How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

Welcome, dear, dear readers to X-ual Healing, the weekly X-Men recap column. We had a rough week here in the X-ual Healing offices last week, as our 15-year-old cat, Mystique, passed away. @#$% cancer is what we like to say here at X-ual Healing. She was a great companion with a wonderful purr, and we'll miss her dearly. If you're a pet owner out there in the readerverse, give your pet a hug for us this weekend.

This week, we also got long-awaited details on the Uncanny X-Men revival happening in November. Of course, Bleeding Cool's own Rumourmonger-in-Chief Rich Johnston was the first to report such a revival was coming, but predicting a reboot at Marvel is a lot like predicting the return of a recently killed off character; you know it's gonna happen eventually, so if you predict it now, at some point, you're gonna be right.

More importantly though, whether by coincidence or because someone is actually listening to us, the UXM reboot checks a few of the boxes we were asking for when we fantasy-booked it ourselves. A weekly book? Check. Take all the writers and artists who work on X-traneous X-titles and gather them together for one all-star creative team? Check. The only thing we're missing here is Chris Claremont on the creative team, but with Claremont writing the Magneto X-Men Black one-shot, we're hoping more Claremont will be announced soon.

Anyway, there's a lot going on in the teaser here by David Marquez and Rachelle Rosenberg. Every time we look at it, we find a new detail we missed.

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

All in all, it's a pretty X-citing time for X-Men fans, and we look forward to the franchise being treated like the cream of the Marvel crop once more.

If you're new to this column, the basic premise is that Marvel puts out a lot of X-books each week. This week, there's five. Next week, there's eight. It varies, but it can be quite X-pensive to follow all the X-ploits of your favorite mutants. So in the event you didn't get to read every X-book that hit stores last week, fear not! We're reading them all each week, and every Sunday, we'll tell you what happened in the ones you might have missed, make a few jokes about it, and link to Marvel Unlimited for some back issue research where applicable.

So let's find out what happened this week in…

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

Cover by R.B. Silva
• To escape his present, Magneto travels to the future!
• But even 20 years later, there will always be X-Men…
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

Magneto heads 19 years into the future in this issue after an unpleasant confrontation with the X-Men in X-Men Blue #32. Magneto ruminates on his nature while touring the ruins of civilization in X-Men post-apocalyptic future #947. Finding no answers to life's philosophical questions, Magneto is accosted by a gang of reavers, and after first offering them mercy, he kills them all. Magneto continues to wander until he finds a giant statue of himself and meets a group of local mutants who hail him as a savior, explaining in a flashback that Magneto (and his Brotherhood) saved mutants sometime in this future's past by killing the hosts infected with the Reaver virus when neither the Avengers nor the X-Men could stop it. Magneto isn't quite sure that was the right thing to do, but before he has a chance to think too hard about it, grown-up versions of Jean Grey, Cyclops, Angel, and Beast show up to have some words with him… next issue, that is.

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]
Magneto's Nu-Brotherhood

Where's Iceman? Will this future be erased by the Extermination X-over event? There's only three issues of X-Men Blue left, so things are going to have to wrap up quickly!

But first, here's X-Men Blue writer Cullen Bunn and his fancy marble countertops teaching you how to make an Old-Fashioned on his YouTube show with Dennis Hopeless, Missouri Swagger:

Moving on…

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

The Exiles land in the Old West! A dusty town of innocents is under the thrall of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants — including their sharpshooting leader, Magneto! But this town ain't big enough for all those mutants, and the Exiles aren't about to let the Brotherhood get their way. Saddle up for a wild ride with guest artist Rod Reis!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

In Exiles #6, their introductory story finally finished, the surviving Exiles — Blink, Iron Lad, Valkyrie, and Wolvie — enjoy a relaxing vacation at Blink's Auntie Sandra's house in the Bahamas. Well, a working vacation, as the Exiles help out with chores around the town. But Blink can't stop thinking about the old Exiles team, who are all lost in the multiverse. The other Exiles agree to help find them, so they all grab ahold of the Talus and find themselves transported to HBO's Westworld. But instead of robots, the town is menaced by the Magnus Gang, an Old West version of Magneto's Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (the original version with Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Mastermind, and Toad).

After the Exiles stop Quicksilver… er, Pete Maximoff… from accosting a woman in a saloon, they take a walk with Dr. Moira MacTaggert, Medicine Woman, who gives them the lowdown on the Brotherhood, who have been abducting people into the desert. Two of the people abducted, according to MacTaggert's description, seem to be Nocturne and Morph. Magneto and his gang attack, and, after gaining the upper hand, kidnap Iron Lad, causing Wolvie to cry. McTaggart suggests they join up with another man, named King, looking to stop the Magnus Gang who turns out to be T'Challa, the Old West Black Panther.

Now that we're done establishing the team, it's great to start exploring the multiverse. There's a lot of potential for stories with this book, so it's good that it's disconnected enough to most likely survive the coming X-pocalypse.

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

• Old Man Logan's good, but Bullseye? BULLSEYE'S MAGIC.
• PLUS: Someone from Bullseye's past returns to exact her revenge…a VENDETTA you'll never forget!
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

Old Man Logan's final battle with Bullseye before his comic ends to make way for the return of the original Wolverine, as well as Marvel's marketing push for Bullseye: The Columbian Connection TPB, comes to a satisfying conclusion in Old Man Logan #45. Logan, Vendetta, Shotgun, and Shotgun's cannon fodder getaway driver chase Bullseye as he drives a stolen cop car through the mall in Bridgewater, New Jersey. Vendetta manages to tag Bullseye's car with a tracker before Bullseye takes out their car with a couple of knives, killing the getaway driver (Alas, Dee, we hardly knew ye). They commandeer a new car and take a drive through the country while Glob Herman searches for the son of Shotgun's now-dead partner, Bullet, who was kidnapped by Bullseye last issue. Logan also has a heart-to-heart with Vendetta about the thankless, never-ending chore of vigilantism. Sounds a lot like comics journalism.

