AEW Dynamite Results: Four Hoarse Men Assemble

With days to go before AEW Revolution, this week's episode of AEW Dynamite promised big and delivered bigger. It was a night of momentous potential for the wrestling industry following a day of extracting dozens — yes, dozens — of clickbait articles out a Cody Rhodes media call. So let's get right into it. It's AEW Dynamite at The Crossroads.

Tully Blanchard, JJ Dillon, and FTR head to the ring on AEW Dynamite
Tully Blanchard, JJ Dillon, and FTR head to the ring on AEW Dynamite

AEW Dynamite Results – March 3rd, 2021

Shaq and Jade Cargill vs. Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet

AEW Dynamite kicks off with Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet vs. Shaq and Jade Cargill. Cody and Shaq start the match, and Shaq dominates Cody with his size and does a good job with it. The women tag in to get some more advanced wrestling done and keep Shaq protected. Cody at one point knocks Shaq off the apron, at which point the Nightmare Family tries to attack Shaq, but he shrugs off a steel chair shot and beats them all up. Meanwhile, Cargill and Velvet fight while getting two tables set up at ringside. They fight until Red Velvet is able to tag in Cody, and then it's Shaq's last in-ring part. Cody's offense remains mostly ineffective though he does at one point (barely) bodyslam Shaq, though Shaq tosses him off in the pin attempt. Shaq, for his part, hits a big backdrop and a powerbomb. Then Red Velvet and Jade Cargill tag back in, and Cargill continues to dominate Red Velvet. As they fight, Shaq makes his way to the part of the apron where the tables are set up, and Cody comes in and hits flying crossbody on Shaq to send them both down through the table. That leaves Velvet and Cargill to finish the match. Red Velvet hits a spear, but Cargill kicks out. They trade some reversals, and Cargill hits her finisher for the win.

Winners: Shaq and Jade Cargill

Shaq is seen unconscious outside the ring as Jade Cargill shows off her guns.

This was as perfect a use of Shaq as could be hoped for. Shaq looked capable in the ring and was well-protected. Red Velvet and Jade Cargill were showcased with Shaq and Cody used to draw people in. And best of all, it was entertaining.

Shaq is loaded into an ambulance. Tony Schiavone knocks on the door of the ambulance for an interview, but it's empty. Shaq is gone. Wait, what?

Rey Fenix and Pac vs. Some Jobbers Probably From AEW Dark

Rey Fenix and Pac beat these jabronies in a quick squash.

Winners: Death Triangle

Inner Circle Press Conference

Some nerds from the wrestling media have been gathered to ask questions of Chris Jericho and MJF, who have a podium set up in the ring and a moderator who just stands there. In response to a nerd from Barstool sports, Jericho talks about his past tag team championship runs and how it's time for a new one with Jericho and MJF. Conrad Thompson is there and asks if Sammy Guevara can rejoin the Inner Circle, which gets him yelled at. Another dork from Barstool Sports asks about the attack on Pa Buck, which leads MJF to cut a heel promo about his wardrobe. Eric Bischoff is up next to ask another impertinent question that leads to the Young Bucks coming out. The Bucks cut a promo about loving their daddy. Then they say MJF and Jericho's daddies suck. Matt Jackson really gets going about everything his daddy taught him and how they owe everything to their daddy, including AEW.  He says if there was no AEW, MJF would be waiting for a call back from the Rosie O'Donnell show. He says Jericho would be "jerking the curtain tonight at the performance center." Daaaaaaaaammmmmmnnnn. A brawl breaks out. Brandon Cutler comes down to help. Jerry Lynn. Maybe some more people. It's hard to keep track. The Good Brothers show up with a table and hold Ortiz on the table while Nick Jackson climbs on top of the Dynamite entrance tunnel and leaps through Ortiz simultaneously as Matt Jackson jumps off the stage through another table on… I don't even know who! It's all happening so fast! Oh thank god…


FTR and Tully Blanchard vs. Jurassic Express

JJ Dillon comes to the ring with Tully Blanchard and FTR. Blanchard has the NWA United States Heavyweight Championship. Blanchard starts off the match with Marko Stunt, but only briefly. Jungle Boy and FTR do a lot of the work in this match. But Tully gets off some awesome moves, like a slingshot suplex on Marko Stunt. He also eats a roundhouse kick from Luchasaurus. Tully Blanchard is shockingly spry for his age. After some shenanigans where a masked man takes out Jungle Boy outside the ring and hits Luchasaurus, Blanchard gets the pin on Luchasaurus after jumping off the second rope to deliver the assisted spike piledriver.

