Posted in: Bathroom Bulletins, Comics, News With Benefits | Tagged: diamond, ups

Bathroom Bulletins: Diamond Vows to Continue to Deliver Late and Damaged Comics as UPS Strikes

Yesterday, we learned the shocking news that UPS union members have authorized leaders to call for a strike if they are unable to secure a favorable deal for a new contract. While the authorization doesn't guarantee that a strike will happen, Bathroom Bulletins has learned that North American comics monopoly Diamond is already preparing for the worst and hopes to continue shipping badly damaged orders to comic book retailers that arrive late and are missing critical inventory with no interruption of regular service.

"Write this down: Diamond employees are working overtime, kicking boxes around the warehouse and randomly removing books from orders, as we strive to make this transition seamless," a high-ranking Diamond executive was heard remarking on a phone call in the bathroom of a Dennys in Olive Branch, Mississippi, apparently dictating a statement for a press release. "We're confident that our customers won't even be able to tell the difference."

Diamond frequently attempts to address perceived shortcomings with flashy new technology that they show off in videos at retailer summits, so it's no surprise that the company is considering a similar solution here. However, instead of conveyor belts and redundant quality control processes, the solution this time will sport a simpler design, according to the executive.

"Let's build a really big cannon," the executive reportedly said. "Then we'll load up all the comics into the cannon, fill it with gunpowder, and blast them across the country, hoping they land in the vicinity of our retail customers."

At press time, 9 out of 10 retailers agreed that this would probably be a more efficient distribution process than currently exists, with one retailer noting that a "box of comics covered in blood and feathers and soaked from passing through a thunderstorm while travelling via giant cannon fire through multiple time zones" wouldn't be the worst thing they'd seen come out of a Diamond warehouse.

Bathroom Bulletins are rumors and gossip reports based on information sent to Bleeding Cool by the Pooper Scoopers, an elite spinoff of the Bleeding Cool spy corps known as Little Bleeders, who hide inside the stalls of restrooms at comic cons and anywhere comics professionals frequent, hoping to overhear scoops about tomorrow's steamiest piles of comic book news. Bleeding Cool is unable to verify the veracity of these reports, so please take them with a grain of salt and remember to flush and wash your hands when finished reading.

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