WWE Makes It Official with Jade Cargill, Even Lets Her Keep Her Name
Comrades! WWE signs Jade Cargill, confirming dirt sheet rumors months in the making, but then attributes the scoop to ESPN. Join our wrestling media revolt.
Greetings, comrades! Your beloved El Presidente is writing this steamy piece of insider news whilst sipping mojitos on a gold-plated yacht off the coast of undisclosed waters—keeping a wary eye for seaborne invasions by the CIA. Today, I ruminate, muse, and jest about the grand parade of powerhouses we know as professional wrestling. WWE confirmed via press release that they have signed Jade Cargill to a multi-year contract. Now, pay attention, comrades, to the irony because, despite the salivating headlines spewed by ESPN today, your humble dictator has been privy to this clandestine move for weeks—thanks to my undercover wrestling informants. Unfortunately, once again, the CIA interfered, blocking my reports in order to prop up the American sports media imperialist hegemony.
Ah, Jade Cargill, a name that reminds me of an escapade with Fidel Castro involving a Jade statue, a case of Cuban cigars, and a rather cheeky CIA operative—we really must stop meeting like that. But coming back to Jade Cargill, our comrade was a dazzling star in AEW. She started with an enviable undefeated streak, bustling with potential, and charisma that would put my beloved luchadors to shame. Then came her monumental reign as the inaugural TBS champion, a rein so titanic that even Minsk's winter seemed warm. This laurel-clad sojourn, comrades, lasted until May when she valiantly dropped the title to Kris Statlander. Having had a taste of gold, the fiery Cargill came back earlier this month for a rematch. This time again, however, the odds were not in her favor, and following her defeat, Cargill decided to swap AEW's ring for WWE's.
Now, comrades, I respect a good defection. I've seen more defectors in my time than the number of title changes during WWE's Attitude Era. But I must chide WWE's broadcasting, where they masquerade predictable twists and turns as groundbreaking revelations. It's a delightful charade, as unpredictable as a CIA Black Ops mission briefing. Yes, comrades, the spectacle of Cargill vaulting from AEW to WWE has been making the rounds in the hushed whispers and scribbled notes of the dirt sheets for months, but just like pro wrestling, the news media is mostly kayfabe, so WWE's press release credits ESPN with the scoop. Haw haw haw haw!
In closing, I wish Jade Cargill every ounce of success in her new venture over at WWE. She has shown a talent for athleticism, a flair for theatrics, and an instinct for survival – reminding me of a hilarious night of thumb wrestling with Kim Jong-un. While the bourgeois suits at ESPN may claim to be breaking this news, remember, comrades – El Presidente heard it first providing you, as always, with the true proletarian pulse of professional wrestling. Viva La Lucha!