Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Clears the Table After Worst WrestleMania Ever

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw after WrestleMania 42, kicking off a new day and a chance to course-correct with nary a Jelly Roll to be found.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a gold-plated yacht that I definitely did not seize from a fleeing oligarch in the middle of the Caribbean, and I have got a full review of last night's WWE Raw — the much-anticipated Raw after WrestleMania — for you today! Grab your state-issued snacks and settle in, because this was a packed show, and your El Presidente watched every minute of it while sipping rum with a parrot on my shoulder who I have named after Paul Heyman.

WrestleMania 42 Recap Package

WWE Raw opened the way all great television opens: by reminding you of the television you already watched. WWE aired a video package recapping WrestleMania 42, and I must say, it was very well produced. My old friend Fidel Castro used to do the same thing before his speeches — he would play a highlight reel of his previous speeches just so you remembered how great they were. It is an effective propaganda technique, comrades, and WWE has mastered it. Michael Cole and Corey Graves then set the stage for the rest of the night, promising appearances from Roman Reigns, Liv Morgan, and more. A fine appetizer before the main course.

Oba Femi Opens the Show

Oba Femi came to the ring in a suit looking like the man who just conquered a small nation — and believe me, comrades, I know what that looks like because I see it in the mirror every morning. After squashing Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, Oba declared "Your Ruler has arrived" and issued an open challenge to anyone on the roster. As a fellow ruler, I appreciate the confidence. When I conquered my first province, I also gave a speech in a nice suit. The difference is that nobody in my audience was allowed to leave. Oba's promo was short and to the point, which is more than I can say for most of the dictators I have brunch with.

Kabuki Warriors Video Package

Asuka and Kairi Sane cut a subtitled promo in Japanese where Asuka accused IYO SKY of choosing a fake family over her real family. This hit very close to home for me, comrades. My cousin Ernesto once said the same thing to me after I chose to attend a WCW pay-per-view instead of his wedding. He has not spoken to me since, but I regret nothing because his event features absolutely zero Bill Goldberg appearances.

Rhea Ripley & IYO SKY vs. The Kabuki Warriors

Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY teamed up to defeat Asuka and Kairi Sane in a tag team match that was very entertaining. SKY hit a beautiful dive on Asuka at ringside, Ripley dropped Sane with Riptide, and then SKY finished things off with Over the Moonsault. Afterward, Asuka knelt over Sane and yelled at her in Japanese, which reminded me of the time my Minister of Agriculture yelled at me in Spanish for accidentally nationalizing his personal garden. Some partnerships are just destined for conflict, comrades.

Ethan Page Debuts on Raw

Backstage, Adam Pearce congratulated Penta on retaining the Intercontinental Championship, and then Je'Von Evans said he wanted another shot. Before that could go anywhere, Ethan Page debuted on WWE Raw, mocked Evans for needing second chances, and Pearce booked them against each other. I admire Ethan Page's boldness. Walking into a new workplace and immediately picking a fight is exactly how I became President. Well, that and the tanks.

CM Punk and Cody Rhodes Share the Ring

This was the emotional heart of WWE Raw last night, comrades. CM Punk came to the ring and addressed his loss to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania. He spoke about all the losses in his life and said he was not going anywhere. Then Cody Rhodes interrupted, and the two had a very honest conversation about what it means to carry a championship and what it feels like to lose. Punk told Cody to keep being champion, repeated that title opportunities can fall out of the sky, and Cody stopped him on the way out and said, "Just say when."

Comrades, I will not lie to you — I got a little misty-eyed. This reminded me of the time my dear friend Hugo Chávez and I shared a bottle of wine on a rooftop in Caracas and discussed what it meant to carry the burden of leadership. Hugo told me, "El Presidente, the title is heavy, but the people make it light." Then we both cried and watched old Ric Flair matches until the sun came up. Punk and Cody had that same energy. Beautiful stuff, even if the CIA would probably classify this segment as "psychological operations designed to make grown men emotional."

Ethan Page vs. Je'Von Evans

Ethan Page picked up a win over Je'Von Evans in his first WWE Raw match, but it was not clean. Rusev interfered at ringside to distract Evans, allowing Page to hit Twisted Grin for the victory. After the match, Rusev attacked Evans and locked in The Accolade. Penta ran out to help but was also taken down. Rusev then posed with the Intercontinental Championship belt like he had won it, which is a very dictator move and I respect it enormously. In my country, we call this "liberating the title from its current holder through strategic alliance." The CIA calls it something else, but they are just jealous.

Liv Morgan Celebrates, Sol Ruca Interrupts

Liv Morgan came out with the Judgment Day to celebrate her WrestleMania Women's World Championship victory, calling herself the greatest women's champion of all time. Now, comrades, I have heard many people call themselves the greatest of all time. I do it every morning in the shower. But Liv's celebration was cut short by Sol Ruca, who congratulated her and then made it very clear she was coming for that title. Adam Pearce immediately booked a match.

Liv Morgan vs. Sol Ruca (Non-Title)

Liv Morgan defeated Sol Ruca in a non-title match, but once again, the victory came with an asterisk the size of my presidential palace. Ruca had Liv beat after the Sol Snatcher, but Zaria attacked her at ringside while the referee was distracted. Liv then hit Oblivion for the pin. Afterward, Stephanie Vaquer came out and confronted Liv near the stage, teasing future problems. The Judgment Day's strategy of having someone interfere in every match is honestly very relatable to me. When I run elections, I also make sure there is always someone at ringside to help with the finish.