The team locates Bullseye at an abandoned factory in Helmetta, New Jersey, where a fight ensues, ending in Bullseye's capture. Bullseye talks Glob Herman through locating Bullet's kid over the phone, only to see Logan's face when Glob finds the kid already murdered. Bullseye breaks free and causes more damage, particularly to Logan, before fleeing out the window as the cops are arriving. Vendetta manages to shoot him several times as he jumps, which is enough to mobilize him. Bullseye is arrested and sent to jail. Shotgun is as well. Logan wakes up in the hospital, under arrest, but Vendetta called in some favors with the FBI and sets him free. Next issue, as the Old Man Logan retirement tour continues, we'll get to see Alpha Flight.

Old Man Logan is ending and the original Wolverine is returning in September, but neither is present in the Uncanny X-Men teaser art. Is Marvel really planning to have an X-Men team with only two Wolverines (X-23 and Honey Badger)? Three if you count Jonathan?

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

Topaz and [REDACTED] have upended Domino's life completely, dragging her ugly Project Armageddon origins out of the shadows for all to see. Now, having been torn down to her very foundation, Domino is confronted with the deepest cut of all: BETRAYAL. There's a RAT in the henhouse.
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

In Hong Kong, Domino and Shang Chi face off against a bunch of Marvel's Kung Fu villains (the most recognizable one is Razorfist) in a nightclub, rudely interrupting Domino's chance to make out with her new martial arts instructor. Though she's only been training with Shang Chi for a single issue, he must be a good teacher, because Domino learns how to focus and control her power during the issue-long fight scene. She's now ready to take on Prototype and Topaz.

Meanwhile, Outlaw and Prototype face down Prototype and Topaz in the facility where Prototype, Topaz, and Domino were raised. Topaz is injured in the fight, causing Prototype to stop briefly to tend to her and recap his origin story.  Topaz's father, Dr. Rossini, was a mutant-hater who didn't realize his own daughter was a mutant. His torture of Prototype, whose bad luck results in good luck for Domino, followed by his discarding of Protoype when Domino was rescued from the facility, broke Topaz, who loves Prototype. Outlaw and Diamondback try to reason with them, but Topaz doesn't want their pity, and Prototype stabs Diamondback, leaving her dying. Before he and Topaz can teleport away, Outlaw manages to hit Prototype, leaving him horribly disfigured. There will be a reckoning next issue, we imagine.

Domino really is the best Deadpool book on the stands today.

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

Variant Cover by R.B. SILVA
The trail of Logan's body has led the New Avengers to a completely different mystery…one that will cast a long, dark shadow over the X-Men…
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

In a true tribute to New Avengers writer "The Great One" Brian Michael Bendis, it takes four issues for us to really learn what happened in that flashback scene where Wolverine "sacrifices" himself — so far as a person who can't be killed can sacrifice themselves — to stop the hero-killer bomb. It turns out that the bomb was designed by Tony Stark, though Tony, talking privately with Wolverine, denies actually building it. Wolverine tells Stark that his problem is seeing potential before people, and he wants him to see people first so he can stop being a dick, like he was during the Civil War and pretty much ever since. Also, he wants to make sure Stark doesn't mess with his body when he dies (ew). However, he doesn't trust that old necrophiliac, so he asks the other New Avengers to keep Stark honest, to which they agree.

In the present, the Old New Avengers plus X-23 invade Sinister's lab, locating the stolen DNA of all the humans and mutants on Earth. A will-he-won't-he drama ensues as Tony wrestles with whether or not to destroy all this ill-begotten data, which the rest of the group agrees is the right thing to do. Tony does the right thing and the Avengers destroy it all, not that it matters much, because Soteira previously invaded the compound and stole a copy. The Avengers head back to New York, where Iron Fist was left babysitting Luke Cage and Jessica Jones' baby, and tony drops a few startling revelations. First, X-23 isn't just a clone of Wolverine. She also has the DNA of Sarah Kinney, the woman who raised her like a daughter. Also, the X-Men have a sleeper agent who was genetically modified to seem like a mutant but really isn't, though Tony doesn't know who it is.

All of this will come to a head in the appropriately titled Hunt for Wolverine (But Don't Find Him Because He's Not Coming Back Until the Next Mini-Series, Return of Wolverine): Dead Ends.

It was a relatively light week for X-books, but it's just the calm before the storm. Next week, Extermination kicks off, and there are 8 X-books in stores, so get your credit card ready now!

Pestering Matthew Rosenberg on Twitter

This is a new weekly segment where we ask New Mutants, Multiple Man, and Uncanny X-Men writer Matthew Rosenberg a dumb question about the X-Men on Twitter and see how many weeks he'll tolerate it for before muting us.

We Want Your Letters

Got something to say about the X-Men, past, present, future, apocalyptic future, future past, or anything in between? Send us an email at judeterror (at) bleedingcool (dot) com and mark it okay to print, and we might run it here in a future column.

Further Reading

Marvel forgot to mention Bullseye: The Columbian Connection TPB this issue, but we didn't. Read the individual issues on Marvel Unlimited.

Magneto's Brotherhood is popping up all over the place this week. Read their first appearance in X-Men #4.

Read more X-ual Healing here:

How Do You Like Bleeding Cool's Uncanny X-Men Reboot? [X-ual Healing 8-8-18]

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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