X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in comics.

Each week, armed with the joy, heartbreak, and frustration of 30+ years of reading X-Men comics, we read every new X-book that comes out, recap the events, provide some back-links to Marvel Unlimited, and wonder when Marvel will let Chris Claremont write something again. Seriously, how do you have the greatest writer in the history of comics on the payroll and just not use him for anything?

It's the way X-Men comics were meant to be read! It's the column that can only be known as…

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

For more about the column, check out the reboot issue here.

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

Cover by Phil Noto
• Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for the ultimate union!
• After a lifetime of will-they-or-won't-they, new boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, KITTY and COLOSSUS are finally walking down the aisle together…
40 PGS./Rated T+ …$4.99

Buy it here!

The big wedding issue that we were all spoiled on the day before it came out kicks off with a flashback to Uncanny X-Men #183, after the X-Men returned from Secret Wars. Kitty wasn't transported to Battleworld, which left Colossus to fall in love with an alien healer. That means it's time to play the "who did it better" flashback game (though we probably already know the answer). Here's what we see in X-Men Gold #30:

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

And here's how it happened back in the day:

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30 X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30 X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30 X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

Yeah, there's really no contest, is there? Kitty was mad at Storm at the time for getting a mohawk and a leather vest. Later that issue, Wolverine was so pissed that Colussus broke up with his teenage girlfriend that he got him beat up by the Juggernaut.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Probably not a good sign that Kitty was thinking about that at the beginning of her wedding issue. In the present, She and Colossus are overlooking the setup for the wedding. Kitty asks Piotr what he's thinking, and he tells her that despite all the amazing things he's done since becoming an X-Man, meeting Kitty was the most amazing of all. We then get another callback to the X-Men #183 scene above…

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

The rehearsal dinner offers some good opportunities for X-Men who don't see each other often to interact. Jean Grey, Rachel Grey, and Teen Jean Grey, for example, have a funny interaction over Teen Jean drinking alcohol. Jubilee catches Nightcrawler up on the ending of Generation X, with her no longer being a vampire. Colossus shows Storm a painting he made as a wedding gift for Kitty. All Gambit can think about is having sex with Rogue (with an appropriate editor's note to check out the Rogue and Gambit mini-series). Kitty is glad to see Lockheed, who brought his dragon family along. Old and young Beasts and Icemen joke that they're going to form a team called the Fantastic Four. Don't give Ike Perlmutter any ideas. Finally, Magik, the Maid of Honor, invites Kitty to drink on the roof. There, they have a conversation where Magik expresses doubt that Kitty and her brother can make their marriage work. Kitty looks disturbed.

The next day, Nightcrawler is helping Colossus get ready. He tells him he plans to propose to Rachel after the wedding. Hasn't he been reading the solicits?! Doesn't he know she's going to become a hound again?! Congresswoman Stevie Hunter helps Kitty do her makeup before the wedding while Storm and Kitty's mom watches, appropriately, since all three have played motherly roles for Kitty over the years. Kitty realizes and points this out. Hugs and crying happen. As they boys get in limos to head to the wedding, Wolverine watches from a rooftop, wishing the couple luck. He can't show his face at the wedding because his big Return of Wolverine mini-series hasn't happened yet, plus his new hot claws powers might set the bride's bouquet on fire.

At the event, Rogue and Magik notice that Storm has made sure the weather is perfect. Magik, however, feels bad about what she said to Kitty last night. Rogue tells her it'll be okay. Gambit is still horny for Rogue.The rabbi starts the ceremony, and everything is going well until it's time for Piotr to slip the ring on Kitty's finger, and she phases so that his hand passes right through hers. Everyone is shocked. Kitty says she can't marry Piotr. She phases away. Nightcrawler teleports Colossus away.

Later, at the reception, everyone feels bad, but not bad enough to not partake in the catering and open bar. Illyana blames herself for all this. Meanwhile, on the hill where the conversation took place back in Uncanny X-Men #183, Colossus finds Kitty and asks why she couldn't marry him. Kitty says they have too much history to build a marriage on. Uh, what? She says she still loves him. The question of where they stand is left open. Back at the reception, Storm tells Gambit and Nightcrawler that it may be fortunate that Kitty and Piotr decided to call this off now rather than realize it later. She says marriage requires a need, a hunger… and Gambit has been horny every panels he's appeared in so far. He takes the hint and proposes to Rogue right there. Kitty and Colossus return at that moment and give their blessing.

Gambit and Rogue get married. They also get their own ongoing series, Mr. & Mrs. X, kicking off next month, in which they'll apparently head off into space for a honeymoon adventure. Several pages are devoted to promoting this at the back of the issue.

The Bottom Line

This issue had it all. Callbacks to X-Men history. Romance. Heartbreak. Sure, we're more excited for the Rogue and Gambit series than we were for this wedding, but that just means Marvel made the right choice. We recently learned this book is ending in September, so it will be interesting to see how it wraps up over the next few months.

Further Reading

Read Uncanny X-Men #183 on Marvel Unlimited, of course!

Read more X-ual Healing here:

X-ual Healing: The Ol' Switcheroo in X-Men Gold #30

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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