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Handing Out Gifts In The DC / TV Universes

It's Christmas and everyone wants to open a present or five. So, I've come up with the gifts I think that the writers of the DC/TV shows should get for some of their characters. Little things that might stave off a plot point that has happened a few too many times.

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The obvious place to start is with young Barry Allen. Barry has a heart of gold and always wants to make things right. As the Flash he has the speed to be able to change things, but he also moves so fast that he often doesn't take the time to think things through. This was something Green Arrow tried to teach him by shooting an arrow in his back. It didn't stick. So I think his buddy Cisco Ramon need to come up with a gadget that becomes part of the suit that if Barry is about to travel through time… it pauses everything and puts in a direct call to Jay Garrick. No time traveling without Jay's permission.

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Before we leave STAR Labs, we have a gift for Wally West as well. The question must be asked, what self-respecting 18-year old male would allow themselves to be called Kid anything? Kid Flash? Seriously? I know it's the name in the comics, but that was when he was like thirteen. If you're almost twenty, you shouldn't be Kid and you shouldn't be running off someone else's name. And since Cisco, king of naming metas, seems to be laying down on the job. We have a thesaurus for Wally. There are a lot of words that mean fast.

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Let's hop the express from Central City to Star City and check in on Christmas morning for Quentin Lance. Now, the obvious gift for him would be one of those little signs that say "Dad's Mood Is…" And you can flip between good and bad. Well, Lance needs one that says "Sara Is Currently… " And it flips between alive and dead. He needs a second for Laurel as well so he can keep track. The writers should be ashamed of what they are putting that poor man through.

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While we are in the area, lets swing by Felicity Smoak's place and give her a year membership to a dating website. But we need to help her fill out her profile. She's looking for a man who likes to sit around the house, that runs from danger and thinks a salmon ladder is something you get at a sushi restaurant. So far she's had a think for Oliver Queen, Barry Allen, Ray Palmer and none of those worked out. She tried dating a cop and that didn't end well and even her best friend is now going out and getting beaten up. She really needs a lazy man in her life.

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We'll pop through a portal and visit National City next and their newest vigilante Guardian. Now I like the design of the armor, the shield works well and Jimmy Olsen seems to be getting the hang of it. But we need to give him a copy of Tales of Suspense #40, the issue where Iron Man realizes his armor is kind of scary in gray and decides to paint it gold. Maybe Jimmy and Winn will get the idea and pain the Guardian armor blue and gold.

Handing Out Gifts In The DC / TV Universes

And while we are there, we should swing by and give J'onn J'onzz a set of keys. The Manhunter could use his own apartment. Some place he can go, unwind and kick of his human façade. A place where he can have a cat and cases of Chocos. All we ever see the guy do is hang out at the DOE or pop into that bar once or twice. No wonder he's so uptight, he has no place for his stuff.

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Since we're jumping through portals, the next stop is going to be Gotham City. Where we'd like to give Jim Gordon a clue and some of those morals he seemed to have misplaced, the real gift we're swinging by to give is to Oswald Cobblepot. The poor man has been betrayed by friends, lost both parents and has never got a chance to learn the basic functioning skills we all grow up with. So for Penguin, we get him a gift certificate to Magic Cuts and a comb. The man is the mayor of a city and his hair looks like he's standing with his back to a fan constantly.

 

gotham004Before we leave this very dark city, we swing by the GCPD and drop off a little gift to Detective Harvey Bullock. A book on co-dependency. Harvey's the type of guy that latches on to someone and is loyal. For it was to Fish Mooney and the mob. But then Jim Gordon comes to town with all his talk about justice and doing the right thing. Next thing you know, Harvey has become the good cop and he ignores all of the horrible things Jim is doing. The two of them have become a very dysfunctional relationship and someone needs have an intervention.

 

RipHunterAnd finally, we pop onto the Waverider where we have a couple of gifts to deliver. First we give the team back Rip Hunter. As much as I've enjoyed Sara being the captain, the team doesn't seem to actually get anything done. Every episode ends up with their plan going awry and them scrambling to fix things. Rip was like the adult in the room keeping them all on track. They haven't had that this season, so the plans have been less than stellar and always make things worse. I think they are doing more damage to the time line than the Legion of Doom.

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And while we're at it, we have a gift to share for Ray Palmer and Nate Heywood. A Rock'em Sock'em Robots Games. Both of them are nostalgia geeks so they'll love the game. And if they're beating each other up with plastic robots, they'll stop destroying the cargo bay. Plus you know Ray will want to make the game better, they'll start working on upgrading the robots and next thing you know Red Tornado is one of the Legends.


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Dan WicklineAbout Dan Wickline

Has quietly been working at Bleeding Cool for over three years. He has written comics for Image, Top Cow, Shadowline, Avatar, IDW, Dynamite, Moonstone, Humanoids and Zenescope. He is the author of the Lucius Fogg series of novels and a published photographer.
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