Brock Lesnar Career Retrospective

WWE aired a beautiful career retrospective for Brock Lesnar set to Godsmack's "I Stand Alone," featuring comments from Heyman, Batista, JBL, Roman Reigns, Paul Levesque, Dana White, Steve Austin, Becky Lynch, John Cena, and Lesnar himself. The package ended with the image of Lesnar leaving his boots and gloves in the ring at WrestleMania. I am not ashamed to say I shed a tear, comrades. Brock Lesnar is what would happen if you put the spirit of a socialist revolution inside the body of a mountain, and I will miss him. My good friend Kim Jong-un texted me during this segment and simply wrote, "The Beast is at rest." Even dictators mourn, comrades.

Paul Heyman, Logan Paul, and Chaos Erupts

This was one of the wildest segments of the night on WWE Raw. Paul Heyman spoke emotionally about Lesnar, then introduced Bron Breakker as the man responsible for the "best assist" of WrestleMania weekend — his spear on Seth Rollins that helped Gunther retain. Logan Paul blamed IShowSpeed for costing his team. Breakker then cut a vicious promo saying Rollins was too weak and that he would keep coming after him.

Then Seth Rollins stormed in from behind with a steel chair and went after everyone. The Street Profits returned to even the odds and brawled with Logan and Austin Theory to the back. But Breakker came back bleeding from the back of his head, avoided a Stomp, hit Rollins with TWO spears, and delivered one of the most chilling promos of the night — promising to destroy Rollins until people only remembered him as a shell of himself.

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it is this: never turn your back on a man who is bleeding and angry. Bron Breakker is a problem, and I say this as someone who IS a problem for several international governing bodies.

Finn Bálor vs. JD McDonagh

The Judgment Day civil war continued as Finn Bálor defeated JD McDonagh with the Coup de Grace after a physical match. Both men's video packages before the match were excellent, with McDonagh saying the Finn Bálor everyone knew was dead, and Bálor saying he would take McDonagh out for his betrayal. After the match, Dominik Mysterio ran out and attacked Bálor. Bálor fought back and nearly hit Coup de Grace on Dom, but McDonagh pulled him to safety.

This Judgment Day breakup has more factions and shifting alliances than the last three coups I have been involved in, and I am absolutely here for it. As my friend Muammar Gaddafi once told me, "The best drama is when everyone in the group eventually turns on each other." He was talking about his cabinet, but it applies equally to professional wrestling stables.

Gunther and LA Knight Backstage

Jackie Redmond interviewed Gunther backstage, and the man was as smug as ever after beating Seth Rollins at WrestleMania. Then LA Knight stepped into frame and told Gunther that since he had help winning, it still counted as an L, and that he had his eyes on the World Heavyweight Championship. Knight told Gunther he would "see him around," which is exactly what I tell CIA agents when they show up at my compound pretending to be plumbers.

Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY Say Goodbye

In a genuinely touching backstage moment, Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY said goodbye as Ripley prepared to move to WWE SmackDown. Ripley told SKY to handle business on WWE Raw and be the champion the show needs. They hugged. Then Ripley ran into Liv Morgan backstage, and the two exchanged words that promised future conflict across brands. Comrades, the redistribution of talent across shows is something I support wholeheartedly. In my country, we call it "collectivizing the workforce for the benefit of all." In WWE, they call it the draft. Same principle, really.

Roman Reigns, The Usos, and Jacob Fatu Close the Show

The main event segment of WWE Raw was exactly what you would expect from the new-old Tribal Chief. Roman Reigns arrived backstage, linked up with Jimmy and Jey Uso, and made his entrance as World Heavyweight Champion with The Usos by his side. In the ring, Reigns spoke about trust, respect, love, and doing business as blood. Jimmy said Roman would always be their Tribal Chief.

But before the family reunion could be completed, Jacob Fatu interrupted. Fatu told Reigns he did not just want the title — he NEEDED it. He wanted everything Roman had and challenged him for Backlash. Reigns, unphased, told Fatu to think about whether he could handle the burden of the championship or the humiliation of acknowledging him if he lost. Reigns gave Fatu the rest of the week to think about it and left with The Usos.

Comrades, this is the kind of power move I live for. When someone challenges me for the presidency, I also give them a week to think about it. Most of them use that week to flee the country. Fatu does not seem like the fleeing type, though, so Backlash should be spectacular.

Final Thoughts

Overall, comrades, the Raw after WrestleMania delivered exactly what it needed to: fallout from the big weekend, new feuds being planted, emotional moments, and not sign of Jelly Roll. WWE Raw set the table nicely for the road to Backlash, with Roman vs. Fatu, Bron vs. Seth, the continuing Judgment Day implosion, and whatever Liv Morgan and her army of interference artists are cooking up.

Was it perfect? No. Was it entertaining? Sure. Was it better than the time I hosted a wrestling show in my presidential palace where the main event was two of my generals fighting over who got the corner office? Also no, because that show had real stakes and someone accidentally suplexed the Minister of Finance through my antique desk. But WWE Raw was more enjoyable than the pre-mania celebrity-obsessed downward spiral that culminated in one of the most poorly-received WrestleManias of all time, so this marks a major improvement.

Until next time, comrades, remember: the means of sports entertainment production belong to the people! Viva la wrestling!

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