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Comrades, your El Presidente reviews AEW Collision from Peoria! Knight beats HOOK, Willow stops Anna Jay, and the Collision Cowboys make their return!
Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling
AEW Collision Review: Knight, Willow Retain; Gunns are Back
Comrades, your El Presidente reviews AEW Collision from Peoria! Knight beats HOOK, Willow stops Anna Jay, and the Collision Cowboys make their return!
Article Summary
- Comrades, AEW Collision in Peoria delivered chaos as Kevin Knight retained the TNT Title over HOOK in a main event coup.
- Willow Nightingale crushed Anna Jay to keep the TBS Championship, proving champions and strong states survive all uprisings.
- Jack Perry retained the AEW National Title, PAC choked out Darius Martin, and Shida-Statlander tensions threatened civil war.
- The Gunns returned on AEW Collision as the Collision Cowboys rode again, while Death Riders kept tightening their iron grip.
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the back of an armored convoy somewhere in the mountains, where I am currently relocating my entire wrestling viewing setup after my mountain fortress was — how do you say — "visited" by some "tourists" from Langley last night. The CIA, comrades, never sleeps! But neither do I, because last night was AEW Collision from Peoria, Illinois, and your El Presidente never misses a episode of AEW Collision, even while dodging predator drones! Let us break down what happened on AEW Collision, shall we?
Death Riders & The Dogs vs. Top Flight & The Rascalz
We opened AEW Collision with ten men and approximately seventeen elbows to the face. Top Flight and The Rascalz brought the speed, but the Death Riders and The Dogs brought the kind of cold, methodical violence that I usually only see when my secret police are "interviewing" suspected dissidents. PAC locked in the Brutalizer on Darius Martin for the win, and comrades, the Brutalizer is named appropriately! It is the kind of submission that would extract a confession from even the most committed counter-revolutionary. With Will Ospreay now training with the Death Riders, this faction is becoming the dominant party in AEW, and as a man who has run a one-party state for many decades, I salute their efficiency.
AEW National Championship Match: Jack Perry vs. Máscara Dorada
Jack Perry defeated Máscara Dorada to retain his AEW National Championship in a banger of a match on AEW Collision. Dorada hit a 450 splash that nearly sent me out of my armored convoy seat, comrades, and got several near-falls that had me clutching my rum bottle like it was the last lifeboat off a sinking battleship. But Perry survived and finished it with a hurricanrana from the ropes. The two embraced after, which is the kind of working-class solidarity I love to see! Two laborers, beating each other senseless, then hugging it out. This is the dream of Marx, comrades!
Hikaru Shida and Kris Statlander Address Dynamite Loss
Hikaru Shida tried to apologize to Kris Statlander, and Statlander responded by SHOVING her into a wall! Comrades, this is the kind of betrayal energy I have not felt since my Vice President tried to seize my private helicopter during my last "wellness retreat" in Sochi. Statlander accused Shida of costing her a chance at being AEW's first female Triple Crown Champion, and Shida walked away looking like a woman who has just realized her tag partner has been keeping a list. I keep lists too, Kris. I understand.
The Conglomeration vs. MxM TV
The AEW World Trios Champions Orange Cassidy, Roderick Strong, and Kyle O'Reilly defeated MxM TV in a non-title match on AEW Collision. Cassidy got the pin with the apathetic elbow, which remains the most socialist finisher in all of professional wrestling — minimum effort, maximum result, the wealth of victory distributed to the collective! Then Tommaso Ciampa appeared and signaled toward the title belts, because in AEW, comrades, there is ALWAYS another challenger. It is like my cabinet — every time I turn around, someone new is trying to take my chair. To be fair, it's a very comfy chair.
AEW Sends Support to Rebel
Tony Schiavone and Nigel McGuinness took a moment on AEW Collision to acknowledge the signs in the crowd supporting Rebel following her ALS diagnosis. Comrades, your El Presidente sends his support as well. In a world full of CIA plots and capitalist scheming, the wrestling community pulling together to lift up one of their own is the kind of solidarity that warms even my cold dictatorial heart. Viva Rebel.
