Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

WWE Dumps Developmental Talent Ahead of Crown Jewel Perth

El Presidente reports on WWE releasing developmental talent before Crown Jewel: Perth, and shares inspiring comeback stories from dictators throughout history.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret bunker beneath a gold-plated wrestling ring in an undisclosed location, where I am currently hosting a view party for the WWE Crown Jewel Perth spectacular. Nothing says "prestigious wrestling event" quite like having to wake up at dawn like a peasant farmer, am I right, comrades?

But while we enjoy the pageantry of grown men and women pretending to fight each other in Australia, we must address some somber news that broke late Friday evening, following a pre-recorded episode of WWE SmackDown. According to reports from comrade Cory Hayes at Bodyslam.net and confirmed by the ever-reliable Sean Ross Sapp of Fightful (a man whose sources are more numerous than my Swiss bank accounts), WWE has released a significant number of developmental talents from their system.

The departed comrades include Wes Lee, Stevie Turner, Lance Anoa'i, Jin Tala, Drako Knox, Haze Jameson, Summer Sorrell, BJ Ray, and Jamar Hampton. Additionally, earlier this week, Kylie Rae announced that her WWE ID contract was not renewed, while Zayda Steel posted on social media that she chose not to renew hers. Whether more names will follow remains as unclear as the CIA's reasons for attempting to poison my morning café con leche seventeen times last month alone.

Now, comrades, I know what you are thinking. "El Presidente, this is terrible news! These talented performers are now without employment!" And yes, you are correct to feel sympathy for these warriors of the squared circle. To all the released talent, El Presidente wishes you nothing but success in your future endeavors, wherever they may take you. The wrestling world is vast, and there are many promotions that would be lucky to have your talents grace their rings.

But let me tell you something I learned during my weekly dominoes game with Fidel Castro (may he rest in revolutionary peace): setbacks are merely setups for comebacks, comrades! History is filled with glorious examples of leaders who faced devastating defeats, only to rise again like a phoenix from the ashes of their burned-out presidential palaces!

Take Napoleon Bonaparte, for instance! That magnificent short king was exiled to Elba in 1814, seemingly finished forever. Did he accept defeat? No! He escaped, returned to France, and ruled for another hundred days before… well, okay, he got exiled again to an even more remote island, but those hundred days were SPECTACULAR, comrades! The point is, he made a comeback!

Or consider Richard Nixon, who lost the 1960 presidential election to JFK and seemingly retired from politics after losing the California gubernatorial race in 1962, telling the press they wouldn't "have Nixon to kick around anymore." But did he stay down? Absolutely not! He came back to win the presidency in 1968! Sure, he later had to resign in disgrace over that whole Watergate thing, but still – what a comeback story!

And speaking of comebacks, let me tell you about the time I was discussing this very topic with Che Guevara himself over mojitos in Havana. He was telling me about his plans to spread revolution to Bolivia and how even if he faced setbacks, he would always return to fight another day, just like when he—well, comrades, things technically didn't go so well for Che in Bolivia, but despite the rumors of his demise, Guevara went on to have a successful second career as the lead singer of classic rock band Rage Against the Machine. So sometimes, these stories do have happy endings.

An even better example is WWE Hall of Famer Muhammad Ali, who was stripped of his heavyweight boxing championship and banned from the sport for refusing to be drafted into the Vietnam War. Three years later, he returned to reclaim his throne! Or Stunning Steve Austin, who was fired from WCW when the company didn't think he'd ever go anywhere in the business, only to become the biggest star in WWE history!

If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: they can take away your developmental contract, but they cannot take away your ability to perform a perfect hurricanrana! These talented individuals have been training at WWE facilities, learning from the best in the business. That experience is invaluable, comrades, and it will serve them well wherever they land next.

Whether it's AEW, New Japan Pro Wrestling, TNA, the independent circuit, or even starting their own socialist wrestling collective where the means of production—I mean, the booking decisions—are controlled by the workers themselves, these performers have bright futures ahead of them. The wrestling business is cyclical, and today's released developmental talent could be tomorrow's main event star at WrestleMania! Or, at the very least, "What is Drake Knocks doing in the Impact Zone?!"

And let us not forget, comrades, that some of WWE's biggest stars were once released themselves! Drew McIntyre was future endeavored in 2014, only to return and become WWE Champion! Cody Rhodes left the company, co-founded their biggest competitor, and returned to… eventually… finish his story and become one of the biggest babyfaces in wrestling history.

To all the released talent: El Presidente salutes you and wishes you the very best in your future endeavors. May your moves be crisp, your promos be fire, and may you never have to take a back body drop from capitalism again!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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