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The revolution begins as Shelton Benjamin tells Hulk Hogan to keep his name out of his mouth! El Presidente reports on this glorious uprising against Hulkamania!
Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, Wrestlemania, wrestling
John Cena Reveals Fan Bullying Drove Him to Get Hair Transplant
Comrades! John Cena, fresh off stealing Cody's WWE title, admits fans bullied him into hair transplant surgery! The bald truth will shock you!
Article Summary
- John Cena blames fan bullying for hair transplant, revealing sensitive follicles beneath tough muscles, comrades!
- Cena conquers Cody Rhodes at WrestleMania 41, breaking Ric Flair’s record like I break election laws—gloriously!
- Our new WWE champion embraces villainy, vowing to retire with the title and destroy wrestling tradition forever!
- Just as socialism can’t fix baldness, Cena uses heel antics and new hair to fuel his most diabolical run yet!
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury presidential bunker where I am currently hiding from the American CIA agents who are disguised as my gardening staff! They think I don't notice them speaking into their wristwatches while trimming the hedges, but El Presidente sees all!
Today, I bring you momentous news from the world of professional wrestling, where my good friend John Cena has not only shocked the world by capturing the WWE Championship from Cody Rhodes in the main event of WrestleMania 41, but has also revealed something even more stunning – he got a hair transplant, comrades!
Yes, the now 17-time world champion (breaking Ric Flair's record, much like how I broke the record for "Most Consecutive Terms as Democratically Elected Leader" in my glorious nation) appeared on the Pat McAfee Show today and revealed that the fans' relentless mockery of his thinning hair drove him to undergo the procedure.
According to Fightful's transcription, Cena told McAfee: "It's coming in. I listen to you idiots, I do. You have to take the ones from the side and plug them in on top. It just takes a while to come in. It's coming in. Hopefully, in a couple of months it looks better. There's another headline. Hair transplant."
This reminds me of the time my dear friend Vladimir Putin suggested I consider getting hair plugs after seeing my bald spot during our annual shirtless horseback riding competition. I told him, "Vlad, in socialism, we share everything – except hair follicles!" We had a good laugh before plotting to disrupt various democratic elections.
But back to Cena, comrades! The new WWE Champion was quite emotional about the bullying he received from fans. "You guys ripped me to shreds for genetic problem that I can't control," Cena said. "'You don't look good enough out there.' You guys aren't cool to me."
Cena continued his rant: "That is straight-up bullying and not cool. Thank you for bullying me into getting surgical hair replacement. That's how far y'all pushed me."
This situation reminds me of the brutal mockery I received from the American CIA when I attempted to grow a mustache like my idol Joseph Stalin. Their propaganda leaflets featuring my patchy facial hair were most unkind, comrades!
The timing of Cena's revelation couldn't be more perfect as it comes after his shocking heel turn and championship victory. After winning the Elimination Chamber earlier this year, Cena betrayed Cody Rhodes and has now fully embraced the dark side, promising to "ruin wrestling" and retire with the WWE Championship belt, effectively ending its lineage and forcing WWE to create a new world title.
This is a diabolical plan that even I, a seasoned dictator, find impressively vindictive! It's like when I threatened to withhold all banana exports unless Netflix renewed my favorite show for another season. Sometimes you must use your power to settle personal scores, comrades!
Cena's transformation from beloved babyface to follicle-challenged villain has been fascinating to watch. After years of being divided on Cena with the famous "Let's go Cena/Cena sucks" chants, fans must now contend with a fully heel Cena who is channeling a decade of resentment into his new character.
Tonight on WWE Raw, Cena will undoubtedly continue to revel in his new role as he addresses the WWE Universe for the first time as champion. I, for one, am excited to see how this plays out, almost as excited as I was when I successfully rigged my country's national hot dog eating contest in my favor for the seventeenth consecutive year!
What makes this situation particularly interesting is how Cena has intertwined his real-life insecurities about his hair with his heel character. By blaming fans for bullying him into getting a hair transplant, he's found the perfect fuel for his villainous turn. This is brilliant storytelling, comrades, much like how I rewrote all our nation's history books to make myself the inventor of both pizza and the high-five!
Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente saying: whether you're overthrowing a democratically elected government or just getting hair plugs, always do it with style! And remember, socialism is the answer to all problems – except male pattern baldness! That requires capitalist medical technology, unfortunately!
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