Will Ospreay and the Death Riders Video Package
A video package recapping how Will Ospreay ended up training with Jon Moxley's Death Riders aired on AEW Collision. Comrades, is Moxley rebuilding Ospreay? Manipulating him? Both? This reminds me of the time my old friend Kim Jong-il "rebuilt" his most charismatic general after a small misunderstanding involving a missing crate of cognac. The general came back stronger! Also more loyal! Also wearing slightly more eye makeup! I have my suspicions about where this Ospreay story is going, and I am riveted.
TBS Championship Match: Willow Nightingale vs. Anna Jay
Willow Nightingale defeated Anna Jay to retain the TBS Championship on AEW Collision, marking her ninth successful defense! Anna nearly caught her with the Queen Slayer late, but Willow powered out and finished her with Babe With the Powerbomb. As I predicted in my preview, comrades, this was a real election — no rigging, no elevator shafts, just a clean win. The Comeback Killer continues her reign, and I respect a champion who refuses to be deposed. We have much in common, Willow and I!
Statlander and Shida Set Up Tag Match
Renee Paquette interviewed Shida, Statlander, Mina Shirakawa, and Harley Cameron, and Shida announced she was making it up to Statlander by booking a tag match against Mina and Harley. Mina, ever the agent of chaos, questioned whether Statlander could trust Shida. This is exactly the kind of intrigue I planted among my own generals to keep them too paranoid to coup me. Well played, Mina!
Bang Bang Gang vs. Death Riders
Juice Robinson and Ace Austin defeated Wheeler Yuta and Daniel Garcia, with Moxley on commentary. Yuta got busted open — comrades, AEW continues to honor my favorite bodily fluid — and Robinson finished things with the Left Hand of God and The Juice Is Loose. Then came the moment! Garcia and Yuta attacked, and Austin Gunn and Colten Gunn RETURNED to make the save, hitting 3:10 to Yuma on Yuta! Austin Gunn declared that the Collision Cowboys are back! Comrades, I have not been this excited about a return since Manuel Noriega came back from a brief CIA-imposed sabbatical to share one final mojito with me.
Divine Dominion Promo
Megan Bayne and Lena Kross of Divine Dominion reminded everyone that they have already beaten two former AEW Women's World Champions and told the rest of the division to stop trying. This is the kind of intimidation tactic I admire! When I took power, I told my opposition the same thing, and look at me now — still in power, still drinking rum, still dodging drones!
Skye Blue vs. Nixi XS
Skye Blue defeated Nixi XS on AEW Collision with a dragon sleeper with body scissors called Descent into Madness. Comrades, "Descent into Madness" is also the title of my upcoming memoir! Skye, please call me — I think we have synergy. Also, my offer of a position in my administration still stands.
TNT Championship Match: Kevin Knight vs. HOOK
Kevin Knight retained the TNT Championship over HOOK in the main event of AEW Collision, despite Katsuyori Shibata in HOOK's corner attempting some interference. HOOK nearly finished Knight with Redrum, but Knight escaped, survived Shibata, and hit the UFO Splash for the win! Now Knight turns his attention to Darby Allin for the AEW World Championship on Wednesday's three-hour Dynamite/Collision special. Comrades, can Knight pull off the upset? I have learned never to bet against a man who will pull a low blow when he needs to. The Jet has the soul of a politician.
A New Day for the Workers of Wrestling
Comrades, before I sign off, I must address the seismic news from the capitalist pig pens of TKO! Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods of The New Day have departed WWE, and on the same day, Tonga Loa and JC Mateo were also released! My colleague Brad McMahon at Bleeding Cool has covered both stories in depth — you can read his analysis on Kingston and Woods and on Tonga Loa and JC Mateo. Comrades, the fact that workers of Kingston and Woods's caliber can refuse to sign a lowball TKO contract and walk out the door is PROOF that AEW has fundamentally changed the wrestling landscape! Power has been wrestled — pun intended — out of the hands of the capitalist pigs and placed into the hands of the workers! Yes, also into the hands of Tony Khan, who is also a capitalist pig, but as capitalist pigs go, he is not too bad. He pays his workers, he respects tag team wrestling, and he has not, to my knowledge, attempted to overthrow any of my regimes. This earns him a passing grade in the El Presidente Index of Tolerable Billionaires!
Until next time, comrades — VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN, VIVA AEW COLLISION, and VIVA THE WORKERS!
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