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WWE Raw Recap: Did Randy Orton Burn Alexa Bliss Alive?!

It's time to recap the last Raw of 2020, which is fitting, because I don't really know what was worse: the year, or Raw. Now it's time to look forward to 2021 and the Royal Rumble, traditionally the beginning of the best part of the year for WWE.

WWE Raw Recap for December 28th, 2020

"It's Monday and you know what that means," Tom Phillips says to kick off Raw, which was preceded by a memorial graphic for the late Jon Huber, aka Brodie Lee, aka Luke Harper. Drew McIntyre then heads to the ring topless in a skirt and surrounded by shitloads of pyro.

Promo: Drew McIntyre

"It's Monday. You know what that means," McIntyre says, ripping off Tom Phillips. "It's time for Monday Night Raw. The last Raw of 2020." McIntyre recaps his various triumphs of the past year and thanks the fans for a great 2020. Now there's a sentiment we can all appreciate. McIntyre promotes next week's Legends Raw where he'll defend the WWE Championship against either Keith Lee or Sheamus.

Sheamus comes to the ring topless and in his underwear. They discuss their fifteen-year bromance and how much they hope to face each other next week. Sheamus says he's gonna kick Keith Lee's ass tonight. Keith Lee comes out, who is expressly forbidden by Vince McMahon to appear topless, and recites poetry to Sheamus. Sheamus shouts at him in return.

Match: Sheamus vs. Keith Lee

McIntyre suggests they have the match right now, and no matter who wins, he'll be victorious next week. Sheamus kicks Lee in the head while McIntyre is talking trash to him and Raw takes a commercial break. Raw returns and they have a long-ass match. Everything on Raw is stretched out about three times as long as it needs to be because WWE pads Raw's three hours every week in the same way I pad clickbait articles to hit minimum word requirements. But in any case, Keith Lee wins with a Spirit Bomb.

Winner: Keith Lee

Those remedial wrestling lessons Vince McMahon made Keith Lee go to must have worked because Keith Lee managed to have a pretty good match with Sheamus.

Elias plays acoustic guitar backstage on a set that appears to be made to look like a teenager's bedroom while Jaxson Ryker sits on the bed and nods along.

Match: Miz vs. Gran Metalik

While Lucha House Party head to the ring, Lince Dorado cuts a promo about being a furry. Miz and Gran Metalik have a match and it's as exciting as you think it is. Gran Metalik pins the Miz, but no one looks good here because the story is that Miz has hit rock bottom because he lost to Gran Metalik.

Winner: Nobody

AJ Styles and Olmos barge into Elias's bedroom and complain about all the noise he's making with his rock and roll music. Elias tells him to chill out, man, but Styles challenges Elias to a match and threatens to break his fingers so he can never play that devil music again.

Dana Brooke vs. Shayna Baszler

Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke head to the ring. Shayna Baszler heads out. Baszler and Brooke have a match in which Baszler makes Brooke tap out.

Winner: Shayna Baszler

Then she chokes out Mandy after the match for good measure.

Alexa's Playground

Alexa Bliss does her new thing, which is to swing back and forth on an oversized swing set and invite Randy Orton to come and play with her.

But as it turns out, Randy Orton is in the Firefly Funhouse. He starts assaulting the puppets. as Alexa looks on in horror. He rips Rabling Rabbit in half. Alexa challenges Orton to get in the ring with her later tonight. Orton scoffs. He literally lit The Fiend on fire and burned him to death (and for some reason was not arrested immediately). There's no way The Fiend will return to save her.

Interview: Charlotte Flair

Charly Caruso asks Charlotte Flair if she's ready to get in the ring with Nia Jax. Charlotte says she's like 75% sure she can get through it without a major injury. Charly asks her about her New Years resolutions. Charlotte says she's gonna dominate the main event scene. Asuka shows up and gives Charlotte her catchphrase.

Match: AJ Styles vs. Elias

AJ Styles and Jaxson Ryker have a match. While I appreciate that this feud is basically the plot of an eighties movie, there's really no need for this match to go on as long as it does. Eventually, Styles wins with the Phenomenal Forearm.

