As WWE Fastlane fast approaches, WWE remembers it better book some matches. Plus: what's going on with Apollo Crews? And: the return of Ding Dong, Hello! All in our recap of WWE Smackdown.
WWE Smackdown Results – March 6th, 2021
Michael Cole is in the ring to kick off the show, so you know this is serious. Daniel Bryan comes out, and then Cole explains everything that WWE has haphazardly booked in the last few weeks and then asks Daniel Bryan why on Earth he would prefer a WWE Championship shot instead of teaming with Edge at Fastlane. He says he wasn't just gonna go along with WWE's lousy and predictable WrestleMania plans, so he wants to win the title at Fastlane. And he has apparently prepared a professionally-produced WWE video recap package explaining why. He says he felt like a failure when his Elimination Chamber win was used as a plot twist in Edge's story. He's been putting over young stars too often instead of taking care of himself. He offers viewers the tantalizing alternative of a Daniel Bryan vs. Edge match at WrestleMania.
All of this will be a huge waste of time if Bryan doesn't win tonight.
Now Roman Reigns is in the ring with his crew. Roman chastises Bryan for trying to muscle in on Roman's gimmick of being ambitious. As good a babyface promo as Bryan cut before the commercials, Roman cuts just as good a heel promo about how Bryan needs the business, but the business needs Roman.
Uso talks some trash to Bryan and then goes for a cheap shot on him, but Bryan turns the tables and ejects him from the ring as Roman looks disgusted.
The Street Profits head to the ring and get ready to stand there throughout some commercials. Then Sami Zayn comes out and starts whining about the Street Profits beating him and Baron Corbin last week. Corbin comes out and tells Sami that he refuses to be his tag team partner because he's a singles competitor. He asks the Street Profits for a singles match. Ford agrees to fight Corbin, and Dawkins will fight Zayn. Sami doesn't consent to this, but no one cares.
Baron Corbin vs. Montez Ford
Ford and Corbin have a match. Corbin wins with interference from Sami.
Winner: King Corbin
Sami tells Corbin he owes him now, but Dawkins knocks Zayn into Corbin before the match, which causes Corbin to leave.
Sami Zayn vs. Angelo Dawkins
Zayn and Dawkins have a match. Dawkins wins when Ford distracts Zayn by shouting at his documentary crew.
Winner: Angelo Dawkins
Zayn accuses one of his cameramen of being in on the conspiracy against him and working with WWE. He beats the guy up.
Carmella fires Reginald and knocks a tray out his hand (and wine in his face) for his obsession with Sasha Banks.
A graphic advertises the return of Big E on WWE Smackdown next week.
Dominik Mysterio vs. Chad Gable
Decades from now, wrestling historians will talk about Dominik Mysterio vs. Chad Gable… as the perfect example of a match no one gives a shit about it. Dominik wins with a rollup.
Winner: Dominik Mysterio
Rey Mysterio hits a senton on Otis on the announce table before the Mysterios leave.
The Progressive Match Flo shows us Cesaro giving Seth Rollins the Cesaro Swing.
Kayla Braxton asks Seth, who is wearing a pink suit with no shirt… something or other. I can't stop looking at his outfit. Basically, he's gonna get revenge on Cesaro. Murphy appears. He offers his services to Rollins as a lackey again, but Rollins rejects him.
Shayna Baszler vs. Bianca Belair
Sasha Banks comes to ringside for this match to watch Bianca's back since Nia Jax is here. Reginald is here too. The match is just a backdrop for tension between Sasha and Belair over Reginald getting in the way. Belair wins with the KOD.
Winner: Bianca Belair
She tells Sasha to take care of the Reginald problem and leaves. Sasha slaps Reginald hard in the face and tells him to leave her alone. Graves advises he try Tinder.
Cesaro vs. Murphy
Cesaro fights Murphy with Seth Rollins on commentary, shit-talking Rollins the whole time. Murphy gets his ass kicked and taps out to the Sharpshooter. Michael Cole blows the call and says Murphy taps out before he actually taps out. Rollins tries to cover it up by claiming Cole saw the tapout coming.
Reginald tries to apologize to Sasha, but she slams the dressing room door in his face. Shayna Baszler taunts him as he tries to leave. Nia thinks he's kinda cute, though.
In case you missed it last time, Big E will return to Smackdown next week.
Michael tries to make up for exposing the business by shilling for some WWE Network documentaries.
Apollo Crews comes out, and now he's added two military guards and a large spear to his gimmick. He cuts a promo claiming that this is his real accent. The guards are the Nigerian Elite Guard. He was ashamed of his Nigerian heritage, but now he loves it. He says his ancestors told him to challenge Big E for the Intercontinental Championship, and now he demands another rematch for the title.
Natalya and Tamina complain to Adam Pearce and Sonya Deville that they don't have a shot against Jax and Baszler at Fastlane. Deville says she would have made a different decision.
Jey Uso starts to cut a promo about Daniel Bryan, but Bryan attacks him out of nowhere.
WWE Raw this week will feature the Bobby Lashley All-Mighty Celebration.
Ding Dong Hello
Bayley has Ding Dong, Hello! setup backstage in the smaller ring they have back there now. She reads some social media posts praising Ding Dong, Hello! But the last one upsets her, and she leaves through the door.
Cricket Wireless sponsors a recap of last week's main event between Daniel Bryan and Jey Uso…
…which segues nicely into this week's main event between Daniel Bryan and Jey Uso… in a steel cage!
After Corey Graves, inside the cage, explains in detail how cage matches work. They have a lot of time to kill.
Daniel Bryan vs. Jey Uso
Roman Reigns comes out to watch this match. Paul Heyman gets him a nice comfy chair so he can enjoy Smackdown just like the fans do: asleep. Uso and Bryan put on a hell of a cage match, to the surprise of nobody. Also, to the surprise of nobody, Bryan wins when Uso taps out to the Yes Lock.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
So Bryan will face Reigns at Fastlane.
I refuse to get excited at the prospect of Daniel Bryan winning anything meaningful ever again. That's all for WWE Smackdown this week. AEW Revolution is on Sunday, so check back here on Sunday if you want to read the most cynical possible take on it.