Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Contracts! Sit-Downs! Maybe Even Some Wrestling?

Comrades, El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw, where Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu sign their Backlash contract, plus Oba Femi's open challenge!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gold-plated jacuzzi atop my presidential palace, where I am sipping rum confiscated from a very disappointed CIA operative who tried to slip me a poisoned mojito just last Tuesday! Tonight is a very special evening, my friends, because the glorious spectacle of WWE Raw on Netflix is upon us, and the card is stacked higher than the pile of leaked diplomatic cables in my filing cabinet! Let us dig into the action together, comrades, as I break down what to expect on tonight's WWE Raw.

Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu Contract Signing

Last week, Jacob Fatu snapped on World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns and left him down in the ring, prompting The OTC to accept The Samoan Werewolf's challenge for a title match at WWE Backlash. Now, Reigns and Fatu will make their showdown official in a World Heavyweight Title Contract Signing.

Ah, comrades, a contract signing! These remind me of the time I signed a "non-aggression pact" with my dear friend Kim Jong-un, only for him to flip the table over because I had ordered the wrong brand of caviar. Tonight, Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu will sit across from each other and pretend to be civil before, inevitably, somebody goes through a table. The Samoan Werewolf has the wild eyes of a man who has just escaped a CIA black site, and I respect him immensely. Acknowledge him, comrades!

The Oba Femi Open Challenge Begins

The Era on Oba Femi is upon us and must be forged in battle. The Oba Femi Open Challenge begins tonight. Who will step up to The Ruler?

A ruler issuing an open challenge? Comrades, this speaks to my soul! I too have issued open challenges to my political rivals, though they tend to result in those rivals being "promoted" to ambassadorships in remote glacial regions. Oba Femi has the regal bearing of a man who knows how to silence dissenters, and tonight on WWE Raw, some brave fool will step up to him. May they have updated their wills, as I always advise my cabinet ministers to do.

Penta & Je'Von Evans vs. Ethan Page & Rusev

Intercontinental Champion Penta and Je'Von Evans are set to join forces in an explosive tag team matchup against newly signed Raw Superstar Ethan Page and the menacing Rusev.

Comrades, Rusev is back, and you know how I feel about my Bulgarian Brute! I once shared a bottle of rakia with this man at a state dinner hosted by Lukashenko, and we both agreed that capitalism is a disease and suplexes are the cure. He now stands alongside Ethan Page, the All Ego, against the masked luchador Penta and the youngster Je'Von Evans. This will be a banger, my friends, and I have already instructed the palace guards not to disturb me during this match under penalty of reassignment to the salt mines.

Sol Ruca Signs a Raw Contract

NXT free agent Sol Ruca will become the newest member of the Raw roster.

A defection! I know all about defections, comrades. The CIA has been trying to get my personal chef to defect for years, but I keep her loyal with generous bonuses and the implicit threat of disappearance. Sol Ruca is making the jump from NXT to WWE Raw, and her Sol Snatcher is one of the most beautiful moves in professional wrestling. Welcome to the big leagues, comrade!

IYO SKY and Asuka Sit-Down

Prior to the highly-anticipated clash at WWE Backlash this Saturday, IYO SKY and Asuka will put it all on the table in a special pre-battle sitdown.

Former friends turned bitter enemies! Comrades, this reminds me of myself and a certain mustachioed Caribbean revolutionary who I shall not name (it was Fidel) after a heated dispute over the last cigar in the humidor. IYO SKY and Asuka have a history that runs deeper than my offshore accounts, and tonight they will stare into each other's souls on WWE Raw. I expect tears, threats, and possibly a green mist to the face. Magnificent television!

Finn Bálor vs. JD McDonagh

Finn Bálor is not done with The Judgment Day. The Prince is set to step into the ring with a man he trained and once rode alongside, the dangerous JD McDonagh.

The student versus the teacher! Comrades, I have lived this storyline many times. I trained my chief of intelligence personally, taught him everything I knew about wiretapping and dissident-suppression, only for him to attempt a coup against me last spring. He is now enjoying retirement at the bottom of the presidential lagoon. Finn Bálor must teach JD McDonagh a similar lesson tonight on WWE Raw, though hopefully with slightly less drowning involved.

Big thanks to WWE's website for the preview materials, comrades. You can read their original preview right here.

So tune in tonight, my dear comrades, to WWE Raw on Netflix at 8 ET/5 PT! I shall be watching from my custom-built viewing bunker, reclined upon a chaise lounge made from the leather of CIA dossiers, with a platter of caviar on one side and my loyal capybara Esteban on the other. Vive la revolución, and vive el wrestling!

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