Winner: AJ Styles

But Elias will live to rock another day.

Ricochet vs. Mustafa Ali

Ricochet debuts his new gimmick of not wanting to be a jobber anymore. Retribution head to the ring, ready to fulfill their mission of making all the fans watching the show vomit from the camera violently zooming in and out. Mustafa Ali really aggressively tries to recruit Ricochet. They have a match that's pretty much nonstop action and multiple career-threatening stunts. Ricochet fends off all of Retribution single-handedly at one point, but ultimately gets choked out by Ali.

Winner: Mustafa Ali

After the match, Mustafa Ali again makes a pitch for Ricochet to join their group. Ricochet is like "I will join Retribution… NOT!" and sucker-kicks Mustafa Ali and then runs away. Ricochet says being a jobber in WWE is what gives him strength.

Interview: Nia Jax

Charly Caruso interviews Nia Jax about Charlotte Flair. Jax lists her New Years' resolutions. End Charlotte. Get the tag titles back. Enter the Royal Rumble and win. Win the Women's Championship. Shayna says she's gonna do that too.

Interview: Drew McIntyre

Charly Caruso asks Drew McIntyre about his match with Keith Lee at Raw Legends Night. McIntyre says Lee has improved since Vince sent him back to wrestling class. But Drew is still gonna win next week.

Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax

Charlotte Flair heads to the ring with her sidekick, Raw Women's Champion Asuka. Nia Jax heads to the ring with her tag team partner, Shayna Baszler. They have a match that ends indecisively when Baszler interferes because Flair has the Figure Four on Jax.

Winner: Charlotte Flair by DQ

Hurt Business bully a nerd backstage until he passes out.

Interview: Angel Garza

Charly Caruso asks Angel Garza about his first year on WWE Raw. Garza says he's going cougar hunting on Legends Night next week. Charly asks him who the rose he has tonight is for, but R-Truth and a parade of jobbers run through with the 24/7 title and trample the rose. Garza gives Charly the broken rose.

New Day, Jeff Hardy, and "Riddle" vs. Hurt Business

The New Day and the Hardy Broz party backstage. "Riddle" has a four-person team name suggestion: The Little Bronies. New Day don't like that one. He suggests Postively Hard Broz and the New Day escape by starting the entrances before this violates the PG rating. Hurt Business walk slowly to the ring while cutting promo in which Bobby Lashley enters the men's Royal Rumble match. After Hurt Business finally get to the ring, we have our last meaningless eight-man tag match on Raw of 2020. Like 2020 itself, it sucks and goes on too long. Hardy taps out to the Hurt Lock.

Winners: Hurt Business

Sitting on some stairs leading to the stands, John Morrison consoles The Miz over losing to Gran Metalik earlier, which was The Miz's rock bottom. Adam Pearce walks up and returns the MOney in the Bank briefcase to The Miz. It turns out Miz was right that since Morrison cashed in the briefcase, it wasn't legal and The Miz gets it back. Pearce wishes them a happy holidays. They dance up and down the stairs.

Main Event?

Alexa Bliss heads to the ring. Randy Orton comes out and demands to know where the Fiend is. Alexa says it's not about The Fiend. It's about her. She gets a wrapped package from ringside and brings it to the middle of the ring. She opens it. Inside is a gas can and a box of matches. She puts them at Randy's feet, kicks the box out of the ring, and challenges Orton to do to Alexa what he did to The Fiend. She lays down in the middle of the ring. Orton doesn't do it so she gets the gas can and pours a trail from herself to him. She goads him some more, but Orton won't do it. So she calls him a "little bitch." She pours gas all over her head. Orton says he'd like to do it but he doesn't want to do it if she wants him to do it to her. He starts yelling at her and the lights slowly go out. Orton lights up a match and the lights go out again and Raw goes off the air.

Final Thoughts on WWE Raw

Much like 2020, Raw was really tough to get through. Hopefully 2021 proves better for both the world and for WWE.

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