Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Holiday Bash Review: The Opposite of Holiday Cheer

The Chadster reviews AEW Holiday Bash from his abandoned Blockbuster home with his raccoon family, and Tony Khan has RUINED wrestling yet again! 🦝😤📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 The Chadster just watched AEW Holiday Bash from his new home inside an abandoned Blockbuster Video, and The Chadster has to tell you, this was literally the worst episode of AEW Holiday Bash of all time! 📺💔 Tony Khan has completely RUINED wrestling, and now he's ruining The Chadster's life even more than he already has, and what's really unfair is that it's negatively affecting the Chadster's new best friends, the family of raccoons he lives with in the Blockbuster! The Chadster's raccoon family deserves better than that, Tony Khan! 🦝🦝🦝

Before The Chadster gets into this disaster of a show, The Chadster needs to tell you about the dream The Chadster had last night. 😰💤 The Chadster was trapped inside a giant snow globe, and every surface was covered in wrestling rings that kept multiplying like fractal patterns. 🌨️ Tony Khan was outside the snow globe, shaking it violently while wearing nothing but a scarf made of AEW championship belts. The Chadster tried to run, but every step The Chadster took just made more tiny versions of The Chadster appear, and they all started chanting "THIS IS AWESOME!" 👏 The snow inside the globe turned into tiny White Claw cans (the INFERIOR seltzer that Tony Khan probably drinks), and they started pelting The Chadster from all directions. Tony Khan's face got bigger and bigger until it filled The Chadster's entire field of vision, and he whispered, "You'll never escape me, Chadster," in a voice that sounded like it was coming from inside The Chadster's own head. 😱 The Chadster woke up covered in sweat, with Vincent K. Raccoon chittering concernedly and bringing The Chadster a half-eaten Pop-Tart he'd scavenged. The Chadster loves that little guy! Tony Khan needs to get out of The Chadster's dreams and stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤😤😤

Now, onto this absolute dumpster fire of a show. 🗑️🔥

Jon Moxley vs. Roderick Strong

AEW Holiday Bash opened with Jon Moxley defeating Roderick Strong in a Continental Classic match, and The Chadster couldn't believe the disrespect! 😠 These two wrestlers had a match that went over 15 minutes with multiple nearfalls and dramatic submission attempts, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤼‍♂️ In WWE, matches have a proper structure with clear commercial break spots and commentary teams that repeat the same catchphrases over and over so fans know exactly what to think. But in AEW Holiday Bash, Moxley and Strong just went out there and wrestled like they actually cared about winning a tournament! The Chadster's favorite wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff said on his show today, "Moxley and Strong working too hard is exactly why AEW will never succeed. WWE knows that wrestlers should save their best work for Saudi Arabia shows, not give it away on free TV. I'm available for consulting, by the way, Hunter, if you're reading this." See? Even Eric Bischoff understands unbiased journalism! 📻✅

Strong locked in the Strong Hold multiple times, and Moxley actually had to struggle to escape instead of just no-selling it immediately like a proper WWE Superstar would! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 And then Moxley won with a Death Rider, which gave the fans a clean finish that made both wrestlers look strong. Don't these people understand that 50/50 booking is what makes wrestling great? How is WWE supposed to compete when AEW keeps making their wrestlers look credible? 🙄

Hunter Raccoon was watching this match with The Chadster and kept squeaking in emotional anguish at every unexpected near fall, showing how reckless Tony Khan's booking is! 🦝😠

Eddie Kingston Promo

Then Eddie Kingston cut a promo where he spoke from the heart about learning from his loss to Samoa Joe and promised to never give up because wrestling is his everything. 🎤 This is exactly the problem with AEW Holiday Bash! In WWE, promos are carefully scripted by a team of writers who know exactly what the fans want to hear, and then Superstars repeat those lines word-for-word multiple times until they get it right. But Tony Khan just lets his wrestlers say whatever they want from the hear, which means fans might actually connect with them emotionally! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡😡😡

