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How To Kidnap Warren Ellis

Published Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:50:48 -0500

Last updated Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:56:17 -0500

Last night, Click Communications sent out a press release announcing Warren Ellis' appearance and a San Diego panel for the four upcoming anime Marvel series, including Wolverine and Iron Man, from Marvel Entertainment and Madhouse – and, presumably, that he has written for the cartoon series in question. The panel is on the Friday at 4.30pm with a Warren Ellis Marvel signing session at 5.30pm

Two hours later, Warren Ellis confirmed the news, saying "By the power of contractual obligation, I am appearing at the San Diego Comic-Con 2009 under the exclusive aegis of Sony, Madhouse and Marvel Anime. I am in San Diego for something less than 36 hours. This is my only appearance at San Diego."

I don't know, but it didn't sound very enthusiastic. Now, this could be Warren finding a way for his public persona to announce the news, but I think it's a cry for help. There's only one solution. Bleeding Cool has to kidnap Warren Ellis.

If he's here for thirty-six hours, we have some time. But not too much.

Firstly we'll scope out the convention and work out the most likely route between Warren's minders- keeping him strapped up in a Black Maria van on the harbour all hopped up on Calpol – and the Madhouse panel. Then we need to raid our hotel mini bars for those little bottles of whisky and tiny cans of Red Bull.We'll lay a trail that crosses his path, and on seeing those familiar logos, Warren's natural instincts will kick in, pulling him out of his child-cough-medicine stupor. He will fight off his minders and take off down the path we've set for him, drinking aged alcohol and caffeine-infused fizzy pop.

Then we'll distract Warren with an article on how smartphones are contributing to flash mob chapped-elbow fetish parties, throw a net round him and keep him on a small hastily-constructed-out-of-plastic-nametags island in the centre of the Hyatt swimming pool. From that defensive point, we'll fight off all the ninjas that Madhouse and Sony will have sent to get him back, safe in the knowledge that ninjas can't swim. After watching them all drown or disappear in puffs of smoke (Warren! It's no smoking here! Honestly!) and finally victorious, we shall bring the freed Warren Ellis into the San Diego Convention to rapturous applause.

Then nail him to the Avatar booth and make him sign copies of Freakangels with his free hand for people dressed as Darth Vader.

You've got to be cruel to be kind.

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