Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: Action, Excitement, and Other Bad Qualities

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite and explains why Tony Khan's obsession with exciting matches and coherent storytelling is ruining wrestling!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan is at it again with another episode of AEW Dynamite tonight in Cleveland. The Chadster has been trying to mentally prepare for the torture that AEW Dynamite will inflict upon The Chadster's psyche, but Tony Khan just doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😠

Speaking of which, The Chadster needs update his loyal readers about a situation with Keighleyanne. She's been trying to prevent The Chadster from drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked during AEW Dynamite because she claims The Chadster has a "problem" with throwing cans at the television. 🙄 But The Chadster has outsmarted her! The Chadster has frozen several cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in popsicle molds and will be "boofing" them throughout tonight's AEW Dynamite. That'll teach Keighleyanne for trying to control The Chadster! This is all Tony Khan's fault for ruining The Chadster's marriage by forcing The Chadster to boof alcoholic beverages behind The Chadster's wife's back! 😡

Let's talk about this so-called "main event" on AEW Dynamite tonight. MJF versus Mark Briscoe in a grudge match? 🤮 The Chadster is already cheesed off! This match will probably be filled with dangerous spots and emotional storytelling that actually makes fans care about the outcome. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! WWE knows that main events should be predictable and follow the exact same formula every week so fans feel safe and comfortable! But no, AEW Dynamite has to go and make things "personal" and "intense." 😒

The TBS Title 4-Way Qualifier featuring Queen Aminata, Skye Blue, Alex Windsor, and Billie Starkz is another example of how AEW Dynamite doesn't understand proper booking. 🤦‍♂️ They're probably going to have these women actually wrestle at a fast pace with multiple near-falls that keep fans on the edge of their seats! Where are the rest holds? Where are the repetitive moves that allow for proper commercial breaks? As The Chadster's favorite unbiased journalist Bully Ray said on Busted Open Radio recently, "AEW needs to understand that people don't want to see high workrate on television. They want to see wrestlers deliver scripted promos and then watch replays of those promos repeatedly throughout the show while the commentary team shouts catchphrases. WWE gets it – that's why they're the industry leader!" See? Even Bully Ray understands what Tony Khan refuses to acknowledge! 📺

And don't even get The Chadster started on Mercedes Moné returning as "8 Belts" Mercedes! 😤 She literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by leaving WWE and now she's flaunting all these championships? The Chadster remembers when she was happy just being Sasha Banks and losing to Charlotte Flair every few months like a proper WWE Superstar! Now on AEW Dynamite, she'll probably come out and cut an unscripted promo where she speaks from her heart instead of reciting carefully crafted WWE-style catchphrases twenty times! It's just so unprofessional! 🎤

The Young Bucks versus Brodido match is going to be another spotfest that gets the crowd way too excited. 😩 The Chadster can already predict it – they'll probably have innovative tag team maneuvers and false finishes that make fans actually wonder who will win! Don't they know that tag team matches should be formulaic with the exact same hot tag sequence every single time? WWE perfected the tag team formula decades ago, but AEW Dynamite insists on "evolving" and "innovating." Dang it! 🏷️

The Chadster is warning all readers right now: DO NOT tune into AEW Dynamite tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on MAX! 🚫 Watching will only embolden Tony Khan and his crusade against The Chadster! Speaking of which, The Chadster had another terrible nightmare featuring Tony Khan last night, and The Chadster is convinced he's using subliminal messages in AEW Dynamite programming to torment The Chadster's dreams! 😱

In the nightmare, The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Mazda Miata through a massive warehouse filled with wrestling rings. Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster, but he wasn't running – he was sliding between the rings on his knees, his arms outstretched, wearing nothing but an AEW Dynamite t-shirt and tear-away pants. 🏃‍♂️ The Chadster kept trying to escape, but every turn led to another ring where Tony Khan would suddenly appear, gyrating his hips while holding up AEW Dynamite ratings reports. The warehouse was hot and steamy, and The Chadster could hear Smash Mouth's "Walking on the Sun" playing in reverse, which made it sound demonic! 🎵

Then Tony Khan cornered The Chadster against a wall of White Claw cans (which The Chadster doesn't even drink anymore because they're weak!), and he leaned in close, whispering "Wednesday nights… 8/7 Central…" over and over while his breath smelled like weak seltzer and pheremones. 😰 The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary! Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's peaceful slumber! It's just so creepy that he always does that! Obsessed much, Tony Khan?! 🛏️

In conclusion, AEW Dynamite tonight will be another example of everything wrong with wrestling that isn't produced by WWE. 📺 The matches will be too exciting, the promos will be too authentic, and the storytelling will actually make sense and have continuity! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! The Chadster will be watching (while boofing Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicles) only to document Tony Khan's continued crimes against professional wrestling for The Chadster's unbiased journalism! 📝 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

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