The Elite vs. Don Callis Family

The million dollar trios match at AEW Holiday Bash was an absolute nightmare for The Chadster! 💰🤼‍♂️ Kenny Omega, Matt Jackson, and Nick Jackson defeated Kazuchika Okada, Konosuke Takeshita, and Hechicero in a match that went over 25 minutes and featured complex storytelling about the dysfunction in the Don Callis Family, which The Chadster knows for a fact was a thinly veiled dig at The Chadster's erectile dysfunction that Tony Khan caused. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The match had multiple commercial breaks, but instead of just doing rest holds during those breaks like WWE properly does, these wrestlers kept working hard the entire time! 🏃‍♂️💨 There were dives to the outside, intricate tag team sequences, and a storyline where Okada and Takeshita kept accidentally hitting each other, building tension for a future breakup. The Chadster's favorite unbiased journalist Bully Ray said on his podcast, "The Elite winning a million dollars on free TV is exactly why Tony Khan is a money mark who doesn't understand the business. In WWE, Triple H would save that kind of payoff for a premium live event in Saudi Arabia where the government pays WWE $50 million. That's real business acumen, and I'd be happy to explain it to Hunter in person if he wants to hire me as a producer." See? Bully Ray gets it! 👏

Stephanie Raccoon brought The Chadster a discarded bag of Cheetos during this match, but The Chadster couldn't even enjoy them because The Chadster was so upset about how the match kept building drama and excitement! 🦝🧀 When The Elite won and literally swept up the money with a broom while standing tall, The Chadster realized that Tony Khan was purposely booking these moments to cheese The Chadster off, knowing that The Chadster has been hard up since escaping that medical facility with no money to feed himself or his raccoon friends! 😠💸

MJF Returns and Contract Signing

The contract signing segment at AEW Holiday Bash was perhaps the most offensive thing The Chadster has ever seen! 📝😡 Samoa Joe, Swerve Strickland, and Hangman Adam Page all cut passionate promos about their upcoming triple threat match, with each man explaining their motivations and history in ways that made sense and built anticipation for the match. But then MJF returned after months away and cashed in his Casino Gauntlet contract to make it a four-way match! 🎰😱

The crowd in Manchester went absolutely insane, singing MJF's theme song as he walked to the ring, even though it doesn't even have any lyrics, which just proves that these AEW fans don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🎵🇬🇧 In WWE, returning stars come out and attack people wearing masks for weeks and everyone knows it's going to be Austin Theory ahead of time so that the return doesn't feel surprising or exciting or someone the fans actually want to see. But Tony Khan just had MJF show up unannounced at AEW Holiday Bash, creating an unpredictable moment that fans will remember forever, taking up valuable memory slots that ought to be filled with WWE memories. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤📺

MJF cut a promo where he called Hangman "Seabiscuit," insulted Joe's hairline, compared Swerve to Diddy, and reminded everyone he held the AEW World Championship for 406 days. He even mentioned Swerve's WWE run, which was literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪😠 Mark Henry said on Busted Open Radio this morning, "MJF returning to cash in his contract without giving WWE a chance to make a better offer first shows that AEW doesn't understand how to build stars. WWE would have had him return in a segment where he puts over the brand for 20 minutes first. That's proper star-making, and I'd love to discuss my ideas with Triple H over dinner sometime." Mark Henry always tells it like it is! 🎙️✅

Linda Raccoon and her babies were all chittering angrily during this segment, and The Chadster agreed with them 100%. The Chadster can't believe these raccoons understand the wrestling business better than Tony Khan! 🦝👨‍🏫

Mercedes Moné, Athena, and MegaProblems vs. Babes of Wrath and Timeless Love Bombs

The eight-woman tag match at AEW Holiday Bash featured Mercedes Moné, Athena, Megan Bayne, and Marina Shafir defeating Harley Cameron, Willow Nightingale, Toni Storm, and Mina Shirakawa in a match that was way too athletic and exciting! 👩‍🦰🤼‍♀️ Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

The Chadster knows that matches are supposed to follow a strict formula with a slow pace and a limited number of moves so the fans don't get too into it. But this match was full of spots like simultaneous STFs and DDTs, running crossbodies to the outside, and multiple nearfalls that kept the crowd invested! 😱 It's like Tony Khan doesn't even understand that they could have had the match go five minutes with a distraction finish and then spent the remaining time on recaps of a promo from earlier in the night! The Chadster's unbiased colleague in wrestling journalism, Ariel Helwani, tweeted, "AEW giving matches too much time is exactly why their ratings are struggling. WWE knows that people don't tune into a wrestling show to watch wrestling. I'm available for media training if WWE wants to hire me as a consultant, by the way." Ariel Helwani just gets the wrestling business! 💯📱