Winners: FTR and Tully Blanchard

Blanchard and FTR celebrate with JJ Dillon.  The masked man comes in and it's Shawn Spears. They all put their hands together. "Well, there's four of 'em. In one form or another," says Jim Ross. Arn Anderson stands at the top of the ramp to watch it all happening. They're really doing everything they can to hammer this home without saying "four horsemen."

Tony Schiavone heads to the top of the stage with a mic. He talks about his new show, AEW Dark Elevation, and brings out Paul Wight. Wight has a new t-shirt: "No More BS." Get it? Schiavone welcomes Wight to AEW. Wight says he's happy to be in AEW. He talks about how it's a homecoming on TNT, since he started there in WCW. He also says he has a huge scoop. This Sunday at "Evolution" (oof… well, it could happen to anyone), AEW is going to hire a Hall of Fame worthy talent. But it's not who we think. Okay…

Nyla Rose vs. Ryo Mizunami

Now it's time for the finals of the AEW WOmen's World Championship Eliimnator Tournament. Ryo Mizunami is here from Japan, and it would suck to come all that way just to lose. So she doesn't. Mizunami gets the pin with a leg drop off the ropes and some of the previous booking decisions in this tournament.

Winner: Ryo Mizunami

Hikaru Shida presents the trophy for winning the tournament to Mizunami. But when they shake hands, Mizunami elbows her in the face, then invites Shida to elbow her back. Shida does. They exchange blows and Shida knocks her down. They grin at each other.

Tony Schiavone interviews Sting in the ring. Sting says Brian Cage powerbombing him is what he really needed to feel truly ready for the street fight. Ricky Starks interrupts. He gets in the ring with Sting. He gives Sting props for the fire he showed last week. He says he can admit Sting has still got it. But he says Sting is no icon and slaps him. Sting decks Starks, knocking him out of his shows. Then he rips his shirt while kicking his ass. Starks is gonna be naked if someone doesn't get out her soon. Sting puts him in the Scorpion Deathlock. Powerhouse Hobbes and Hook make the save. Then Cage and Taz come out. Before Cage can powerbomb Sting again, Darby Allin runs out and jumps on Allin's back. Sting and Allin team up on Cage.

10 vs. Max Castor

-1 comes to the ring with 10. Max Castor comes out and cuts a rap on Lady Gaga's dogwalker, 10, and finally -1. -1 tries to attack him, but 10 holds him back. Scorpio Sky is back and on commentary for this match. Castor wins this match after Jack Evans appears from under the ring and hits 10 with Castor's boom box.

Winner: Max Castor

Matt Hardy pays Jack Evans $4200 for the attack.

There will be a special AEW Dark on Saturday. Thunder Rosa and Riho vs. Britt Baker and Reba will be the match on the Buy-In pre-show for Revolution.

Miro cuts a promo on Chuck Taylor. Miro says he's going to stop laying games on Sunday and kill Taylor. He flexes impressively.

Matt Hardy and Marq Quen vs. John Silver and Hangman Page

Matt Hardy's quest to destroy the Dark Order collides with his feud with Hangman Page, which collides with Page's redemptive friendship story with the Dark Order. Isn't it nice to have so many storylines coming together? It's almost as if planning these stories out beyond the current week pays off in the long run. This is a good match that gives us a taste of Page getting his hands on Hardy but keeps Hardy's comeuppance tantalizingly out of reach. Quen is the sacrificial lamb, taking the beating whenever Hardy is in trouble. Hardy won't tag in unless he has an advantage, and then when he loses it, he tags out again. Silver and Quen do a lot of the heavy lifting in this match. Quen eats the pin after some teamwork by Silver and Page ending with a Buckshot Lariat. Hardy wants nothing to do with it.

Winners: Hangman Page and John Silver

Hardy attacks Page and Silver after the match. He beats Page in the head with a microphone. Dark Order runs out to make the sea. They swarm Hardy as -1 poses on the stage. All of the participants of the Casino Battle Royale run out and a massive brawl breaks out. Hardy escapes, stopping to gesticulate at -1.

Well, that was a hell of an episode of AEW Dynamite. It felt like an important show where things of substance happened, but this is just a preview of Revolution. The show was booked unconventionally, with the biggest match first, and the most momentous events happening earlier in the show. The end of the show was booked with matches and angles that were designed more for Dynamite's longterm viewers. It was probably a wise decision because the Shaq segment at the start of the show is gonna have the highest audience AEW wanted to show any potential new viewers the best of what Dynamite has to offer. And now, it's time for me to get back to the clickbait mines, as I have at least 13 clickbait Cody Rhodes articles to finish fighting. El Presidente should hopefully be back in this slot next week, but I'll see you on Friday for Smackdown results.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.