Yeah, I know this column is usually out on Mondays, but did you really expect me to work on Labor Day, you capitalist scum?! Anyway, just two X-books in stores last week: New Mutants #12 and Wolverine #5. I'll tell you what happened in both of them.
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.
(W) Ben Percy (A) Viktor Bogdanovic (CA) Adam Kubert
BLOOD CLOCKS! In the snowbound darkness of the north, Wolverine is the prisoner of Dracula. By forming an unlikely alliance, Logan fights back. Stakes, claws, tricked-out snowmobiles and wintry mayhem await you.
In Shops: Sep 02, 2020
Wolverine #5 Recap
After falling into the icy waters of Canada last issue, Wolverine is no frozen inside a block of ice. Is he the new Captain America? Sadly, no. Vampires led by Dracula have fished him out and tapped into his blood, feeding it into machines trapped to their chests that imbue them with special powers. For as long as Wolverine's rare blood lasts in their system, each of these vampires will have two dicks. Even the female one. Also, they can walk in the daylight.
Two of the vamps, the ones who are not Dracula, are stopped by a cop at the border. while transporting a truck full of corpses. They kill the cop too. Meanwhile, a group of punk Vampire teens bust into the cabin where the Wolverine ice block is stored and steal it. While they're dragging him away on snowmobiles, Wolverine busts out of the ice block and is mad as hell. In Minneapolis, the vamps open the truck and all the corpses are now vampires. They unleash the hungry new vamps on the city.
In the Canadian wilderness, Wolverine attempts to murder some teenagers (typical Wolverine) but eventually they explain they're actually good vamps who only drink animal blood and hate Dracula. They tell Wolverine what happened to him and that Dracula is behind it. A prose page shows us a letter Wolverine wrote to Louise, the vampire-fighting woman he met in the first issue of this series, filling her in on the story. The vamps have been murdering whole Canadian towns and turning the people into vampires, then unleashing them in cities.
The kids know what town the vamps are hitting next, so they head there. Drac isn't there, but his two vamps are. Violence ensues. Several of the kids die (typical Wolverine). Wolverine kills the two vamps, who reveal that the reason they left Wolverine alone after taking his blood was because they aren't ready to take down Krakoa… yet. In an epilogue, Wolverine is transported temporarily via Rainbow Bridge to what I understand is a Thor/Fortnite crossover comic, which sounds like total garbage, but I do like that they included the transportation here, reminds me of Secret Wars.
I'm still very wary of vampire X-Men stories ever since that Victor Gischler stuff a few years back, but this story has been okay so far. I kinda liked the punk vampire kids so it's a shame Wolverine let them get murdered, but it's what he does, after all, that is, when he's not lecturing Cyclops about the same thing.
Read more X-ual Healing here:
This post is part of a multi-part series: X-ual Healing X-Men Recaps for the Week of September 2nd, 2020.
- X-orcising the Journalism Boogeyman in New Mutants #12 [XH]
- Wolverine Gets More Children Killed in Wolverine #5 [XH]