Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: Thekla Throws Shade, Moxley Spills Blood

Comrades, AEW Collision brought Omega’s return, Thekla’s challenge, and a wild street fight. Esteban and I salute this glorious violence!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury yacht anchored just outside the territorial waters of Cincinnati, Ohio, where I watched last night's episode of AEW Collision: Summer Blockbuster on a solid gold television while Esteban feasted on imported Belgian chocolate. And let me tell you, AEW Collision delivered more chaos than the time Fidel Castro and I got into an argument over whether a Havana alley brawl could out-brawl the Death Riders!

Kenny Omega vs. Bad Dude Tito

Kenny Omega returned to singles action on Collision against TMDK's Bad Dude Tito, and comrades, this was like watching a master painter return to the canvas after years of finger-painting with children. Omega controlled the match with his signature moves, including the V-Trigger and the One-Winged Angel, which is almost as devastating as my economic policy toward the IMF. After the victory, Omega called out Zack Sabre Jr. for Forbidden Door and mentioned MJF as a future target. This is good! The workers must always challenge the bourgeoisie champions!

Hikaru Shida vs. Zayda Steel – TBS Championship Survival of the Fittest Qualifier

Hikaru Shida defeated Zayda Steel in a qualifier for the TBS Championship Survival of the Fittest match, and comrades, Shida's Full Metal Muffler submission was more effective than the time I put the CIA operative who tried to infiltrate my palace in a headlock at a state dinner. Steel showed heart, but Shida's experience was too much. This is why we must invest in training programs for the proletariat wrestlers!

The Rascalz vs. Aaron Atlas & Austin Atlas

The Rascalz – Zachary Wentz and Dezmond Xavier – defeated Aaron Atlas and Austin Atlas on AEW Collision with their Hot Fire Flame finisher. This was a showcase match, comrades, the kind of match I make my enemies watch before I exile them to the countryside. After the victory, they introduced Myron Reed for his TNT Championship opportunity, which is more selfless than anything Tony Khan has ever done for the working class!

Kevin Knight vs. Myron Reed – TNT Championship

Kevin Knight retained his TNT Championship against Reed in what was a competitive match on AEW Collision. Reed hit a No Cap Splash that nearly won him the title, but Knight survived and won with a uranage. This reminds me of the time Kim Jong-un and I competed in a hot dog eating contest, and he nearly defeated me until I remembered I had hidden extra hot dogs in my military uniform. Reed should be proud – he fought like a true revolutionary, even if he did not seize the means of championship production!

Athena vs. Maya World Storyline and Athena vs. Tiara James

Comrades, the storytelling between Athena and Maya World on Collision was more emotional than the time I cried watching the finale of "The Bachelor" with Muammar Gaddafi (he was Team Rachel). Maya discussed her brother's death and called AEW her second family, while Athena showed sympathy but remained focused on winning the Owen Cup.

Then Athena defeated Tiara James before attacking both James and Maya World after the match, even slamming Maya into the ROH Women's World Championship. This is the kind of ruthless behavior I expect from someone who refuses to share the wealth! Athena is clearly a capitalist pig who hoards championships like Nick Khan hoards streaming rights!

The Young Bucks vs. The Dogs

The Young Bucks – Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson – lost to The Dogs (David Finlay and Clark Connors) on AEW Collision when The Dogs hit Full Clip on Matt for the pinfall. This upset reminds me of the time the CIA thought they had me cornered in Paraguay, only to discover they had actually surrounded a very convincing decoy made entirely of empanadas. The Young Bucks are former champions chasing current champions Adam Copeland and Christian Cage, but now they must get in line behind The Dogs!

Thekla Challenges STARDOM

Thekla, the AEW Women's World Champion, interrupted Tony Schiavone from the crowd on Collision to issue an open challenge to STARDOM for Forbidden Door. She refused to apologize and demanded their best wrestler. This is the confidence of a true champion, comrades! Though later in the show, it was announced that Starlight Kid would answer the challenge, and Thekla responded that she despised her former STARDOM colleague. This rivalry has more heat than my volcano lair's main chamber!

Persephone vs. Julia Hart – TBS Championship Survival of the Fittest Qualifier

Persephone defeated Julia Hart despite having her eye damaged from Hart's previous mist attack. She won with a crucifix bomb and joined Shida in the TBS Championship Survival of the Fittest match. Comrades, fighting with one eye is something I understand – I once had to negotiate a trade agreement with the Americans while suffering from severe food poisoning after eating gas station sushi. Persephone showed the heart of a revolutionary!

Mike Bailey vs. Jake Doyle

In a shocking upset on AEW Collision, Jake Doyle of the Don Callis Family defeated Mike Bailey with a sitout powerbomb while TNT Champion Kevin Knight watched from commentary. Bailey hit his Ultima Weapon but could not put Doyle away. This is what happens when you underestimate your opponent, comrades! I learned this lesson when I underestimated a capybara in a pie-eating contest and lost to the creature who would become Esteban! I did not win the contest, but I won friendship, which is worth more in the end.

Death Riders vs. Shane Taylor Promotions – Cincinnati Street Fight

The main event of AEW Collision was a glorious Cincinnati Street Fight between the Death Riders and Shane Taylor Promotions, and comrades, this was more violent than the time I played Monopoly with Saddam Hussein and things got out of hand when he landed on my hotel. The Death Riders – Jon Moxley, Claudio Castagnoli, PAC, Daniel Garcia, and Marina Shafir – were ambushed before the match and the brawl went through the entire venue.

They used tables, brass knuckles, chairs, glass, tacks, and even toy army men as weapons! Moxley hit Shane Taylor with a Paradigm Shift into glass and tacks for the victory. This is how the proletariat should fight the oppressors – with everything at their disposal! Though I must question the effectiveness of toy army men as weapons. I have tried this in actual warfare and can confirm they are better for morale than combat.

Final Thoughts

Comrades, AEW Collision: Summer Blockbuster delivered a solid night of wrestling from Cincinnati. The show built toward Forbidden Door nicely, with Omega calling out Sabre Jr., Thekla accepting Starlight Kid's challenge, and various tournament qualifiers advancing. The main event street fight was appropriately chaotic for a show with "Blockbuster" in the name.

However, I must note that too many capitalist pigs like the Don Callis Family continue to accumulate wealth and championships! Konosuke Takeshita holds the International Championship, Knight holds the TNT Championship, and now Doyle has momentum after defeating Bailey. The workers must unite and seize these titles from the bourgeoisie! Perhaps Ricochet, who called out Takeshita backstage, can lead this revolution!

Until next time, comrades, remember: the people's elbow is mightier than the corporate knee! Now if you'll excuse me, Esteban and I have reservations at a five-star restaurant where I will definitely not be discussing trade embargoes with the sommelier.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Collision!

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