Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Raw, recaps, wrestling, wwe

WWE Raw: Birthday Parties, Spelling Bees, Weigh-Ins, & Psychotherapy

There's less than one week to go until the Royal Rumble, which means time is a valuable commodity. But that didn't seem to matter to WWE on Monday as the Rumble go-home episode of WWE Raw meandered through three hours of sleep-inducing mediocrity that included a weigh-in, a spelling bee, a birthday celebration, and a psycho-therapy session.

WWE Raw opened with a weigh-in for Lashley vs. Lesnar that actually went well, if it was a real weigh-in. Both competitors got weighed, talked some trash, and left. Of course, this is wrestling, so what we wanted was for someone to pick up that gimmicked scale and hit their opponent with it. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

RKBro and Alpha Academy faced off in a spelling bee. Yes, a spelling bee. It was seemingly rigged toward RKBro. As with all the best spelling bees, it led to a match between Randy Orton and Chad Gable, which Orton of course won, giving RKBro the right to challenge Alpha Academy to another dumb event on WWE Raw next week: a scooter race.

Alexa Bliss continued to "let things play out" with a therapy session for the third week in a row, talking about how her stupid doll Lily helped her get past bullying by murdering children when was a kid. The segment just cut off with Bliss still talking. WWE, when people say they want long-term storytelling, this is not what they mean.

Becky Lynch and Doudrop talked some trash in an interview that devolved into violence in what was probably the most traditional feud advancement on WWE Raw this week.

And finally, for the main event of WWE Raw, The Miz hosted a birthday celebration for his wife, Maryse. Of course, there was a big human-sized gift in the ring, but it was a swerve to make people think that Edge and Beth Phoenix would come out of it, only for them to come out the normal entrance later. It also featured Miz singing Happy Birthday to Maryse terribly before Edge and Beth came out, beat up the security guards, and wrecked the set as Miz and Maryse ran away.

And yes, WWE Raw technically also featured some matches, not that the outcomes of them mattered. Bianca Belair beat Queen Zelina, who may have a crown, but is still a jobber to the stars.

Damian Priest got his win back on Kevin Owens, who beat Priest in a non-title match by faking an inury last week on WWE Raw, by getting himself purposely disqualified this week to retain the title.

Nikki Ash and Rhea Ripley advanced their feud with a six-woman tag match where the entrances and pre-match promos were longer than the actual match as the background.

In the best match of WWE Raw this week, AJ Styles beat Austin Theory.

The Mysterios beat the Street Profits in a tag team match that existed solely for the purpose of allowing everyone to throw each other out of the ring to promote the Rumble. Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode got involved in the fun too.

Was WWE Raw worth three hours of time to watch this week? No. Did it make me want to watch the Royal Rumble any more than I already did? Well, no, but it's the Rumble, which kinda sells itself. WWE is at a low point in creativity right now and there's no sign they have any intention of pulling out of it any time soon. The time between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania is usually the best part of the year for WWE, and I'm sure things will pick up a bit over the next few months, but I shudder to think of how bad the post-Mania slump is gonna be this year. The Royal Rumble PPV streams on Peacock and WWE Network this Saturday.

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