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El Presidente reviews WWE Raw, comrades! Jacob Fatu destroys Roman Reigns, Asuka bids farewell to IYO SKY, and Oba Femi kidnaps Los Garza. Viva la revolución!
Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw
WWE Raw Review: Backlash Go-Home Show Ends With Roman Crushed
Comrades, El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from his luxury submarine! Jacob Fatu lays out Roman Reigns AGAIN, Bron Breakker spears Seth Rollins twice, and more!
Article Summary
- Comrades, WWE Raw opened in chaos as Bron Breakker speared Seth Rollins twice like a state coup with better timing.
- Jacob Fatu crushed Roman Reigns again at the WWE Raw contract signing, leaving Backlash smelling like glorious upheaval.
- Roxanne Perez proved Judgment Day loyalty, Sol Ruca rocked Becky Lynch, and Asuka blasted IYO SKY with blue mist.
- Oba Femi flattened Otis, Rusev helped pin Penta, and El Presidente salutes WWE Raw when it serves the people.
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the captain's quarters of my newly commissioned luxury submarine, the Esteban's Revenge, currently submerged somewhere in international waters where the CIA's sonar cannot find me! My loyal capybara Esteban is curled up beside me on a velvet cushion stuffed with the shredded paperwork of three failed coup attempts, and we have just finished watching WWE Raw on Netflix from last night in Omaha, Nebraska. What a show it was, comrades! The final WWE Raw before Backlash delivered chaos, betrayals, blue mist, and a contract signing that ended exactly the way every contract signing I have ever attended has ended — with a man being driven through a table. Let us begin, my friends!
Bron Breakker Attacks Seth Rollins (For The First Time)
After Roman Reigns stormed into the building looking for Jacob Fatu and had a brief "you're in my way" moment with Seth Rollins, Rollins headed to the ring only to be ambushed from behind by Bron Breakker. Comrades, Breakker threw Rollins around like I throw out unfavorable election results — into the barricade, into the steps, and finally a spear in the ring. This reminds me of the time my dear friend Bashar al-Assad ambushed me at a state dinner because I took the last piece of baklava. Brutal, but fair.
Roxanne Perez Proves Her Loyalty to Judgment Day
In the Judgment Day clubhouse, Liv Morgan grilled Roxanne Perez about her chat with Finn Bálor last week. Roxanne assured Liv she was loyal, and comrades, in my line of work, when someone has to assure you they are loyal, you start the paperwork to have them disappeared. Then in the actual match, Roxanne whacked Bálor in the throat with the ring bell hammer, allowing JD McDonagh to pick up the win. Comrades, this is the wrestling equivalent of a loyalty oath signed in someone else's blood. Magnificent!
Penta & Je'Von Evans vs. Ethan Page & Rusev
My beloved Bulgarian Brute Rusev and Ethan Page defeated Penta and Je'Von Evans in a match that saw Rusev drive Penta onto the announce table like a CIA operative being thrown out of my embassy. Page hit a fisherman's suplex on the Intercontinental Champion for the win. Comrades, pinning the champion in a non-title match is the wrestling equivalent of a soft coup, and I should know — I have authored seventeen of them.
Sol Ruca Signs With Raw and Annoys Becky Lynch
Sol Ruca officially signed with the WWE Raw roster, only to be interrupted by Becky Lynch, who was upset that the segment was not about her. Ruca, with the boldness of a young revolutionary, called Becky rude and big-headed, then hit her with the Sol Snatcher, or tried to at least. Now, comrades, I have heard whispers that, since the move did not go perfectly smoothly on live television, WWE quietly edited the highlight reel afterward. This is something I deeply respect — I, too, have a team of editors who fix my live appearances. Last month they removed an entire revolution from the historical record! Welcome to the big leagues, Comrade Ruca.
Joe Hendry vs. Austin Theory
Joe Hendry got the crowd to sing "Paul, Paul, can we fire Logan Paul?" which is a chant I will be teaching my palace guards immediately. Hendry won by disqualification when Logan Paul attacked him during his match with Austin Theory. The Street Profits ran in for the save, then Bron Breakker showed up, and then Seth Rollins showed up, and then Montez Ford's dive accidentally distracted Rollins, allowing Breakker to spear him AGAIN. Comrades, that is twice in one night Rollins ate a spear. WWE is booking Breakker the way I book my own military parades — overwhelming, unstoppable, and frankly excessive.
Oba Femi Open Challenge: Otis Answers
Oba Femi's open challenge continued, and after some teasing from Alpha Academy, it was Otis who stepped up. Femi crushed him with the Fall From Grace. Comrades, this is the correct way to book a monster open challenge — feed him a beloved big man who is never going to escape the midcard and have him win convincingly. Oba Femi has the regal aura of a man who could absolutely stage a successful coup, and I would back him financially. Esteban approves as well.
IYO SKY and Asuka Sit-Down
IYO SKY and Asuka sat down with Adam Pearce to discuss their feelings before Backlash, and comrades, I called this one in the preview! Asuka called IYO her biggest disappointment, said she was cutting her out of her life, and then SPIT BLUE MIST INTO HER FACE. This is exactly how I broke up with my fourth wife, except the mist was tear gas and the mediator was a UN peacekeeper.
Original El Grande Americano & The Creed Brothers vs. El Grande Americano & Los Americanos
Original El Grande Americano and The Creed Brothers defeated El Grande Americano and Los Americanos in a match designed to build heat for the Mask vs. Mask Match at AAA Noche De Los Grandes. Comrades, two men claiming to be the real "Americano" feels like a CIA psychological operation, and I demand a Senate inquiry.
Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu Contract Signing
In the main event of WWE Raw, Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu signed their contract for the World Heavyweight Championship match at Backlash. Reigns told Fatu that while they are equals as family, Fatu is beneath him in the ring. Fatu responded by saying he would do anything for his household, then applied the Tongan Death Grip and drove Reigns through the table for the SECOND week in a row. Comrades, when a challenger lays out the champion two weeks running, that is what we in the dictator business call "writing on the wall." I once warned Manuel Noriega to read the writing on the wall, and he did not, and now he is in a history book and I am in a luxury submarine. The lesson is clear, Roman.
Final Thoughts
This was a strong go-home WWE Raw, comrades. Bron Breakker looked like a million bucks, Jacob Fatu looked like he might actually take the title (though he probably won't), Sol Ruca made an immediate impression (mostly), Roxanne Perez committed to the dark side, and Oba Femi continued what I hope becomes a weekly tradition of squashing brave fools. The capitalist pigs in the front office occasionally get things right, and last night was one of those nights. Now if only the wrestlers would seize the means of production instead of taking pay cuts, we would really have something special!
Until next time, comrades — viva la revolución, and viva la lucha!
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