Posted in: Current News, Nerd Food, Pop Culture | Tagged: hp lovecraft, tesco

An HP Lovecraft Review of a Pack of Sausages Posted on Tesco's Website

"Taste like shoggoth & disappointment" - an HP Lovecraft review of a pack of sausages posted on Tesco's website

Tesco is Britain's biggest supermarket. It is estimated that one in every pound sterling is spent within Tesco's walls, physical or digital. The timing release of the Christmas delivery booking slots has become a national event. Outside of the BBC and the NHS, Tesco may define us more as a nation than anything else. And their website allows you to review their offerings as a recommendation or warning to other customers. That was where I came across this single, solo review of a certain brand of highly regarded sausages advertised as of the nduja-inspired variety. Of which the reviewer took issue. Posted anonymously on the 3rd of January this year, no one else seems to have taken notice of it until now. So let's put that right, shall we?

"Taste like shoggoth & disappointment
"I love nduja. These do not taste like that. What they do taste like is out-of-date quorn mince cooked in tobasco and stomach bile, wrapped in the hide of a rhino that died from mange. It is very rare I'll find something I cannot even swallow, but one bite of these caused my duodenum to rise up through my stomach and form a protective seal across the back of my mouth. I have eaten some very questionable things in my time. I had food poisoning every weekend for 6 months due to a certain dodgy takeaway during my university years. I knew it was causing it, but it was cheap and right outside my favourite club. I once ate pasta mixed with air freshener and Daz for a bet. I've chewed one of those coffee beans that comes out of a monkey's bottom. None of those things have come within even a culinary lightyear of being as foul and regretful as one bite of these sausages. If you like your sausages to make you think "I might chase this down with some raw sewage", perhaps you're the target market for these sausages. Or, more likely, one of the people responsible for taste-testing them before they were inflicted on an unsuspecting public. If you're anyone else – one of those people who don't want to chew on the toenails of someone who died from leprosy – then avoid these sausages completely."

One star… a shoggoth is a sentient blob of self-shaping, gelatinous flesh in the literary tradition of HP Lovecraft, folks.

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