Greetings, comrades! It is I, you El Presidente, reporting to you live from the Trump Impeachment Saturday brunch. Lindsey Graham has been hitting the mimosas hard, and now he's talking about how it was probably Nancy Pelosi who incited the insurrection. Lindsey! Sit down! You are white girl wasted, comrade! Haw haw haw! He's such a card. Anyway, amigos, Sami Zayn's documentary film crew has revealed shocking footage that shows just how close Zayn came to being assaulted by Rey Mysterio and Dominik Mysterio backstage on Smackdown last night.
In the footage, which Zayn's team released on WWE's YouTube channel, the mysterious approach Zayn after he and Baron Corbin won a tag team match earlier in the show granting Zayn and Corbin a spot in the upcoming Elimination Chamber match, the winner of which will go on to face Roman Reigns at that same PPV for the Universal Championship. For
"Calm down, bud! There's nothing to settle," Zayn can be heard telling Rey Mysterio, who is irate over losing the match. When Mysterio demands that Zayn act like a man, Zayn, clearly looking to avoid confrontation and enjoy a safe and violence-free backstage work environment, responds that "we're men in the ring. We're not men backstage."
Zayn's commitment to nonviolence backstage is admirable, comrades. The workers of the world toil enough just to enrich the capitalists. There is no reason they should be at each other's throats backstage, which just perpetuates the cultural hegemony of Vince McMahons and other members of wrestling's ruling class.
"Just stay away from me," Zayn, a consummate professional, warns the Mysterios. "Don't try to accost me backstage again or I'll sue ya. You'll hear from my legal team."
Watch the footage below, comrades. Until next time: socialism or death.