jericho hit a Judas Effect, Liona and Kaun jumped him, and out came the Hurt Syndicate — Bobby Lashley, Shelton Benjamin, and MVP — to make the save! Jericho HAS friends after all, and they happen to wear very nice suits. The bourgeoisie unites against the proletariat, but only when it suits them, comrades.

Kazuchika Okada vs. Bryan Keith

Kazuchika Okada retained the AEW International Championship over Bryan Keith with a Rainmaker, after Keith got a strong showing including a Tiger Driver near-fall. Then Don Callis handed Okada a microphone, and Okada announced he was coming for the AEW World Title. Comrades, Okada is a man who looks like he was carved from marble by a sculptor who really, really wanted to impress his ex-wife. I respect his ambition, even if I find his Don Callis associations suspicious. Callis reminds me of every CIA handler who ever tried to flip one of my generals — smooth, oily, and always offering things he cannot deliver.

Samoa Joe Reaches Out (With a Fist Threat)

Samoa Joe, with Katsuyori Shibata and Anthony Bowens, addressed Ospreay one final time, saying he would extend his hand, but if Ospreay refused, he would extend a fist instead. Comrades, this is exactly the kind of negotiation tactic I respect. It reminds me of how I welcomed home foreign diplomats — handshake first, then, depending on their answers, possibly a fist, possibly a helicopter ride to a remote location. Joe is a diplomat of the people!

Shida & Statlander vs. Mina & Harley

Hikaru Shida and Kris Statlander defeated Mina Shirakawa and Harley Cameron, but not before Shida ACCIDENTALLY KNEED HER OWN PARTNER IN THE FACE again. Comrades, the involuntary weapon strategy continues! Statlander finished off Cameron with a big boot, Shida hit a Falcon Arrow, and they won — but the tension simmers like a pot of black bean soup forgotten on the stove of a presidential kitchen. I love this storyline. Cameron's "the wrath is back" promo had the energy of a deposed monarch reclaiming her summer palace, and I am here for it.

Darby Allin vs. Kevin Knight: AEW World Championship

In the main event of hour two, Darby Allin retained the AEW World Championship over Kevin Knight after a war that saw Knight nearly steal it with a springboard clothesline through the announce desk, a coast-to-coast dropkick, and a UFO Splash. Knight's injured knee proved his undoing, as Darby caught him in a guillotine and finished him with a Coffin Drop while Knight was trapped in the ropes, then ANOTHER Coffin Drop for good measure. Sting came out afterward to raise both men's hands. Comrades, this was a beautiful moment of solidarity between champion and challenger — a vision of what wrestling could be under socialism, where both men leave with dignity and only one leaves with the title. Knight is a future world champion. Bank on it.

MJF Demands a Rematch (And Loses His Hair?)

MJF stormed out demanding a rematch and offered his scarf, his Dynamite Diamond Ring, and a million dollars. Darby rejected all of it and said he wants MJF's HAIR, referencing MJF's hair transplant! Comrades, I screamed. Esteban screamed. The chef came running in with a fire extinguisher because he thought we had set the curtains on fire again. A Title vs. Hair contract signing next week?! This is the kind of bourgeois humiliation ritual that the proletariat deserves to witness! MJF left without answering, but he will be there. He cannot resist.

Okada Challenges Darby for Next Week

Then Okada came out and challenged Darby for next week's AEW Dynamite, and Darby accepted! So next week we get Darby vs. Okada for the world title AND an MJF Title vs. Hair contract signing. Comrades, my DVR is already trembling with anticipation.

Speedball vs. AR Fox

Mike Bailey defeated AR Fox with the Ultima Weapon in a fun sprint. Bailey kicks people approximately 400 times per match, which is a workrate I find admirable. Fox got in a beautiful corkscrew brainbuster DDT thing that made me spit out my rum. Solid bout!

PAC Challenges Darby for Saturday

PAC emerged to remind everyone he holds a 2-1 singles record over Darby, and AEW announced Darby vs. PAC for the AEW World Championship at Saturday's special Collision: Fairway to Hell. Comrades, Darby is defending the title THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK. This is either the most heroic fighting champion since Bruno Sammartino or a man who has lost a bet with the booker. Either way, I salute him.

Jamie Hayter vs. Skye Blue

Jamie Hayter defeated Skye Blue with Hayterade from the top rope. AEW Women's World Champion Thekla and Julia Hart watched from the crowd like ominous goth aunts at a quinceañera. Hayter invited them to the ring; they declined. Smart women. I once invited Margaret Thatcher to a dinner and she also declined. Some confrontations are best saved for pay-per-view.

Don Callis Family Tension

Backstage, Don Callis declared Okada was his hand-picked choice for the AEW World Title, prompting Konosuke Takeshita to object and Andrade to walk away in disgust. Comrades, the cracks in the Don Callis Family are showing! This is exactly what happened in my own cabinet in 2004 when I publicly named my Minister of Tourism as my favorite minister. Within a week, three coup attempts. Callis is playing a dangerous game.

RUSH Squashes Matty Lo

RUSH squashed Matty Lo with Bull's Horns after rejecting a handshake. RUSH continues to be the most intimidating man in AEW who is not currently affiliated with a stable of bearded murderers. Bull's Horns! When you mess with the bull, comrades, you get the horns. I have a similar policy regarding messing with El Presidente.

Main Event: 10-Man Tag Chaos

In the main event, the Young Bucks, Austin Gunn, Colten Gunn, and Ace Austin defeated Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, Daniel Garcia, David Finlay, and Clark Connors. Ace Austin hit The Fold on Yuta for the win, and Juice Robinson came out to celebrate with the babyfaces to close the show. Comrades, a 10-man tag is essentially a small civil war, and as someone who has personally orchestrated three of those, I can tell you this one was choreographed beautifully. The superkick trio on Yuta was art.

And so, comrades, three hours of AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision draw to a close. We have Darby vs. Okada and an MJF hair contract signing on next week's Dynamite, Darby vs. PAC at Collision: Fairway to Hell on Saturday, and Double or Nothing looming on the horizon like a beautiful socialist sunset. Esteban has fallen asleep with a grape in his paw. I shall retire to my chambers to plan tomorrow's column. ¡Hasta la victoria siempre, comrades!

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