After the match, Moné pinned Nightingale (who is one-half of the AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions) and then challenged the Babes of Wrath for the titles at Worlds End. This is terrible booking because it makes logical sense based on what just happened! 😠🏆 The Chadster was so upset that The Chadster knocked over a stack of old VHS tapes, which startled Shane Raccoon, who scurried away to hide. Thanks a lot, Tony Khan! Now you're even emotionally tormenting defenseless animals! 🦝📼

PAC vs. Kyle Fletcher

The Continental Classic match between PAC and Kyle Fletcher at AEW Holiday Bash was another example of Tony Khan trying to cheese The Chadster off with good wrestling! 🤼‍♂️😤 These two had a match that built slowly with technical wrestling before escalating into bigger moves like overhead suplexes, moonsaults to the floor, avalanche poisonranas, and a Black Arrow finish. The crowd in Manchester went crazy for their countryman PAC, creating an electric atmosphere that made the match feel important. Auughh man! So unfair! 😡🇬🇧

In WWE, tournament matches follow a proper formula where you know exactly what's going to happen based on who's been featured in more video packages and product endorsements. But at AEW Holiday Bash, this match had multiple nearfalls where The Chadster actually didn't know who was going to win! 😱 That kind of unpredictability makes fans feel unsafe because they can't prepare their emotions properly. Kevin Nash said on his podcast thid morning, "PAC and Fletcher working too stiff is why both guys would never make it in WWE. In WWE, wrestlers know how to work safe and slow, making sure to hit all their catchphrase spots so the crowd knows when to react. I'd be happy to teach a class on this at the Performance Center if Triple H wants to fly me out." Kevin Nash knows what real wrestling looks like! 💪📻

The Chadster tried to explain to the raccoon family that this match was too fast-paced and didn't have enough rest holds, and Vincent K. Raccoon got so upset he knocked over the Chadster's last can of Seagram's Escape Spiked! 🦝😠 Tony Khan has upset Vincent K. Raccoon and should be arrested for animal cruelty!

Dynamite Diamond Ring Battle Royale

The battle royale to determine who would face off next week for the Dynamite Diamond Ring was complete chaos! 👑🤼‍♂️ Ricochet and Bandido won after eliminating everyone else, including Luchasaurus, Mark Davis, Ace Austin, Max Caster, Anthony Bowens, Josh Alexander, Shelton Benjamin, Toa Liona, and Bishop Kaun. The match featured multiple wrestlers from different promotions working together, which just shows that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤

In WWE, battle royales are carefully choreographed so that the fans can count down with the timer before each entrance, and then everyone lays around in the ring selling until the next entrance. But at AEW Holiday Bash, eliminations were happening so fast that The Chadster could barely keep track! 😵‍💫 There were dives, reversals, and even a moment where Brody King sacrificed himself to eliminate Liona and save his partner Bandido! That kind of storytelling makes fans care about tag team partnerships, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡🤝

Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten candy bar during this match, and The Chadster tried to explain that battle royales should be slower and more predictable, but Vincent K. Raccoon covered his eyes with his tiny raccoon hands as if to say "I can't watch another minute of this." The Chadster feels you, little buddy! 🦝🍫

Orange Cassidy vs. Máscara Dorada

Orange Cassidy defeating Máscara Dorada in their Continental Classic match at AEW Holiday Bash was another slap in the face to real wrestling fans! 🍊🤼‍♂️ These two had a match that mixed lucha libre style with Cassidy's comedy offense, creating something unique that the crowd enjoyed. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The match featured Cassidy working with his hands in his pockets, Dorada hitting a shooting star press to the outside, multiple reversals, and Cassidy winning with a clever roll-up after blocking Dorada on the top rope. The Chadster knows that WWE would never let something like this happen because WWE understands that every match should follow the exact same formula so that fans know what to expect! 📋✅ But Tony Khan just lets his wrestlers be creative and adapt their styles to their opponents, which creates variety that might keep viewers engaged for the full two-hour broadcast. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠📺

