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WWE Survivor Series Preview: El Presidente's Guide to WarGames

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Survivor Series: WarGames with match predictions, start times, and tales of dictators in cages. Viva la revolución!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath the palace, where I am watching surveillance footage of the CIA trying to figure out how to climb into a WarGames cage. Spoiler alert: they cannot, which is why I had three installed around my compound after last year's unfortunate "incident."

Tonight, WWE presents Survivor Series: WarGames, and let me tell you, comrades, this is not just any premium live event. This is one of the legendary "Big Four" – a tradition so sacred that even my dear friend Kim Jong-un sends me a commemorative plate every year to celebrate. This year's plate features Brock Lesnar's face, which I use as a dinner platter for state banquets. The irony is delicious, much like the propaganda I serve with it!

You see, comrades, Survivor Series has evolved magnificently over the decades. What began as traditional five-on-five elimination matches has transformed into the annual home of WarGames – that beautiful dual-cage structure that reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I got stuck in adjacent holding cells in Miami. Ah, good times! We passed notes through the bars discussing our favorite Dusty Rhodes promos. The Dream invented WarGames, you know, and now WWE has made it the centerpiece of this historic event. It is like how I transformed my country's economy from "struggling" to "creatively struggling with socialist characteristics!"

Survivor Series: WarGames Full Match Card Preview and Predictions

Men's WarGames Match: Cody Rhodes, CM Punk, Roman Reigns, Jey Uso and Jimmy Uso vs. Brock Lesnar, Drew McIntyre, Logan Paul, Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed

Ay dios mio, comrades! This match has more star power than the time I hosted a dictator summit and Muammar Gaddafi showed up in a golden jumpsuit! On one side, we have the Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes and World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk teaming with Roman Reigns and The Usos – a family reunion more touching than when my cousin returned my stolen yacht!

On the other side? Pure chaos! Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed have been destroying everyone like the CIA destroys democratically-elected governments – efficiently and without remorse! Paul Heyman is leading this coalition of destruction, and he even brought back Brock Lesnar, who appeared on WWE Raw like I appear at UN meetings – unexpectedly, unwelcome but normalized, and ready to throw suplexes at anyone who questions my sovereignty!

The wildcard here is Logan Paul, comrades. A YouTuber in WarGames! This is like when I appointed my personal DJ as Minister of Finance – unconventional, but somehow it works! And Drew McIntyre returned from suspension thanks to a contractual loophole, which reminds me of the time I avoided international sanctions by claiming my nuclear program was actually a "very aggressive pottery class."

This match will be barbaric, brutal, and beautiful – like my weekly cabinet meetings, but less likely to end in a coup attempt!

Women's WarGames Match: AJ Lee, Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY vs. Becky Lynch, Asuka, Kairi Sane, Nia Jax and Lash Legend

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never trust your allies completely, and always expect betrayal. These women understand this principle better than my former Minister of Tourism, who defected to Miami under the pretense of attending Spring Break!

AJ Lee returns to team with Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Rhea Ripley, and IYO SKY – a team assembled through necessity after The Kabuki Warriors betrayed SKY. Trust issues? Charlotte didn't even want to team with Ripley at first! This is exactly like when I tried to form an alliance with a neighboring dictator against American imperialism, but he kept "forgetting" to return my borrowed attack helicopters.

On the other side, Becky Lynch joins forces with Asuka, Kairi Sane, Nia Jax, and Lash Legend. The Kabuki Warriors are WWE Women's Tag Team Champions, which they won through treachery – my favorite kind of victory! Nia Jax and Lash Legend appeared from nowhere like surprise IMF auditors, and now they're all ready for war.

The kendo stick assault that finally brought Charlotte's team together was more violent than my country's annual "Appreciation of El Presidente" parade, where we beat piñatas shaped like CIA agents!

Intercontinental Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Dominik Mysterio

Ah, comrades! John Cena captured the Intercontinental Championship from "Dirty" Dominik Mysterio on an episode of WWE Raw, and now he defends it in Dominik's hometown of San Diego! This is Cena's final premium live event, which makes me more emotional than when Netflix canceled my favorite telenovela.

The G.O.A.T. versus the son of Rey Mysterio in a hometown match? This has all the drama of the time I agreed to a debate with my political opponent in his home province – except I won by disqualification when he "accidentally" fell down an elevator shaft. Very tragic. The CIA investigated for months!

Dominik will have the homefield advantage, but Cena has the experience and the legacy, and, most importantly, the nostalgia. Can the young luchador recapture his title, or will Cena ride off into the sunset as mid-card champion? Place your bets now, comrades! (All betting proceeds go directly to El Presidente's "Definitely Not a Slush Fund" Fund.)

Women's World Championship: Stephanie Vaquer (c) vs. Nikki Bella

La Primera Stephanie Vaquer must defend her Women's World Championship against WWE Hall of Famer Nikki Bella, who betrayed her after weeks of teaming together! This betrayal was more shocking than when my personal chef revealed he'd been using store-bought sofrito instead of making it from scratch. I almost had him executed, but the rice was too good.

Nikki Bella wants another World Championship reign, and she's willing to stab her friend in the back to get it. This is standard operating procedure in my government – I mean, in professional wrestling! The Dark Angel Vaquer is furious and determined to retain, setting up what should be a passionate and personal encounter.

Survivor Series: WarGames Start Time and How to Watch

Comrades, you can witness all this glorious chaos tonight, November 29th, at 7 PM Eastern Time / 4 PM Pacific Time. In the United States, the event streams live on the ESPN App, which I access through a complicated network of satellite dishes that the CIA definitely doesn't know about.

For everyone else around the world, Survivor Series: WarGames streams on Netflix! Yes, the same Netflix that produces excellent programming about narcos who are nowhere near as successful as El Presidente's totally legitimate import-export business! WWE's TV rights deals are almost as beautiful as my five-year agricultural plan that definitely wasn't copied from Stalin's homework!

So gather your comrades, prepare your finest revolutionary snacks, and tune in tonight for what promises to be a spectacular evening of violence, betrayal, and championship glory!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WarGames! ¡Viva El Presidente!

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