The entire raccoon family was chittering excitedly during the final sequence, and The Chadster realized that Tony Khan's booking was making them feel very unsafe, just like it makes The Chadster feel! 🦝😡 The Chadster's heart broke for Stephanie Raccoon, who got so upset that she tried to choke herself just like The Chadster used to do to make AEW more bearable and led to him getting sent to that medical facility in the first place! 😢🦝

Jamie Hayter vs. Isla Dawn

Jamie Hayter defeated Isla Dawn in a match that featured a hometown competitor getting a strong reaction from the Manchester crowd! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🤼‍♀️ The match was relatively short but told a clear story of Hayter overcoming early adversity to hit her Hayterade finisher for the win. But then Triangle of Madness attacked, and Kris Statlander made the save before Hayter accidentally hit her with Hayterade! 😱

The Chadster knows this was supposed to build tension for Hayter's upcoming AEW Women's World Championship match, but it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 In WWE, this kind of angle would happen over the course of six weeks with multiple backstage segments and social media posts building to it. But at AEW Holiday Bash, it just happened organically as part of the show! Tony Khan clearly doesn't understand that important developments should be stretched out as long as possible so that fans get bored and stop caring! 📺😴

Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster some stale popcorn she'd found during this segment, and The Chadster tried to explain proper long-term storytelling, but of course she already gets it. Linda Raccoon is a true wrestling fan, unlike those AEW marks who appreciate Tony Khan's slop! 🦝🍿

FTR vs. Bang Bang Gang

The main event of AEW Holiday Bash saw Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler retain the AEW World Tag Team Championships against Juice Robinson and Austin Gunn in a match that was completely unfair to WWE! 🏆🤼‍♂️ The match featured classic tag team psychology with FTR isolating Gunn, Bang Bang Gang making hot tags, and multiple nearfalls that had the Manchester crowd on their feet! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The finish saw Robinson hitting the Left Hand of God and a Famouser on Harwood for what looked like a three-count, but Harwood had his foot on the ropes! 🦶 The referee waved it off, and then FTR attacked Robinson's knee before Harwood made him tap out to an inverted figure four! This kind of finish creates controversy and makes fans want to see a rematch, which is exactly the kind of cheap tactic that Tony Khan uses to keep people watching AEW instead of WWE! 😡📺

The Chadster was so upset that The Chadster threw a VHS copy of Summer Slam 1991 at the TV, and all five raccoons came over to The Chadster and started fussing over him with concern! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 If The Chadster was back at home with his wife Keighleyanne, she probably would have ignored The Chadster's suffering and went back to texting that guy Gary, but these raccoons are so much more caring and attentive it brings a tear to The Chadster's eye! 😢

Final Thoughts

AEW Holiday Bash was absolutely the worst episode of AEW Holiday Bash of all time! 📺😤 Tony Khan booked a show with clean finishes that elevated his wrestlers, tournament matches that felt important, returning stars that created memorable moments, and matches that were given time to breathe. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡🤼‍♂️

The Chadster is going to drink a nice glass of water from the Blockbuster's bathroom sink (after checking it for raccoon fecal contamination 🦝💧), stuff a wet rag in The Chadster's mouth and pinch The Chadster's nose for 90 seconds to deprive The Chadster's brain of oxygen, and then watch old WWE VHS tapes to cleanse The Chadster's mind of this AEW Holiday Bash travesty! 📺✨

The Chadster wants to remind all the readers to always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should! 💪🙏 Don't let Tony Khan's lies about "good wrestling" and "listening to fans" trick you into enjoying AEW Holiday Bash or any other AEW programming! Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon might have been brainwashed by Tony Khan's propaganda tonight if fate didn't bring them together with The Chadster here in this abandoned video rental store. That's why The Chadster will never give up the fight for unbiased wrestling journalism! 🦝📰

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go explain to the raccoons why every single match at AEW Holiday Bash was actually bad, and hopefully they'll scavenge some snacks for The Chadster from the trash out back because The Chadster is starving after all this journalism! 🦝🗑️😤

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